Need some outside advice, please if you have 2 mins.

[StingrayPlatypus]

Im so emotionally drained I will just try to give you facts with a little bit of explanation.
January 2025 - initial post on here about concerns with SA due to stepdaughters (SD) persistent stomach ache.
April 2025 - SDs half brother gets abusive texts from mothers boyfriend. Emerges that DV has been ongoing for months between mother and mothers boyfriend (as in both abusing each other). Late night arguments until 5am on school nights, 11 YO SD stood between them breaking it up. Police check half brothers phone, 300 calls in last 2 weeks. No calls to SD. SD and her brother have messages to mother asking her to leave the boyfriend or stop him coming round to their house. Mother told them she is the adult and they are children so she will make the decisions.
April 25 - court approve an emergency prohibitive steps order to remove SD from mothers care and have her live with dad & myself (fiancee at the time). Supervised visits only with mother. Mother tracked daughter on find my iPhone and removed her from my care under duress.
Fast forward to August. Lots has happened (mostly negative behaviour from the mother, except she filed a non molestation order against ex) including building up to an offer of 50/50 shared care from us to the mother (she rejected), then an offer whereby due to her having weds off from work, she could have care of child Tues night through to Thurs morning (she rejected) to every other weekend from sat after work until Monday after school/before work in the holidays (she rejected).
Darling SD has come back tonight full of fury that we 'won't let her see her mum' and mum has said we are being unreasonable. Mum has said we won't agree to 50/50 and are keeping SD from her.
Please can someone help me because the negative side of me is saying to just let her go back to mum. The mind games are unreal; we've encouraged her to see her mum even when things have been ugly. We've let so much stuff slide. I cant even deal with it because I know I am sending my SD to a life of abusive men and poor morals. But I cant ruin her by telling her the truth about her mum and why social services, cafcass and the family court say it is not safe for her to return home. I do not want to ruin her image of her mother. I am just so tired of it, myself and my (now) husband (her dad) are the villains in the story but I can't fathom a way forward without
A) handing her back over to a horrendous lifestyle,
B) upsetting her by exposing her mothers abusive nature towards her brother and neglect of both of them
C) having her resent us for keeping it 60/40 until/if the courts agree for 50/50.

I just need someone uninvolved to give me some clarity as the battle is unrelenting. I am so worried she will end up hating me and her dad and will go back there anyway. Just a quick add in - this was the 7th man to be introduced to SD in 24 months. Only DV relationship, but many poor/unsavoury partners before where mother had encouraged SD to lie to us about where she has been/stayed the night.

I am a step mother, not a maternal mother. This is eating me up inside. I dont want to break their bond or badmouth the mother but I just cant cope with the manipulative behaviour. I feel like I am the bad person by trying to keep SD safe.

I’m not surprised you’re emotionally drained.

Sounds like everything is drifting and no-one’s in charge of the safeguarding around this.

I’d be going apeshit with children’s social care till DSD was given your local equivalent of an allocated social worker (qualified, preferably), and an urgent case conference organised, to give you clear advice.

(This might include social worker, police liaison from domestic abuse team, CAFCASS, school (new school coming up??), and any other agency that has knowledge.)

The parents would normally be invited to one part of this meeting and afterwards be sent notes. This means your husband can update the agencies on everything that’s been happening and you may be able to contribute at least via letter.

Your husband should be pushing for clear advice and help in writing asap.

And OP, you need a temporary break from this to recharge. You need to hand over the baton for a while.

Oh my goodness that sounds really tough and draining. And so upsetting that SD is now being brainwashed by mum

Can you maybe look into family counselling so she can start to unpick the issues at and with mum with a professional who will guide her ….

I read your post trying to imagine what it would be like if my partner's ex was behaving the same way.

In our relationship, he would be taking on the psychological and practical strain of dealing with all this, and I would be supporting him emotionally and by keeping other parts of life ticking along so he could focus on it.

My first reaction to your situation is that you seem incredibly involved personally, which makes me wonder if your husband is doing his part here, or has it all fallen to you?

SD is 11? OK. I think someone has to tell her why you have been so reluctant to let her go back to her mum's, and also about the offers of time you've made that have been turned down. I think that should be her dad, possibly with social worker back up. But if he refuses, I think I would want to tell her and say you will continue to be there for her.

He is doing his part, he is leading all of the court proceedings and doing the interviews/documents required from the safeguarding services.

However, you're probably right on an emotional level - we have completely different approaches. He has had 12 years of her using SD as a weapon, stopping access, blowing up at him when things go wrong in her personal life. He definitely retreats and goes into practical mode, following advice etc to a T. I probably need to be a little more objective, but I can see and feel the emotion between the lines. Court have referred the case back to social services for a full section 7 report so we are currently in limbo. The mother is now channelling through Annie that we won't let her see her more. My partners response is court have said it remains as is until the next court date in Nov, very black and white. But I am concerned about the damage in the meantime. It is no coincidence this manipulative behaviour has started again just before social services conduct their interviews. SD will more than likely describe us as the problem and mother as a victim, even though we have texts from SD when she was at her mums saying 'she is screaming at me, she actually needs help'.

My husband previously paid maintenance as SD resided primarily at her mums before police and NSPCC involvement. We have stated to the mother that we do not want her to pay us maintenance, but we would appreciate it if she would pay half of her club membership fees each month (so £45). Mother has said she cant afford it. I am bridging the gaps financially to try and keep some stability with extra curricular activities etc. Meanwhile, after rejecting every other weekend, mother is out drinking every weekend. I dont want to be the person who points this out to SD and worsens our relationship, but I am at my wits end with the manipulation

Hard as it is, I think your husband should in very basic terms explain to his daughter why she can't see her mother. Yes she is a child but she does deserve an explanation.

I’m so sorry OP. Just to say you’ve used a name above, you may want to edit your post.

Your DH needs to explain the whole story to his DD. It may seem like a lot for an 11 year old but she is already dealing with a lot of adult stuff. You are obviously already aware that the mother is giving her her full version of events so you should probably counteract that with yours so that at least she has something to reflect on in years to come. Be prepared that she may still feel the same way but at least you are giving her the opportunity to make decisions about how she feels with all the information.

Your husband (not you) needs to be honest with his daughter in an age appropriate way. He can’t not tell her what’s going on.
Explain that her mum cannot provide her with safe care and give her what she needs so dad and the courts decided she needs to live with him for the time being but still see her mum.

Explain that he realizes how important her relationship with her mum is and he’s not trying to damage that, but needs to know she is emotionally and physically safe and looked after.

Don’t make promises about timescales.
Don’t criticize the mum too much just use neutral language and answer any questions she has honestly.

She may still say she hates you both but that doesn’t mean it changes anything. You can’t send her back to a neglectful parent because she kicks off.

The child doesn’t need a social worker or be on a child protection plan if she has a father who is able to provide safe and appropriate care and manage the issues with her mum.
She doesn’t need a social worker because she’s angry with her dad. She just needs honest and appropriate communication about it.

Dad could still have a meeting with school and any other agencies involved.

If he wasn’t protecting her, was sending her back to a home where she’s at risk and not managing this then that’s different. He is the parent, he has PR, this is up to him. If he can’t manage the way the mum behaves then yes, a referral to social care might be appropriate.

The NSPCC and other organizations might be able to support dad with this and advise how to talk to her.