Boundaries

[Newkindofstepmum]

You all know from my previous posts that this is all new. I was a single parent for 9 years until my DC was 10 and now DC is 26. Yes, I remember her trying to play things off her step dad but he had been part of their life since DC was 3 just didn’t live together until DC was 10.

Yesterday evening, DP and I went to the pool with his DC.

DC10, when I came out to the outside pool, blocked me and said I wasn’t allowed to join DP and DC7, then thought it would be funny to keep splashing my face with water, pull on my swimsuit while I was swimming or grab my legs to stop me from swimming. Pushed me out of the way at the whirlpool section and said it was her part and I shouldn’t be using it. Then I started swimming to go back inside to the loo. Where are you going? Where are you going? and started to hug me and say don’t go.

Then we were all at the bar at the pool, we had some food, DC7 asked for a drink - we already had water, DC7 said no water, DC7 wanted Powerade. DP said „no, you never drink it. I’m not wasting money on it.“ I completely agreed with him as I’ve just thrown unfinished bottles of juice out from my car and fridge at home.

DP went to the toilet. DC10 tried to take my band off my wrist and asked at the bar for a Powerade for DC7. I said „dad said no, DC7 cannot have it“ DC10 says „it doesn’t matter what dad said, you will get it“. I replied „I’m not your parent and your dad said no, so I will stick with what dad says“

DP was back fairly quickly and I explained later what was said and am hoping he will say something to DC10.

I am sure DC10 is just at that age where boundaries are being tested but I’m not their mum but I don’t want to be the walkover either.

When we got back to DP‘s place after the pool, DC10 was all sweetness with me and wanted me to make Balduk Ramen with them because I’d shown DC10 a Korean recipe that I had done with my own DC.

I am sure the DC are going through a difficult time. Their mother continues to emotional abuse over the phone. DC10 was crying on Monday evening because of the things that were being said. They haven’t seen their mother properly for around 5 weeks now.

We leave tomorrow for a holiday for a week and I’m just not sure how to handle this.

You need to talk to your dp and be clear on boundaries together, you can not allow a 10yo to behave like that and get away with it, you need to be allowed to have some power in telling them off for the behaviour they are showing, if they get on like that on holiday leave your partner to it and tell him why.

Why bother with this situation?
No man is worth it IMO.
Utterly thankless.

We have just got back from the holiday. It was quite stressful. They didn’t want to do anything. We drove for 2 hours to the beach and we spent an hour there. We all had a lovely time in the sea together but….The town was so pretty and it would have been nice to have walked around but they wanted to go back to where we were staying. I was more excited about seeing flamingoes in the wild than they were.
DP and I had a massive fight on Tuesday evening. We had both drunk a bit too much but I was getting fed up with him cooking and they didn’t eat anything and then at 1am they said they were hungry and made Nutella sandwiches.
I wanted to say that they were treating him like shit but it came out wrong in DP‘s mother tongue (he doesn’t speak English) and he thought I said the children were shit and the children thought that too.
And to top it all, every day their mother called even though she hadn’t been in touch for so long and just disrupted every single day. We had at least an hour of trying to calm them down and she would call multiple times a day.
DP said we were finished on the Wednesday and went out with them leaving me behind but they didn’t want to do anything - they didn’t want to go for a walk, they didn’t want to go to a climbing park.
I saw nothing of Provence myself.
DP spent 2 nights in bed with me because if he was me they came in and asked why he wasn’t with them, even though they wrote a paper to stick on the door that said Papa and Newkindofstepmum‘s room.
The only positive thing I can say is I made cheese and ham toasties on Friday and on Saturday the older one asked me if I could make it again for them.
I don’t think we are finished, we talked a bit last night but I’m happy I don’t live with him.
There is a long journey ahead, we don’t know what really went on with their mum and the father of her baby that social services have put in the care of their grandma. It was that or foster care.
I do think the children should be speaking to a psychologist but DP doesn’t believe it helps.
I just feel a bit lost right now. I didn’t help things and I feel guilty. I’m back to work tomorrow and can’t help with child care. Normally their mother would have them for the next 3 weeks before they go back to school but she doesn’t even want them EOW.
Part of me wants to walk away right now and part of me wants to be there for DP.

And for the DC but I feel like I’ve fucked it up and made it worse for them.

But we did have some fun together in the sea, in the pool at the house we were staying in too and I just maybe over reacted because it wasn’t what I would let my own DC do.
Maybe I just have to respect that they are maybe struggling and tiptoe a bit around them.
It is all different, they start a new school in 3 weeks.
DSC7 told me today that she was scared and that she would miss her friends at her old school.

He said you were finished, what changed? I’d be walking away and leaving them to it. You don’t like how he parents his children, that isn’t going to change. Why would you want to be with him to provide childcare for children you don’t enjoy spending time with?

Walk away. Like you’ve been advised many times. He needs to focus on his children. This on/off relationship and drinking to excess is not what these children need.

What changed? He was intimate with me again after a day of barely talking.
I do like spending time with them. Last year our summer holiday was completely different.

Now they seem to have a smartphone addiction that has only happened since the baby was born.
DSC7 was there in the bathroom with her mother when the baby was born and no one has thought this might be distressing or tried to help them with it.
EOW and half the holidays was completely different to them being thrown out by their mother and now they have been FT with DP for over 6 weeks now.
These two are hurting.
We have talked about 1am Nutella sandwiches and how it is not correct. DP agrees.
little one refused to pack their suitcase yesterday when DP asked them, said “I am just a child and shouldn’t have to do anything”. I sat in the room and said, “here is your suitcase, on this side out your dirty clothes and this side put your clean ones” it was done with no stress, they did everything while I said what to do. DP thanked me.
DP is feeling lost himself. It was dumped on him. No preparation just living day to day dealing with it.
When we were first together he said he would love to have his DC more. He is overwhelmed, their mother put all their belongings in black bin bags for him to collect. She emptied their bedroom completely of toys and clothes. They have nothing at their mother’s flat anymore.

His children are completely traumatised by what’s happening, he needs all his focus to be on them and getting them through this.

I think you need to pick your battles a bit more. For emotionally dysregulated kids away from home not eating dinner and then 1am Nutella sandwiches is not actually a big deal. They sound anxious and it's hard to be in routine when you're that anxious. Just let them eat what they want on holiday. They're dealing with a lot and it sounds like they are trying but they can't magically become not traumatised.

I feel drained just reading your posts. It's hard to see any good outweighing the bad. And so much drama with the ex (turn the phone off!). Are you really getting anything out of this relationship OP?

No I was getting nothing. He asked me for advice and I have now been accused of being controlling.
He accused me of just sitting reading my Kindle all day on holiday, yet it was his DC that didn’t want to go anywhere so what was I supposed to do.
I saw him twice after we got back. First night back to work I had dinner with him and DC went home. Second night I said I had to do things at my own home. Third day I was WFH, had a lovely intimate lunch break with him as it’s the only chance these days, barely any contact afterwards, didn’t see him over then weekend then Monday he asks if he can come over, I didn’t answer but he came over anyway and says it is finished.

God, walk away. Why would you want to be round any of this? They all sound horrendous.

He walked away on Monday.

Why does he keep dumping you ?

#lifelesdons. Don’t be intimate with a man who has told you you are finished and after a day of barely talking. Start from there and it will be obvious what you need to do next.

this is your life.

I don't know long you've been together but it sounds like too much hard work.

His poor kids - no excuses for the way they behaved with you but I think this man needs to devote his energies to them; which means that it really doesn't leave much for you.