Please tell me it’s not just me?

[Igglepigglemum]

Blended family. I have 3 children 18/14/10, husband has 2 children 16/13 - he currently has no contact with his eldest. For mine, he stepped up, literally.

My 14yo son has no contact with his dad for safeguarding reasons, as instructed by social care. He’s had a rough 12 months of it but he’s doing amazing with some blips along the way. My hubby has been incredible - but when it’s hard, it’s a different story. The meltdowns, the anger, the rage - that’s on me to deal with because it turns into a battle of testosterone.

DS recently came to us and said that he believed his bike had been moved in the garage by somebody else, and it was scratched. He was of course frustrated - it’s his pride and joy. Mid rant he accused my hubby of moving/damaging it - to me, but hubby overheard. I’ve eventually got to the
bottom of it and dealt with it, but hubby is now telling anyone who will listen that he is the ‘accused’ and has ordered a Ring camera to install inside the garage to “protect” himself “from further accusations.”

AIBU for thinking that he is bang out of order and that this is intrusive and uncalled for? He is the type of person that will watch every motion trigger etc. We all go in the garage for various reasons. It’s not a security issue, he’s doing it purely to prove a point. Or am I just being silly? Husband seems to have a jealously issue when it comes to my son/children. He’s very much attention driven, needs to be the focus and obviously my boys are the other males in my life and I’m very close to all my children.

Why do you want this for your or your children’s lives?

My exh was very jealous of my dc. And of the relationship I had with them. He saw 1 of his 3 dc...
Exh...

So in actual fact your DH is not incredible, or not in the sense you mean. He cant deal with your DC, and possibly is jealous. His own DC not seeing him is another huge red card.

Don’t waste time trying to work out why he is doing this, the problem is he is. Get rid, put your DC and yourself first. Otherwise this will turn out very badly.

Well, he no longer is incredible is he, nor does he have any plans to be.

unfortunately, blended families very very rarely in the interest of any of the children.

It’s an ongoing battle, I just can’t find any justification for him being like he is. He’s always got to be right or at least prove other people wrong. But this is towards my son, who is recovering from emotional abuse by his own father.

This is one of the most appalling red flags I have heard. Your poor, poor son. You need to get away, sorry.

So he’s jealous of your sons, he is competitive and gets into a dick swinging contest with them regularly, he’s petty and passive aggressive and his oldest child doesn’t want to have anything to do with him
he sounds great

We haven’t seen his oldest DD since Xmas. She took her presents and declared she was changing her name to her stepdads surname. Her behaviour is appalling but she’s a teenager with poor mental health - to which he is probably the main contributor. He shouted at her and told her she was mentally draining him 😔

What is your reason for staying married to someone who is clearly an abusive arsehole who you despise?

It’s all I know? 2 previous abusive relationships - 1 physical, 1 verbal/mental. This was supposed to be different. Nearly 9 years in, married for 3. The good times outweigh the bad but all I see at the moment is disrespect towards my children, and me. Mental health can only account for so much. Me and the kids have nobody else, it’s just us. Maybe I’m scared of starting again, again. I don’t know. Sometimes denial is easier.

That is awesome op that you’ve recognised that. It’s the first step. Next step is to stealthily start looking in to your options.

I dated a guy who said to my toddler 'I'm your rival!' So creepy, binned him for a few strange things (others not involving my son) but that's one of the comments that stuck with me.
Step dads and step sons - dodgy ground fighting to be man of the house but him officially not having authority.

If you love him and he's a good man that's open minded could you suggest family therapy - first as a couple to talk through these things, then maybe bring the kids in?

Actually just read the updates - I don't think there's much hope or he would respond to therapy if he treats even his bio daughter like that. Protect your dc

Ps two books

'Why does he do that?'
And
'It's not you'

Would be really helpful for you op

In the short term, you need to connect with your son and make it clear you 100% back him and he's safe to tell you anything, agree to be quiet in the house when discussing your husband and ask your son what would help him feel safer and more comfortable at home

If he hadn't fallen out with his own dad he would be packing a bag to go there now.

I think it's better to have no husband than one like this. And therapy might help you. Don't stick with him just to avoid the hassle of a divorce. Get advice get your ducks in a row tell a trusted friend etc

Is your husband living in your house? Or is it a house you own or rent together?

We live together - private rented.

I’ve tried to discuss my concerns with my husband but he’s just twisting everything and now claiming that the camera is for “security.”

Have you done the Freedom Programme, if not do it. If you have already do it again.

You are, unsurprisingly in another abusive relationship. The FP is a game changer. It’s worth considering contacting WA, or other support organisations to talk it through. Conversations with him are pointless, he won’t change. You need to get away, for you and your DC.

You poor woman.
You and your children are in another abusive relationship.