Why do I feel like I’m parenting my step daughters mother?!

[LivingOnMyNerves]

I have a 6 year old step daughter, whose life I have been in since she was a baby. She’s lovely and can be extremely kind and caring but as she gets older she is becoming more and more like her mother. My husband split with her mother because she was extremely confrontational, aggressive and rude. Friends had warned her he would leave if she continued to treat him as she did and lo and behold he did! She is also a borderline functional alcoholic.

Anyway, as my SD gets older, she’s telling us more about what is going on (it’s not great - latest example is leaving my SD alone by the pool on holiday so she could go and get more beer from the apartment) and taking on more of her mother’s traits. We have a 3y/o and a baby and I don’t want them becoming like this woman I cannot stand!

Her table manners are appalling- she chews so loudly with her mouth open and her mum has taught her it is acceptable to lick your plate at the end of a meal. She is so loud and yells all the time - my children aren’t particularly loud (neither are my husband and I). I realise it might be my issues with loud and constant noise, but it’s really grating on me. This morning, when she was playing with my daughter, my SD was saying “get into bed, get into bed, GET INTO BED!! I mean it. Get in bed and promise you’ll be a good girl tomorrow” as part of their game. It is just not the way I parent at all, it seems to be constant threats and bribes. I know it’s not my SD fault, she’s just repeating what she’s heard but I don’t want my children being exposed to this. I don’t have any friends really with step children so it’s hard to find anyone who understands. If this is understandable, I think I’ve just been ranting 😂 does anyone else feel like they’re having to undo shitty lazy parenting from the other side all the time?!

(I know I’m not perfect by any means but I do not threaten my children ever!)

I wouldn’t be with a man who thinks it’s acceptable to leave his child with an alcoholic, what are you thinking, you are allowing her to be abused!

Her mother doesn’t sound suitable, why hasn’t your husband applied for full residency?

Your husband really needs to go for more time with her at the very least. I couldn't leave a child with an alcoholic.

Definitely more worrying that the mum leaves her by a pool to get beer.

Unfortunately you nor your husband can take the moral high ground if you're not prepared to take the child full time. She will develop her mothers traits, they're learnt behaviours and whilst they're not awful, they're not the standards you wish them to be. This is commonplace in blended families. She will in time learn what's acceptable in your home, however...
The drinking and poolside behaviour...I am assuming there is more if this that you are aware of? This is completely different to a few bad manners, different parenting styles.This is neglectful. And until you intervene, you're no better than her. Poor child.

You can definitely ban her from the table until she learns to eat with her mouth closed. Tell her. You're the adult. Her dad also needs to enforce this.

Same goes for licking her plate. Stop her. Just tell her that nobody does that in your house, and you don't allow it. Your husband also needs to say this to her.

With regard to the rest of your post - it sounds like your husband needs to go to court to get full residency. The child's mother sounds unsuitable.

We didn’t realise how bad it was until recently, as my SD is getting older and telling us more and more. We’ve been discussing about increasing/trying to get full custody. It was difficult enough to get 50/50 custody and from reading and hearsay it sounds like the courts always side with the mother. It’s hard to prove any of it as we’re obviously not there to witness it firsthand. Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing they can share?

She’s 6yo, she’s not turning into her mother, you might say that about an 18yo. I think it’s hard when your own kids are younger, but if they were 6yo they would also be role playing your worst days and you’d know that didn’t reflect the person they are going to become. Keep loving her and don’t treat her like some outsider who is a bad influence on your kids. Part of managing multiple siblings is the appropriate behaviour, language and play between them. When you say “you don’t want to your children exposed to this”, this is their sister and when you became a blended family this is part of it. In the situation you describe, I would have intervened and said oh what’s a nicer way to say this, or role played some thing for my younger child to say like “hey that’s not nice! I will come back when the game is nice”. You’ll need to parent this way to help them learn these skills for playground and friends anyway, just comes sooner as they have an older sibling.

90% of the posters here have no idea what being a stepparent is like OP, nor how bad a parent has to be to be awarded less than 50% at court.

Children will always be like the people they spend most of their time with. I’d play the long game and try to get more time with her by stealth. Book clubs on Mum’s time, offer to have her all the weekends, etc. It’s not your SD’s fault.

Don’t let her get away with bad manners and encourage nicer play.

i get you - when my SD shouts “DON’T you DARE” at her brother in a weird, haughty, breathy tone I know it’s come from her mother… And it goes right through me. Hate it!