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Blending families

44 replies

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:20

Desperate for advice. I have a 13 year old and a ten year old. My partner of two years has recently moved into my home with a 16 year old son and 8 year old. My partner tells my children off all the time if they don’t follow my rules. Essentially he is backing me up, however his two have no real rules and he doesn’t tell them off at all. My daughter has restrictions on phone use - 16 year old doesn’t but I doubt my daughter will when 16 but he is allowed to sit with it whilst eating, ear buds in etc. We are arguing about it constantly lately as he won’t accept me challenging behaviour at all. He agrees rules with me and will enforce for my children but won’t his own. This morning his daughter wouldn’t allow my 10 year old to use her hair brush - they generally let each other use things all the time of each others and stood brushing her dolls (actually my daughters doll she has allowed her to play with all weekend) hair with it whilst my ten year old was crying about not being able to find another brush to get ready for school. My partner told my daughter off for being dramatic and making a fuss but the reality is his daughter was taunting her with the brush and enjoying her being upset and told off. Both children wrong to behave in this way but he sees no wrong in his daughter’s behaviour. He still maintains this evening his daughter was just being a normal child and not a big deal. We argued previously as he said I was a bully for not giving his daughter her desert as she refused to say please and thank you. Very basic rules of manners and I expect the same from my two. Blending is hard but my ten year old gives into his 8 year old all the time and I don’t want her to be resentful but me allowing behaviour in her that I wouldn’t in my child. But he really sees no wrong at all. She has taken her toys without asking and hidden them in her mums house and neither him or his ex wife have challenged is as they don’t think it’s a big deal. I am at a loss how to move forward.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Ponderingwindow · 14/07/2025 23:25

Start by not crossing boundaries like asking to use the girls hairbrush. A hairbrush is a personal item. It isn’t something you just use. They aren’t even siblings who have grown up sharing a hairbrush. There is no reason for them to start now at an age when the practice would stop.

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:27

I would understand that if they don’t use each others all the time. His daughter has taken one of my daughters to her mums leaving two and one of the two has gone missing. Hair brushes disappear in this house!

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TheFinePrintess · 14/07/2025 23:30

You start by telling him to move out. (The hairbrush I agree with the older girl- it’s a personal item and I wouldn’t share mine either) but as for everything else it’s a bloody mess. It is never going to work. Don’t think about cohabiting until your youngest is 18

juniper16 · 14/07/2025 23:32

Two years is barely no time to adjust to being together and allowing the children to form relationships before being plunged in to shared living, it sounds very stressful for you and I’m sure not as you’d imagined - I hope others have some experienced advice to share with you, I hope things ease

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2025 23:36

Blending is hard but my ten year old gives into his 8 year old all the time and I don’t want her to be resentful but me allowing behaviour in her that I wouldn’t in my child.

I think that ship is sailing fast tbh. You’re letting him bully both of your children and he’s letting his kids bully them. Your kids seem to have gained nothing from this blending and lost a lot. Not least a home that’s a sanctuary where they can enjoy their own things and not to be picked on by an unrelated man and his horrible kids.

After two years did you not realise he doesn’t do discipline for his own kids but will throw the book at yours? How much time had you spent together?

It doesn’t really matter actually, you are where you are, you need to prioritise your kids and stop living together.

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:37

juniper16 · 14/07/2025 23:32

Two years is barely no time to adjust to being together and allowing the children to form relationships before being plunged in to shared living, it sounds very stressful for you and I’m sure not as you’d imagined - I hope others have some experienced advice to share with you, I hope things ease

That’s without adding in the dog he shares with his ex wife who pees everywhere 🤪

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Summerinthecity25 · 14/07/2025 23:37

Well he is not being fair at all and he can’t see it when you point it out to him. I’m not sure what you can do to change his mind if he is adamant. I would consider him moving back out as you can’t have your children being treated differently. As for calling you a bully, if he really thinks you are then it’s time you both called it a day.

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:39

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2025 23:36

Blending is hard but my ten year old gives into his 8 year old all the time and I don’t want her to be resentful but me allowing behaviour in her that I wouldn’t in my child.

I think that ship is sailing fast tbh. You’re letting him bully both of your children and he’s letting his kids bully them. Your kids seem to have gained nothing from this blending and lost a lot. Not least a home that’s a sanctuary where they can enjoy their own things and not to be picked on by an unrelated man and his horrible kids.

After two years did you not realise he doesn’t do discipline for his own kids but will throw the book at yours? How much time had you spent together?

It doesn’t really matter actually, you are where you are, you need to prioritise your kids and stop living together.

He had open heart surgery and lost his business forcing him to sell his home as he works in construction. The moving in was temporary whilst he recovered and got back on track financially. It was sooner than planned but didn’t want him and his kids without a home but I think you may be right.

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TheAmusedQuail · 14/07/2025 23:39

Tell your partner if it isn't one rule for all, that living together won't work and he and his children will need to move out of YOUR house.

Your kids are being made miserable by an adult bully.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 14/07/2025 23:40

Ohhhhh, so you're supporting him financially as well?

