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Blending families

44 replies

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:20

Desperate for advice. I have a 13 year old and a ten year old. My partner of two years has recently moved into my home with a 16 year old son and 8 year old. My partner tells my children off all the time if they don’t follow my rules. Essentially he is backing me up, however his two have no real rules and he doesn’t tell them off at all. My daughter has restrictions on phone use - 16 year old doesn’t but I doubt my daughter will when 16 but he is allowed to sit with it whilst eating, ear buds in etc. We are arguing about it constantly lately as he won’t accept me challenging behaviour at all. He agrees rules with me and will enforce for my children but won’t his own. This morning his daughter wouldn’t allow my 10 year old to use her hair brush - they generally let each other use things all the time of each others and stood brushing her dolls (actually my daughters doll she has allowed her to play with all weekend) hair with it whilst my ten year old was crying about not being able to find another brush to get ready for school. My partner told my daughter off for being dramatic and making a fuss but the reality is his daughter was taunting her with the brush and enjoying her being upset and told off. Both children wrong to behave in this way but he sees no wrong in his daughter’s behaviour. He still maintains this evening his daughter was just being a normal child and not a big deal. We argued previously as he said I was a bully for not giving his daughter her desert as she refused to say please and thank you. Very basic rules of manners and I expect the same from my two. Blending is hard but my ten year old gives into his 8 year old all the time and I don’t want her to be resentful but me allowing behaviour in her that I wouldn’t in my child. But he really sees no wrong at all. She has taken her toys without asking and hidden them in her mums house and neither him or his ex wife have challenged is as they don’t think it’s a big deal. I am at a loss how to move forward.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
ChicSwan · 15/07/2025 00:16

Itsrainingloadshere · 15/07/2025 00:11

He has built an extension on your house and pays towards the mortgage?

He may legally now have an interest in your house because of these contributions, are you aware of that?

I’d get legal advice asap as if you’re not careful yours and your daughters house may now not fully be yours.

I had assumed that as I paid for all materials apart from the off tin of pain he has just don’t the labour it wouldn’t count as him making an investment in the property. I am naive!

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 15/07/2025 00:23

You don’t move forwards with someone who can’t recognise they need to move forwards and doesn’t want to move forwards. Tell him it’s not working and give him notice. Explain that your children will always come first and you’ll not allow their home to be a place where they get treated less favourably than other children.

SandyY2K · 15/07/2025 00:25

Your kids are the ones at a big disadvantage here. They've gained a man in the house, shouting at them and effectively bullying them.

This blending happened too soon and it's not fair on your kids at all.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/07/2025 00:31

You’re not married so doubt he has a claim to your house in reality. He was paying you £1500 a month in RENT for him and his kids which is fair enough. Ask him what his plan is for securing housing for him and his kids going forward, as clearly this was never the plan long term…

ChicSwan · 15/07/2025 00:35

Thank you all. I do have history of flogging a dead horse. My 15 year marriage was 16 years too long! I try harder than I should

OP posts:
Ladybyrd · 15/07/2025 00:35

if he’s been making mortgage repayments on your behalf he could claim to have a beneficial interest in the property. How big that interest is would depend how long/much he’s been paying. If he had just been contributing towards household bills that’s one thing, but your specifically said mortgage repayments. If he instigated this, that could be a calculated move on his part. It may sound counterintuitive, but I would refuse his contributions from this point.

You may have paid for materials but he contributed labour.

i wouldn’t trust him one bit. He sounds like a cuckoo to me.

Ladybyrd · 15/07/2025 00:43

Has he been making mortgage repayments directly or transferring the money to your bank account? If it’s the latter, was there a reference on the transfers, e.g. re: mortgage? If there are no written references personally I would deny all knowledge if he does have the audacity to come after a slice of equity and maintain it was rent. Just make sure there’s no written evidence to back it up. He did the work at your home to pay you back for digging him out of a hole 🤷‍♀️ Just make sure there’s nothing in writing and no independent witnesses who can back up his version of events.

It doesn’t sound like he’s been living with you for long. I’d try to put an end to the situation as quickly as possible to protect your children and your assets.

Ladybyrd · 15/07/2025 00:44

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/07/2025 00:31

You’re not married so doubt he has a claim to your house in reality. He was paying you £1500 a month in RENT for him and his kids which is fair enough. Ask him what his plan is for securing housing for him and his kids going forward, as clearly this was never the plan long term…

THIS with bells on! And as cold as it might sound, I’d do it in writing so there’s a paper trail.

therealtrunchbull · 15/07/2025 10:07

Get this bully of a man out of your house and stop letting him and his children bully your children!

It isn’t his house. You can ask him to leave whenever you want. If he wants to argue a financial interest in your house he can do that from his own property.

Lifeasafish2 · 15/07/2025 10:45

Your poor children.

Home should be their safe space, but instead their mother is allowing them to be bullied in their own home. He shouldn't be disciplining them - I bet he doesn't do any caring yet you are allowing hi to berate them?

Especially while he allows his own children to do what they want?

Your DC will end up resenting you for not protecting them.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 15/07/2025 10:53

Can you evict him as soon as possible? By allowing this new boyfriend to build an extension you now risk losing a portion of your property.

Your kids must come first, an unrelated male and his kids moving in to their home and being allowed to bully them is not in their best interests.

No arguing or long conversations needed, just tell the man you're not enjoying housing him, he is to leave immediately.

Date him if you really enjoy his company, but no need to inflict him on your kids or lose your property.

GoldDuster · 15/07/2025 10:54

I am at a loss how to move forward.

They move out. You have said you feel "under seige" and you can absolutely guarantee your DC feel this way and worse. You've made a mistake, fine, but the bigger mistake would be just to go along with it.

They need to move out asap, it's not working, these things happen. See a solicitor and find out where you stand legally, in light of the extention etc, and get it done and dusted and move on.

ThatLoudBear · 15/07/2025 13:07

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:47

Yeah, pretty much. I definitely feel a little bit under seige

I imagine that your children feel more under siege than you do.
Why are you letting your boyfriend of 2 years discipline your children?!

DemelzaandRoss · 17/07/2025 13:20

Sorry, but from an outsider, what you have described sounds awful.
Surely both you & DC don’t want to live like this.
Clearly a difficult situation, but in all honesty this relationship is never going to work. As the DC become teenagers it will get even worse. Best to finish now.

beachcitygirl · 17/07/2025 17:26

I’d ask him to move out. I know it’s not easy, but I would. Good luck op

whynotmereally · 17/07/2025 17:30

I’d have a conversation either all kids have same (age appropriate) rules or you do you and he does his.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 17/07/2025 17:35

This is so awful. You shouldn't be forcing this man and his family on your children. You've only been together two years, it's incredibly selfish.

Elmaas · 26/07/2025 15:17

Your poor children.
Allowing this loser discipline them and not his own.

You allowed him force his way into your home.
Is he more important than your children to allow this happen?

Correct it before he destroys your childrens childhood.
They won't forget your poor choices.

Time him, his children and his dog moved out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2025 21:43

I hope you’re okay OP.

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