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Step-parenting

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Not sure where to go from here

10 replies

kel0812 · 09/08/2025 21:41

Hi everyone, so a bit of a rant! I have been with my partner for 8 years, he has children from a previous relationship that he has full time. They are suspected to be on the spectrum and whilst reasonably independent with some things they can be challenging. My issue is that he is doing absolutely nothing to help them along, just leaves them in their rooms on their devices, which in my opinion is making things much worse for them. His son often spends 16 hours a day watching YouTube and playing games on his phone. They need to be told to carry out basic self care, like brushing their teeth or washing, and DP doesn’t notice or take responsibility for this, most of the time so it is left for me to sort out. When we do go out they just don’t know how to behave, and any correction from me is met by excuses from their dad. We recently went to a restaurant with family and his son was trying to eat rice with a knife, I gently told him to use a fork (he ignored me as usual) and his dad just deflected saying he ‘likes to eat like that’ (whatever that means!) instead of telling him to use a fork (which he knows how to use). They are all teenagers and I am at the end of my tether with it all, i don’t see things getting any better ,not because they don’t have the capacity to, but because their father is always defending their poor behaviours and deflecting any suggestions from others. We recently had a massive argument because I told him that we need to do better in supporting them with their social skills and behaviour, spend quality time and reduce the screens, because as they are now getting older the way that they behave is causing issues for them when interacting with others (they recently had a family member kick off at them for being rude/ not listening). A lot of their family don’t seem to want to spend time with them because of the way that they act and it will be a real problem in the future, but my partner doesn’t seem to see that. I am considering leaving but don’t want to make things worse for them, but equally I can’t continue like this- I am really torn!

OP posts:
RentalWoesNotFun · 09/08/2025 21:43

Your partners a fool. Hes disadvantaging his own kids.

ARichtGoodDram · 09/08/2025 22:04

I wouldn't stay married to a man who feels like neglecting his children is ok behaviour.

GreatTheCat · 09/08/2025 22:09

I know it can be hard. Your left feeling torn.
Leave this man, he sounds awful and it's not your job to raise the kids.

Nessiesfoodprovider · 10/08/2025 14:59

You are trying to parent the teenagers and your partner. He's not much of a role model for them, and below the surface, his family members probably aren't that bothered about seeing him.
You need to step back from trying to help. It's not welcomed by any of them, and it must be horrible for you (I'd feel like a complete nag if I was in your shoes). Let your partner and his teens keep on carrying on, and even though you've been together for 8 years, I'd be asking if this is how I saw my adult life going.

FinallyHere · 10/08/2025 16:46

Yeah, step back. This is really not something you can fix and you can easily tear yourself apart by trying to.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/08/2025 16:56

Been there. Gave up. Am still married and his DC never lived with us (I would have had to leave) but I realised that it was only me trying to bring them up with life skills. Both of their parents just wanted them to do what they wanted. So I realised, not my responsibility, and it was like a light switch

They’re still the same and struggle with school/work/college etc. It’s a shame for them, but not my circus etc.

kel0812 · 10/08/2025 17:19

Thanks everyone for your replies so far, It’s hard to know what to do because I know that leaving will mean the end of the relationship for good and I do love my DP very much and in many ways he is a great person, I also know that the situation with the children could be worse and at times wonder if I am making mountains out of mole hills, but it is the constant trickle of being ignored and undermined that is doing my head in!

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2025 22:32

This is too unattractive for me I couldn't be with him. Why does he have his kids full time their birth mother must be dead or absolutely awful for a court to have given an awful father like this a lives with order

EvenMoreCrisps · 10/08/2025 22:37

The man is a deadbeat, there's no excusing him.
You could be enjoying a peaceful, free life.
Are you dependent on him for housing?
A boyfriend is for enhancing your life. This man won't even do the bare minimum for kids he chose to create, is he really any better as a boyfriend?

Rosegoldy · 10/08/2025 23:15

Poor children are utterly failed by their lazy father.
You have wasted 8 years on him.
This will be your future.
They will never be independent.
He has ruined their chance by being lazy.
Parents that genuinely care about their children, want them to be as self sufficient as possible.

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