Invite to step sons birthday from evil ex partner

[MILsBeware1]

Help!

My partner's ex wife has invited him, me, our child and the whole of his family to their son's 21st birthday party!

I don't want to go, and hear me out I have good reasons.

1. She lied about him and called the police on him.
2. she lied to child maintenance and has been taking all of his money even though we care for the children most of the time (we can't afford to go to court for the long-haul whilst she is already loaded and lives in his house).
3. I have looked after her children for more time than her (since I got with their dad) and she has done nothing but make up lies about me and criticize me.
4. I have never been horrible to her.
5. She has told many lies about my partner.
6. She ended things with my partner long before we met and told me (when I spoke to her after meeting my partner), that she never wanted to reconcile with him (before becoming very horrible to me and difficult too).
7. There are so many more points I could write here but am too tired but trust me she is AWFUL.

I don't want to go. I love her children but I cannot stand her and she has never once apologised to me for being so mean and doing so many horrible things to me.

I am not saying I will not go, I am undecided. What would you do?

How long has it been since the bad behaviour towards you and your ex, do you think the the invite is an olive branch?
If you don’t want to go then don’t go, your husband still should if he wants to and so should any grandparents ect invited on his side, it’s his son’s 21st.
If you decide not to go then you and your husband should plan a separate time to celebrate with a meal or something.
It’s always better to let old arguments go in this set up if you can, I’m lucky that my husband’s ex wife is lovely and we get on though.

Thank you for your advice, much appreciated. I totally agree it is up to each person to decide about going or not x I wish she was as lovely as your partner's ex - I envy you that she isn't.
Her bad behaviour is still going on, that's why I find this situation so difficult. If she had stopped lying and threatening my partner with different things, I could easily let it go and go to the party but she is still being awful so this is why I feel as though I want to stay as far away as possible from her.

If you dont want to go, dont.
why have you had their children more than their mother? Are they at your house more overnights than their mother? Why is your partner paying cm at all?

She didn't want them there at weekends so we have Thursday to Sunday and in the week they stay at a care place one night and are at school in the day and at playcentres after school, they have special needs and she can't cope so well. Also we want them x but the lies and all the money we've been paying out is getting too much. We can't afford to go to court, we've already seen a solicitor, we'd be looking at £20,000. We wrote to child maintainance and told them everything but they won't listen without a court order to prove it.

Similar situation here OP. My DPs son turned 18 recently. I was invited to the huge party his mum yhrew for him, but didn't go. A bit of drama with the ex, but not as much as you've been through. I love his son, but I simply could not be arsed to spend the evening in the same room as her and her family who have been awful to my DP throughout the years. I've got better ways to spend my time. Myself, DP and his son celebrated a week or so later with DPs family

This is such a hard part of blended families isn't it? I don't want to say something heartless as it sounds that their special educational needs are quite high need, so realistically is future weddings where you'd have to be in the same room be on the cards? What would your step child like?
You don't want it to be a one upmanship and I certainly don't want to say he the bigger person. You've already been that for long enough. Will your DH need support at event? Only do what you want and put your needs first - these are adults we are speaking of and you need to do you.

That is really helpful to hear x thank you x

I keep re reading this, are you asking if people with special educational needs get married when they grow up?

I suppose it comes down to whether you mind being the outsider when your DH goes to these events in the future. Do you have DC with your DH? The party isn't about the ex, it is the SC's birthday. I think you need to grin and bare it, the more you do it the easier it will become for future life events.

I would go. This is for your step child not for her or you .
Be perfectly pleasant to her this is his day

What does your SS want? If he wants you there I’d go for his sake.

So 3 nights with you, 3 nights with their mother, 1 night respite?

the issue then is child benefit and who i the primary parent. Where are they registered as living for the dentist, school, doctors and why?

You can take it to cms again, with evidence that it isnequal and challenge majn xarer status of the mother. But if all medical appointments are dealt with by the mother and her address is down that wont be possible.

The best bet is to split the child benefit.

No of course not - that is a silly thing to say! SEND is a massive spectrum from low need/external input to lead a "normal" life to very high. Clearly in OPs example the DC needs are very high to have respite on a weekly basis for a day so I was asking OP to consider whether there would be other would be other high profile events to consider in future and how to navigate them.

Hi, it doesn't cost 20k to raise a variation with CMS, you don't need a solicitor, you need proof, that's all. If they ignore you, escalate it to the tribunal.
I would go for my ss sake not hers.