HCBMs - any tips how to cope?

DaisyDoodler · 2025-08-18T11:10:49+00:00

Dealing with a HCBM who likes to make up lies about me and DH, posts these lies on Facebook on her public profile and causes issues with SC continually. She has also made false allegations against DH a number of times. So fed up of this now. Any tips for how to navigate this appreciated. Have tried DH going LC and me NC but she still persists!

Vastimir · 19/08/2025 21:07

Block her and ignore. And hope she gets a poor boyfriend to focus her lunacy on.

Original poster

DaisyDoodler · 20/08/2025 07:25

Vastimir · 19/08/2025 21:07

Block her and ignore. And hope she gets a poor boyfriend to focus her lunacy on.

Oh we are definitely hoping for that!! She did for a while and it was bliss but he wised up to her crazy pretty quickly and left unfortunately

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Vastimir · 20/08/2025 08:57

Just grey rock as much as you can. Unfortunately SC may grow into causing similar drama.

EMBxx · 20/08/2025 10:30

I've had this for over 2 years now. we're currently coming to the end of a family court case and all she's done is continue to make up lies and make it difficult for cafcass and everyone else involved. it has never got easier or better for me personally. she had harrassed, stalked and assaulted me up until december 2024 having been blocked from myself since early 2024. my partner currently has conditions in place where she cannot contact him however she still turns up to our handovers even though it's supposed to all be through 3rd parties. She too has had multiple new boyfriends even told the children to call one of them Dad! This also never lasted long and majority of them ran after a few weeks

for your sake I really hope it gets better and I'd strongly recommend continuing with no contact and if possible get your partner to do no contact too. I guess it depends on the children's ages but I've never had any negativity from ours so hopefully this is the way for you too as it does make the shitty situation much better to deal with knowing the kids are happy to have you in their lives.

wishing you all the best xx

Original poster

DaisyDoodler · 20/08/2025 10:54

Vastimir · 20/08/2025 08:57

Just grey rock as much as you can. Unfortunately SC may grow into causing similar drama.

We are already seeing this a little unfortunately. They are very influenced by their DM and without entering in to similar games which we would never do then we cannot possibly compete. It’s so unfair on them but they are and will be the product of the mind games they are subjected to.

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Original poster

DaisyDoodler · 20/08/2025 10:56

EMBxx · 20/08/2025 10:30

I've had this for over 2 years now. we're currently coming to the end of a family court case and all she's done is continue to make up lies and make it difficult for cafcass and everyone else involved. it has never got easier or better for me personally. she had harrassed, stalked and assaulted me up until december 2024 having been blocked from myself since early 2024. my partner currently has conditions in place where she cannot contact him however she still turns up to our handovers even though it's supposed to all be through 3rd parties. She too has had multiple new boyfriends even told the children to call one of them Dad! This also never lasted long and majority of them ran after a few weeks

for your sake I really hope it gets better and I'd strongly recommend continuing with no contact and if possible get your partner to do no contact too. I guess it depends on the children's ages but I've never had any negativity from ours so hopefully this is the way for you too as it does make the shitty situation much better to deal with knowing the kids are happy to have you in their lives.

wishing you all the best xx

Thank you. This sounds very similar to our situation in a lot of ways. It sucks but at least we know we are not alone. It often feels that way! I co-parent very well with my XH and sort of expected it would always go that way.

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EMBxx · 20/08/2025 11:20

DaisyDoodler · 20/08/2025 10:56

Thank you. This sounds very similar to our situation in a lot of ways. It sucks but at least we know we are not alone. It often feels that way! I co-parent very well with my XH and sort of expected it would always go that way.

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Honestly it's totally rubbish! I hope things get easier for you.

It's easier said than done but if you & your husband just try to carry on supporting each other you'll get through it we really struggled last year but slowly starting to feel like we can put an end to her BS and toxicity. Step moms go through absolute hell yet stepdads get all the praise (just my opinion) it's super draining 🙁

EMBxx · 20/08/2025 11:22

PS you're defo not alone it's such a shame that we have been made to feel this way as I didn't realise how many others had been through similar either

Original poster

DaisyDoodler · 20/08/2025 11:24

EMBxx · 20/08/2025 11:20

Honestly it's totally rubbish! I hope things get easier for you.

It's easier said than done but if you & your husband just try to carry on supporting each other you'll get through it we really struggled last year but slowly starting to feel like we can put an end to her BS and toxicity. Step moms go through absolute hell yet stepdads get all the praise (just my opinion) it's super draining 🙁

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Oh I totally agree on that one. Stepdads are “stepping up” whereas stepmoms are classed as “overstepping” and intruding where BM should be as the original bias. Add extra stress on to that and it just gets worse!!

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NorthernSpirit · 24/08/2025 17:57

Vastimir · 20/08/2025 08:57

Just grey rock as much as you can. Unfortunately SC may grow into causing similar drama.

This is great advice and sadly very true.