Your poor kids!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2025 23:40

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:37

That’s without adding in the dog he shares with his ex wife who pees everywhere 🤪

But again, did you not know this before moving in together? You sound very passive. You’re miserable, your kids are really miserable and they have no choice to do anything about it! You have the choice.

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:42

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 14/07/2025 23:40

Ohhhhh, so you're supporting him financially as well?

Your poor kids!

No, he is working now so pays 1500 a month towards mortgage and living costs and has built an extension for me so has contributed.

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ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:43

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2025 23:40

But again, did you not know this before moving in together? You sound very passive. You’re miserable, your kids are really miserable and they have no choice to do anything about it! You have the choice.

You’re right!

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Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 14/07/2025 23:45

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:42

No, he is working now so pays 1500 a month towards mortgage and living costs and has built an extension for me so has contributed.

Thank goodness for that.

It still sounds shit for your kids though. Was it rushed because of the financial stuff? It doesn't seem like enough preparation went into properly introducing these 6 people and 1 dog so you could make a good decision about whether it was ever going to work.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2025 23:46

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:39

He had open heart surgery and lost his business forcing him to sell his home as he works in construction. The moving in was temporary whilst he recovered and got back on track financially. It was sooner than planned but didn’t want him and his kids without a home but I think you may be right.

Oh dear god. What would he have done if he didn’t have a solvent soft hearted girlfriend to accommodate him and his kids?! Because that’s what he should have done. As if they’d have been homeless, utter bollocks.

How many bedrooms do you have? Are your kids having to share their rooms now?

The whole thing is completely mad. You’ve prioritised this man over your own children. He’s responsible for them, not you! Did he not have decent insurance if he relied on his business and might get ill as anyone can.

He's fallen on hard times but that’s his shit to deal with! He’s moved in, penniless and the repayment for your ridiculous generosity is to pick on your poor children. Get. Them. Out.

Edited as seen your update about him doing the extension. That’s not the good news it might sound. He might not have rights to the property.

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:47

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 14/07/2025 23:45

Thank goodness for that.

It still sounds shit for your kids though. Was it rushed because of the financial stuff? It doesn't seem like enough preparation went into properly introducing these 6 people and 1 dog so you could make a good decision about whether it was ever going to work.

Yeah, pretty much. I definitely feel a little bit under seige

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Seventree · 14/07/2025 23:48

He sounds like a bully but even if he was lovely, it's far too soon to be living together.

Your children deserve a safe, secure, and happy home where they feel entirely at ease. Adding an unrelated adult and two children that they have known a maximum of two years (though I assume much less, unless you introduced them all to each other really quickly as well) just can't provide that.

It's unfortunate that your partner was ill, but he shouldn't be your priority. Your children's wellbeing comes first.

ChicSwan · 14/07/2025 23:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2025 23:46

Oh dear god. What would he have done if he didn’t have a solvent soft hearted girlfriend to accommodate him and his kids?! Because that’s what he should have done. As if they’d have been homeless, utter bollocks.

How many bedrooms do you have? Are your kids having to share their rooms now?

The whole thing is completely mad. You’ve prioritised this man over your own children. He’s responsible for them, not you! Did he not have decent insurance if he relied on his business and might get ill as anyone can.

He's fallen on hard times but that’s his shit to deal with! He’s moved in, penniless and the repayment for your ridiculous generosity is to pick on your poor children. Get. Them. Out.

Edited as seen your update about him doing the extension. That’s not the good news it might sound. He might not have rights to the property.

Edited

They do all have their own rooms thankfully. That helps. Plus his children aren’t here all the time as I have mine more than he has his.

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Mydadsbirthday · 14/07/2025 23:50

Awful situation for your poor kids. Move him his kids and the untrained dog out immediately.

I can't believe the number of women who move in a boyfriend and his kids and expect their own kids to just put up with it. There are so many similar threads. Makes me really cross actually.

AWanderingFool · 14/07/2025 23:53

The OP can't just ask him to move out as he now has an interest in the house.

He built an extension and pays towards the mortgage.

I feel sad for her children that they're being bullied in their own home.

Ladybyrd · 14/07/2025 23:59

It’s one rule for all not just yours or they can leave would be my answer. If you’re not careful this will create resentment between your children and you if it isn’t already.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 14/07/2025 23:59

So possibly ONE out of the 6 of you - him - actually wanted this move? You were doubtful and the other 4 - judging by their behaviour - don't like it at all.

Seems unfair when you look at it like that?

Ladybyrd · 15/07/2025 00:06

I’m going to be brutal here but he sounds like a grifter. You’re not happy. He refuses to change. You have no obligation to continue down this road albeit you may need to pay him off. I would ask him to leave and think long and hard about getting into this situation again.

Itsrainingloadshere · 15/07/2025 00:11

He has built an extension on your house and pays towards the mortgage?

He may legally now have an interest in your house because of these contributions, are you aware of that?

I’d get legal advice asap as if you’re not careful yours and your daughters house may now not fully be yours.

Butterflyarms · 15/07/2025 00:15

Arghgh where is your loyalty to your children. Just get him out. It's too soon and he isn't sharing house in a way that respects your children. ICK!!!