Step-daughter is being poisoned against us

[BuffySummersUK]

My step daughter (nearly 13) has been going through some problems with her mental health this year, problems with kids in secondary school, self-esteem, depression, anxiety and self-harm.

We have done all we can to help, support and get her the support and help she needs. I've been on constant contact with the school, getting them to adapt her lessons, seating, time out pass, taking her to the doctor's, organising counselling (for which there's a 3 month waitlist for 2 counselling organisation), getting her outside doing things she enjoys to get her out of her dark room on her phone. Making sure she eats properly, regularly, gets decent sleep etc.

Myself and my partner have been struggling since last year when we suffered a miscarriage but have been much better in the last few months. There have been times when our daughter has heard us arguing but for the most part we haven't done so in front of them or in earshot.
She previously got upset upon hearing us argue and asked her Dad if I could go. (We've been together for 4 years, living together for 3 and engaged for 2).

Recently, we had a disagreement quietly in the privacy of our own bedroom but apparently she heard us, she then proceeded to say she wanted to go to her mother's for a few days (they live with myself and their Dad full time but stay at their mother's most weekends) and since she has been there she barely messages us, short off replies when we message her, didn't want to join the rest of the family for swimming which is a weekly family activity and she loves.

It's extremely upsetting and hurtful to us both, especially her Dad who does on her and she adores him, they've always been best friends and she has always been his shadow.

The children's mother has always been a manipulative person, she cheated on my partner several times, took his money, lazy, never working never contributing to the household in any way and never been bothered about or wanted the kids, especially before I was around. Now obviously she plays the role of fun weekend parent, allowing the kids to do what they want when they want, eat what they want, stay up til whatever time, no teeth brushing etc.
This has obviously been put into overdrive with our daughter since she has been staying there.
Our daughter obviously doesn't know anything about the actions and behaviour of her mother in the past, though our daughter has told me things about her experience when she was little such as having to care for herself and her younger brother because Dad was at work and mother was "upstairs on her phone".
I should also add that all 3 children are happy, talkative and loving with and around us but always come back off, quiet and distant with us after they've been with their mother.

What do we do? I don't know what to do in this situation. It's awful to see how it's hurting my fiancé, his children are his world.
Has anyone experienced this or similar?
We are at our wit's end.

If you've been arguing to the point that she's moved out because of it then her Dad needs to do some serious thinking about where his priorities are.

Doesn't matter if you minimise it or play it down, it's obviously upset her and that's what's more important than your perception.

Her dad needs to think about how he wants to go forward and preserve his relationship with his DD.

Also its disingenuous laying all the blame on the ex. The DD at 13 made a conscious choice to move out because she wasn't comfortable at her Dad's house. He need to own that not look for a scapegoat if he is going to fix their relationship.

It doesn’t sound like she’s being poisoned? What has she said her Mum has said about you.

sounds like she doesn’t like listening to you fight

It’s strikes me on reading your OP that you’re doing an awful lot for this child while both of her parents are doing very little.

Has her dad always been so passive and useless? What did he do before you came along?

There isn’t any evidence in your op that she is being poisoned against you at all though? Do you have any?

it just sounds like she doesn’t like listening to arguing, normal, and has another option so finds that preferable.

also - why do you do all the stuff and not her dad?

With respect, it doesn't sound like she is being poisoned. It sounds like she feels unsafe there when you argue and wants to withdraw.

This. You can minimise your part in this all you want but the issue is perfectly clear, I’m afraid.

'they live with myself and their Dad full time but stay at their mother's most weekends' - so they don't actually live with you full time?

"since she has been there she barely messages us, short off replies when we message her' - she's at her mum's house and probably doesn't want to spend ages texting you. She's allowed her own space.

'It's extremely upsetting and hurtful to us both, especially her Dad who does on her and she adores him, they've always been best friends and she has always been his shadow.' - you are centering your own feelings and your partner's feelings, not those of the child. Describing her as her dad's 'shadow' and 'best friend' sounds unhealthy and clingy.

Clearly she enjoys spending time with her mum at weekends and it sounds like she senses your resentment towards mum. I also don't blame her for wanting to get away from the arguing.

So you have known this girl for 4 years. Why are you involved with the school or doctors at all? That is a job for the parents. I can’t see how she has been poisoned against you it sounds like her dad does nothing for her, leaves it to his girlfriend, you argue a lot and then blame it on her mum! Of course she wants to leave!

This ain’t anything to do with the ex. This is yours and her father’s behaviour that’s upsetting her on top of everything else she’s got going on . Shes asked if you can leave as she’s overheard arguing. She’s then heard it again and left herself.

Sounds like much to your disappointment she may be better off at her mothers since her father clearly cannot put her first. A child who needs counselling because of such severe issues certainly doesn’t need her fathers putting his partner first when they keep arguing and she’s asked for it to stop by asking for you to leave.

She isn’t happy at her dads house because of the pair of yous arguing own it rather than blaming someone else.

It doesn’t sound like she’s being poisoned it sounds as though she’s pissed off surrounded by not so private confrontation. If she feels safer at her Mums, let her go. You can’t call her “your” daughter, she’s not yours, you’ve known her 4 years and no doubt have a sunnier version of the history between your partner and his ex, there’s 3 sides to every story here it is his, hers and the truth. I think your perception is that she’s being poisoned because it’s easier for you to believe that version of reality.

It is a little strange to be calling her our daughter. You have been with her dad for quite a short amount of time and are not married. Your opinions about her mum are quite unpleasant. She will know how you feel I suspect. The fact that she has said that she wants you to go imies that she isn't that happy. I think you need to look closer to home for the reason things are not good rather than to blame the ex. Of course she is going to welcome her dd and want to have her with her.

Some thoughts

Your sd (she’s not your daughter) has poor MH and as a result, is super sensitive to arguing. Even if the arguing wasn’t bad, she’s sensitive to it and I can see why she thought going to mum’s was better than staying at dad’s.

It was very nice of you to do all the school stuff but why isn’t dad doing it? Sd asked if you could leave after one of the arguments because you’re her stepmum and she will biologically favour dad. Doing the school stuff wasn’t going to promote you to bonus mum status, kids are reasonable to expect adults to do their best for their sake- even if they are just a teacher or stepparent.

The short texts are either her normal behaviour (when she was with you, she’d text her mum like that too) or because she can’t talk about the situation at your house honestly. If she has anxiety then she’ll spend lots of time worrying that you and her dad are arguing and that’s too much to cope with. Obviously you can’t promise not to argue but I can see why she thinks that you leaving would solve that problem. In her mind If you’re not there then dad won’t argue with anyone and she’ll be happy again.

If her mum is as chaotic as you say, do you think it’s a matter of time before dd decides to return to her old pattern of contact? Or do you think dd will see her dad’s action as picking you over her and did her heels in further?

Did you miss some info on why you think mum is poisoning your sd? I have an adult child who is NC with his dad and I don’t slag him off to him. Ex may not be encouraging her dd to go back to yours, but that’s not the same as poisoning her.