Adult stepkids - does it get easier?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

If you have adult stepkids, how often do you hear from them? How often do they request stuff? (babysitting, money, etc). Does your DH oblige?

How often do we hear from them?
Every day to week depending on what is happening

How often do they ask for things? Not often but we offer financial help when we think they may need it.

How often do we babysit? When asked so depends on what they have going on.

Yes we oblige when we can, they have similar relationship with us as we do our parents and and they have with their grandparents.

How old are these adult stepchildren?

Every day??

I’m in contact with my mum and step dad most days via our family WhatsApp. My dad and step mum probably most weeks but less often. Relatively frequently ask for babysitting services, would never ask for money.

I don’t really understand what you’re saying.

You’re asking when does it get easier but giving examples of the kids purely just being in touch and asking for normal favours that you’d ask from your parents like babysitting?

My partner speaks to his adult children every few days I think. Sometimes when we are together sometimes not. If I am around I will be part of the convo, if I’m not I won’t obvs. He doesn’t really help out with his grandkids much these days as they are older now, but we will have them over now and again.

Surely as often as if they were biological kids. They don’t become adults and magically disappear.

Yes, some times every day.

Just like I do with my parents and my husband does with his. Either by phone in person or WhatsApp

You need a few extra????? if you knew how often we see them or our own parents.

I was thinking adults would be too busy with their own lives to call mum and dad daily.

Projecting from my own life.

I talk to my mum every day via messages and a few times a week maybe by call. We also have one day a week where we go out for the day.

With my adult kids (all early-mid twenties) it depends. Two I hear from by text (in a group chat) every day unless they're away or busy. One other I hear from every few days, as and when. The fourth I hear from every other week on a set day at a set time as they have a routine.

So it varies massively.

So you question is, when will I be able to pretend my stepkids don’t exist

So do you want to hear from them less? And is that because you feel they only get in touch when they want something (babysitting or money)?

I'm busy as fuck. We have 4 kids, grandkids. Parents, siblings, nieces and nephews.

Friends, full time jobs and our own interests. We go away regularly, nights out day trips etc.

We are living our life, our parents and family are a part of that not some separate entity.

My friend has step kids that she has had a nice polite relationship with for 15 years.

They had very little interest in her and she was happy to let them have as much 1 on 1 with Dad which worked well, coming together several times a year at Christmas, birthdays etc.
All very nice.

She never saw herself as a mother replacement, more like a friend.
Over the past 10 years they have been very busy with their own lives.

However they are both retired now and suddenly grandchildren have arrived, and they started to want to visit every weekend, be fed and sit around.
Her husband moved into her lovely house and garden when they married.
They now live 10 minutes away.

It became too much for my friend.
Constant visiting and hosting, constant requests for babysitting.
She put her foot down and told her husband he must start visiting his children at their home after they had 3 weekends in a row.
She never had children and has no interest in being Granny.

She is now increasingly spending time in a cottage by the sea she recently inherited.
She is renovating it and it is her project and space.
It has been very useful as an get away to not be available.
She has been honest with her husband that she does not see any childcare duties in her future, but he is welcome to crack on as he wishes.

It really is ok to have your boundaries.

It depends on the relationship you have, I speak to my Stepmum probably 4-5 times a week, texts calls etc, same with my mum. Stepmum and dad babysit if we have an event to attend and sometimes just because they want to, mum and stepdad the same (I realise I am very lucky to have so much help).

other friends rarely speak to their parents, some see theirs a few times a week all depends on family dynamic, yours sounds normal to me.

I talk to my mum most days via text. We also have a family WhatsApp chat which people message on fairly regularly. My Dad is on there - they split c30 years ago but he doesn’t message.

I barely communicate with my Dad and don’t enjoy going to see him because of who he chose to spend his life with. But he made his choice. I know better than to ever ask for anything from them.

Thank you for sharing.

How did her husband take that?

I’ve spoken to my DH and we’ve agreed we will only babysit grandchildren on occasional exceptional circumstances.

My partner has two children in their 30’s and grandchildren.
When we first got together they would contact him lots- but only when they wanted money, Dad can I have £30 for a takeaway, his daughter would go away with mates but then say she’s had no money to feed the kids.
He also took a car out for his son- which his son rarely paid for.
His go to has been to throw money at a situation.
The money was becoming too much and affecting our household, so we had it out and it’s stopped.
Since he’s stopped the money/car, he doesn’t hear from them much.

She has been really firm and has just told him this is how it will be for HER.
She likes his children, but has only seen them occasionally for years.

Now that they have moved 10 minutes away they have suddenly discovered her lovely home and garden, she is also a great cook.

She was pleased for them and celebrated the new babies with a lovely generous gift, but she isn't granny and has zero interest in sitting around hosting them both days at the weekend.

Things came to a head when they just turned up the third Saturday.
She grabbed her bag and was gone for the day and left her husband to it.
That night she told him enough, he needs to visit them at their houses as it was too much.

Her house remains hers since they married, just as his house will go to his children, it is currently getting excellent rent.
She is busy renovating the cottage and looking forward to using it.
She told me last week that her step son mentioned to her husband it would be great to use it for weekends when its finished.
She knocked that very firmly on the head.

It's like after 15 years of absolutely no interest whatsoever in her, knowing her, they have decided perhaps she might be of use to them after all.
But she has zero interest in the relationship changing, and for her to be of sudden use to host and babysit, and play Granny, when she really isn't.

She is a really nice person but she has no wish to be more involved.
She is far closer to my kids than them.
My kids love her.

She has spelt it out to her husband that he is welcome to visit them as often as he likes, but she is not interested in her house suddenly being used as the family home after 15 years.

I think because she has always been so quiet and kind, on the couple of occasions they would see her over the years, they just assumed it would be ok.

Pre them having children her husband would go out for dinner regularly, always paying, without her. They preferred it that way and she absolutely respected it.
She kept completely in the background on their wedding days and completely understood her husband and his Ex being at the top table.

But now suddenly they have moved close enough to think her home can become a weekend hangout.
Not happening.
Her husband understands because she has been so firm.
That is why she told him to hang on to his house as you never know if it will be needed.

Their mother is also remarried nearby but her house isn't very big and she plays a lot of golf with her husband so isn't around much.

She wants to be kind but she has zero interest in being recruited suddenly for a role in their lives after 15 years of being very much on the periphery.
She has earned her retirement.

It has been made very clear that her home is by invitation only, no more dropping in and staying hours on end and expecting to be fed.
I don't think she is unreasonable at all.