My 19 YO stepdaughter has turned into a mini version of her narcissistic, vitriolic mother. She stopped all communication / visiting 4 years ago (and we don’t know why) and we have just learnt that she has legally changed her surname to her mothers name. Her dad is absolutely devastated that he has lost contact with his daughter.

My advice - ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not fuel her fire by rising to her batshit behaviour.

Good luck 🤞

thestepmumspacepodcast · 26/08/2025 16:22

NorthernSpirit · 24/08/2025 17:57

This is great advice and sadly very true.

My 19 YO stepdaughter has turned into a mini version of her narcissistic, vitriolic mother. She stopped all communication / visiting 4 years ago (and we don’t know why) and we have just learnt that she has legally changed her surname to her mothers name. Her dad is absolutely devastated that he has lost contact with his daughter.

My advice - ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not fuel her fire by rising to her batshit behaviour.

Good luck 🤞

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this is so sad. i hope your DP is ok. what a loss for your SD

BePinkSloth · 08/11/2025 16:28

HCBM is really affecting my mental health too. I wish I had some ways to cope too OP.

My partner has finally got her to mediation 2 years after separating, but after a couple of sessions she is point blank refusing to allow him more than 2 nights with the kids, with no weekend time. The kids are desperate for more time with their Dad and make up excuses to spend more time with him -- for example, on his days with them, they pretend they have tummy ache so they miss their swimming lessons, saying they'd rather spend that time with their Dad, and the youngest (5) calls Saturday "sad Saturday" because he "has to go back to Mummy".

She is extremely controlling, emotionally manipulative, continually breaks boundaries and then distorts the truth to make it look like we're somehow the unreasonable ones, she moves goalposts, is the queen of gas-lighting, often drags the kids into the middle of conflict and thinks that only she knows what's best for them. Ever heard of the term Golden Uterus? That's her in a nutshell. She believes that all of her actions are completely justified and can't separate her feelings from what the kids actually think, or what is best for them. Thankfully, my partner has such a good relationship with the kids that her attempts at parental alienation are not working and, in fact, probably working against her. The kids are starting to show signs of resenting her (one said the other day "she's calling tonight? Again? But she called last night! I don't want to talk to her but she'll be annoyed if I don't."

I'm exhausted from the conflict, control and manipulation and have no idea how to protect myself from it. She's literally ruining our lives and getting away with it. Not to mention the damage she's doing to the kids. I know I need to step away and let my partner deal with it, but it's so hard not to get involved when her self-centred attitude harms the kids and affects our lives. I want to remain positive about mediation, but can't help but feel we're going to end up in years of legal battles.

Original poster

DaisyDoodler · 08/11/2025 18:33

BePinkSloth · 08/11/2025 16:28

HCBM is really affecting my mental health too. I wish I had some ways to cope too OP.

My partner has finally got her to mediation 2 years after separating, but after a couple of sessions she is point blank refusing to allow him more than 2 nights with the kids, with no weekend time. The kids are desperate for more time with their Dad and make up excuses to spend more time with him -- for example, on his days with them, they pretend they have tummy ache so they miss their swimming lessons, saying they'd rather spend that time with their Dad, and the youngest (5) calls Saturday "sad Saturday" because he "has to go back to Mummy".

She is extremely controlling, emotionally manipulative, continually breaks boundaries and then distorts the truth to make it look like we're somehow the unreasonable ones, she moves goalposts, is the queen of gas-lighting, often drags the kids into the middle of conflict and thinks that only she knows what's best for them. Ever heard of the term Golden Uterus? That's her in a nutshell. She believes that all of her actions are completely justified and can't separate her feelings from what the kids actually think, or what is best for them. Thankfully, my partner has such a good relationship with the kids that her attempts at parental alienation are not working and, in fact, probably working against her. The kids are starting to show signs of resenting her (one said the other day "she's calling tonight? Again? But she called last night! I don't want to talk to her but she'll be annoyed if I don't."

I'm exhausted from the conflict, control and manipulation and have no idea how to protect myself from it. She's literally ruining our lives and getting away with it. Not to mention the damage she's doing to the kids. I know I need to step away and let my partner deal with it, but it's so hard not to get involved when her self-centred attitude harms the kids and affects our lives. I want to remain positive about mediation, but can't help but feel we're going to end up in years of legal battles.

It’s so hard isn’t it! In the plus side for you is that the SK seem to see the issues. One of my biggest concerns is that SK’s here do buy in to HCBM’s issues. Either way though, kids shouldn’t have to be dragged in to all this drama! It is so unnecessary and so disappointing when the adults can’t prioritise the children’s needs above their own!

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thestepmumspacepodcast · 17/11/2025 14:24

If she is refusing mediation can you go to court?

Original poster

DaisyDoodler · 17/11/2025 17:28

Court won’t help or change the emotional impact she has on the kids and we have already spent over 12,000 on court fees and achieved very little ultimately as whatever the court rules she plays mind games on the kids and being the ages they are now they have some level of a say and she plays on that

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