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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to progress further?

15 replies

SunshineSally99 · 13/07/2025 18:41

Hi all

Would love advice from others who have been on the journey. Me and BF have been together for 20 months.

he has 2 children 13 and 10 and I have 2 children 13 and 4

we have met each others kids but he wanted only to introduce us as friends. I have met his a handful of times either on my own or sometimes with one of mine we havnt done anything with all the kids as it’s hard with the age gaps but anyways.

we agreed to take things slow which is fine and I saw his kids a few times in march, may and then once in June and then nothing since.

it’s been almost 6 weeks since I’ve seen them and since he’s seen mine. I felt like the more I was seeing them the easier it was getting but he wanted to scale it back a little.

anyways, it’s coming up to the 6 weeks and again nothing is planned for us to do anything together.

Unless I suggest it, it doesn’t happen. He doesn’t ask to come and see my kids either.

it’s the first relationship since separating so havnt done this before. I know there are not hard or fast rules for introducing kids and we have gone slow for both sides but how do we make any progress? I’d like to see each other at least one of the days on the weekend when we have the kids and understand the time and importance for us to spend individual time with our kids too but am I unfair in wanting a little bit more?

OP posts:
MaxineHarper · 14/07/2025 02:58

Sorry but sounds like he is not into you as much as you are into him. I think 20 months is fine to introduce as friends and maybe 2.5 years as partners.

Original poster
SunshineSally99 · 14/07/2025 19:12

MaxineHarper · 14/07/2025 02:58

Sorry but sounds like he is not into you as much as you are into him. I think 20 months is fine to introduce as friends and maybe 2.5 years as partners.

Really? What makes you say that? I mean I hope that’s not the case but yeah

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 15/07/2025 01:44

I think the important phrase in your post is “how do we make any progress?”.

What do you mean by “progress”?Have you discussed that with him and does he have the same view of “progress”?

He might be perfectly happy with only seeing you during times he doesn’t have his children. Which is a perfectly valid way to have a relationship as long as you’re both on the same page. If you want to eventually move to a more traditional (cohabiting?) family set up, which is also a perfectly valid choice, then you’re both trying to “progress” to different places …

Covkles · 15/07/2025 09:47

If he wants to take things slow and has no interest in integrating families, that’s your answer, isn’t it?

Original poster
SunshineSally99 · 16/07/2025 17:59

Covkles · 15/07/2025 09:47

If he wants to take things slow and has no interest in integrating families, that’s your answer, isn’t it?

Well I read on here taking things slow is a sign of a good father etc so I’m not really sure

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 16/07/2025 18:09

Well I read on here taking things slow is a sign of a good father etc
I agree with this but, if you see integrating both sets of DC as necessary to 'progress' your relationship, and he is on the same page, why are you unable to have a discussion with each other about doing just that?
If he is wanting to 'scale back' I think you need to question if he thinks your relationship is as serious and long term as you do.

Tumbler2121 · 16/07/2025 18:32

Enjoy the times you have together without the children, perhaps he wants a fun adult relationship with you that's not all about when the kids need new shoes. Also, when you are with the kids do you give them all your attention, or do they keep asking for it?

FWIW I dated a man who wanted us to integrate families, in fact I sometimes thought that he wanted to replace the "family" big picture with a similar one with different faces.

Original poster
SunshineSally99 · 17/07/2025 06:42

Tumbler2121 · 16/07/2025 18:32

Enjoy the times you have together without the children, perhaps he wants a fun adult relationship with you that's not all about when the kids need new shoes. Also, when you are with the kids do you give them all your attention, or do they keep asking for it?

FWIW I dated a man who wanted us to integrate families, in fact I sometimes thought that he wanted to replace the "family" big picture with a similar one with different faces.

The kids don’t really ask for attention cause of their ages. Sometimes his kids have gone off into their rooms and will pop out and then we’ve been out to a park and played for a bit so.

he definitely doesn’t want to replace the family he had he’s made that clear. If anything he’s said to me that he feels I want a replacement for my ex which isn’t the case at all but I do want someone who wants to spend time with me but also my kids too as they’re important part of my life. I don’t want to spend my birthday and Christmas re alone when I’ve got the kids which I currently do at the moment despite having a partner to share it with.

OP posts:
MincedMalbec · 17/07/2025 12:48

It sounds like he doesn't want to have to be an involved with your kids. I think you need to have a conversation and ask him to be honest and then be open to discussing the answer. Its very common not to want to fill a role of parent type figure or even spend much time with someone else's kids isn't it, even for friends.

I am 2 years in and haven't met my partners kids yet. They don't want to and i live with that. I would love to have a good relationship with them though. Conversely, he has met mine and all is well but there isn't a relationship between them. My time with my partner doesn't really include my kids. We are both happy with that.

Sounds like you need to know for sure and work out between you both what you both need and want from your relationship.

Encorage · 17/07/2025 12:55

SunshineSally99 · 16/07/2025 17:59

Well I read on here taking things slow is a sign of a good father etc so I’m not really sure

Show quote history

I agree it is, but he’s taking things backwards now. Perhaps he’s being guided by his kids feedback.

I think your answer is that he perceives you want a replacement family and from your comment about Christmas, I think you do. Absolutely nothing wrong with that but you both want different things and neither are wrong, just incompatible views.

This isn’t the relationship for you.

Nina1013 · 17/07/2025 18:38

I suspect the issue is your 4 year old. I have a friend who had a similar issue - met someone who was past that parenting young children phase and he really wasn’t interested in spending time with her child. I’ll admit, I am way past the spending tube with young kids phase too. It is very, very different!

minnienono · 17/07/2025 18:51

Seems like he is wary for some reason, perhaps it went wrong in the past. Fwiw my admittedly older dc met dp really quickly because if they didn’t get along it was a non starter, and they met their now stepsisters too for the same reason.

Doingmybest12 · 18/07/2025 07:55

It doesn't sound like he wants to integrate families with you at the moment. What that means about your future ,you'll have to have that conversation with him. But I agree its probably about your 4 year old and it's a good thing if he's not wanting to dip in and out of her life or doesn't want the children to have a lot of time together if he's unsure how things will work out long term. Sounds like you are keen to move on to creating a new family unit but he's not at that stage.

Original poster
SunshineSally99 · 18/07/2025 12:04

If anything he sees a lot more of my 4 year old and is very hands on with him. So he’s looked after him a few times, offers to watch him now and again even said he would watch him if I wanted to take my eldest away for a few days so I wouldn’t think it’s my 4 year old that’s the issue tbh but I could be totally misreading it

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 19/07/2025 08:04

Then I'm misreading as it sounded like he's not wanting to spend time together as one unit ,isn't arranging stuff with you and his children or him,you and your children. Now he's hands on with your 4 year old and happy to have them while you go away. I think you need to talk to him and not encourage the relationship with your 4 year old until you know what the future looks like.

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