AIBU- told I’m not important by my partner- and his son is the important one

[Strategies25]

I’m trying not to spiral over this, but fear I may have started to- and need some reassurance.

SS (10) has been off with me for the past few months. I’m trying to be more proactive in our step family and felt it would be helpful if I mentioned it to DP.

I knew DP would react badly and prepared myself for that, but felt if the alternative is I suppress my feelings and anxiety it’s not helping me much. And in some ways I feel it’s a cry for help from SS.

DP has massive guilt over SS as he moved far away from him to support his other son age 16. Meaning he now sees his younger son less.

dp and older son moved in with me and I feel younger SS is starting to blame me for that.

anyway, when I mentioned issue to DP he flared up, then tried to rationalise his thoughts explaining that I wasn’t important in this, the only important one is SS.

fr my side being told I’m not important in my own home, by the man who purports to love me has really affected me.

it gets to the root of the problem which it is exactly how I feel. It took a lot of courage to raise the issue. And to hear DP say out loud what I’ve always feared he thought has left me unsure how to proceed.for context I also have two children, we have no shared children and we’ve been together 6 years.

I'm sorry OP, that must have been hard to hear, but you say he feels "massive guilt" at letting down his youngest DS and I suspect any perceived criticism of him as a father wouldn't go down well (you did say, after all, that you expected a bad reaction). I think, at an appropriate and calmer time, you need to sit him down and ask him what he meant by his remark because I don't think he was telling you you're not important, just that his youngest DS is his number one priority right now. Consequently, I don't think you should "spiral" about this as I think that if your DP had a better relationship with his DS, then you would have a happier home all round (and it's not your fault that he doesn't). 🤗

Thank you @AngelicKatythat is all what I needed to hear 💐

he did say I picked a bad time to talk about it- just as he was running out the door to pick SS up.

it just took me so long to pluck up the courage that I missed good opportunities and blurted it out.

I have identified that our (my) main problem is communication so I’m trying to get better at that step by step

From the point of view of ANY parent, the child should be always more important than their partner.
That is how it should be.
Would you not consider your own children's needs to be more important than your DP's needs?

As a society, this is something we live by. For example, it is written into law in the Children Act that the needs of children are the most important thing in any legal issues affecting families.

So, he is correct, his DS is the only important one if there is an issue with the boy that needs attention. There is nothing wrong with that.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or that the relationship is bad.

Ooh yes, that wasn't great timing OP. Not to worry. 🤗
As you find communication difficult (maybe you're scared of the potential for it to become confrontational?) you could try saying, in that moment when you've got your courage up, "Can we have a chat about something later when we've got some quiet time?" - this would have the benefit of you being able to open up a line of communication when you've found you're able to do so, but to postpone the discussion to a more appropriate time. (A good partner would be able to say to you later, when you're alone and under no time pressure, "What was it you wanted to talk about?")
Good luck OP. Effective communication is something that we're all learning all of the time - none of us is perfect at it. 🤗

But 'needs' as per the children's act should also cover things like behavioural boundaries and managing expectations. Parenting isn't about giving in to a kid's every wish. In fact it's more often than not about how to manage exactly that - kids DO needs boundaries, OPs been given shit by the DSS and her dp isn't doing jack about it. They live in OPs house, dp and dss aren't respecting her boundaries and her home.

Op I seriously think you have a dp problem. He's got a home courtesy of your hard work and his son is being disrespectful. You shouldn't have to deal with that in your own home. He needs to move out.

I’d be more worried by a man who didn’t say his child was more important!

Surely you’d prioritise your children over any man, if push came to shove?

I agree that a parent should prioritise their child, but, quite frankly, feeling that you have to pluck up the courage to speak to your partner about something that bothers you, and finding his irate reaction predictable - well, that's worrying.

@Ohmygodthepain
Op I seriously think you have a dp problem. He's got a home courtesy of your hard work and his son is being disrespectful. You shouldn't have to deal with that in your own home. He needs to move out.

I didn't get that impression from OP's posts - are you looking at her posting history?

@Strategies25 You do need to look at the bigger picture, not over-think the day-to-day comments.
Is you DP generally supportive and helpful? Does he respect you?
Do your DC and his DC get on well?
If there are bigger issues, maybe drastic changes are needed in living arrangements.

If is it just DP's younger son who has problems, you and DP need to discuss this together and come up with a plan to help him learn how to behave properly and treat you, his DF, and his siblings and step-siblings with respect.
This may involve your DP giving him lots more one-to-one attention.

I'm sorry and it must have hurt but I also think the children should come first
Wouldn't you say you prioritise your children over your partner?

I think you need to drill down and find out if he means that his son is the important one all the time or just as this particular time.

As you can see from this thread, many people believe that a child should be number one at all times. Personally I find it unacceptable for any human being to be told they are unimportant in their own life/home/family/relationship and I’m not sure why anyone should be expected to tolerate it.

Of course you’re not as important as his kids. No partner is. It’s that simple.
most adults accept this and don’t try to provoke a “them or me”
you will never ever ever win that one.
also I’d think twice about this relationship shop. 2 kids by 2 different women so far and now moved in with you.
my advice - birth control.

ignore all the people trying to tell you the kids come first and that essentially you don’t matter. Yes his children are important but so are you as his partner. It’s your home too and you deserve respect from his children. He needs to wake up to the disrespect from his child and have a talk with him. Find out what he’s unhappy about and try to fix it. And then discipline any further instances of disrespect. You deserve to live in a happy home and your partner should prioritise that for you as well as his son. If everything possible is done to help the child with whatever feelings they are struggling with and he’s still disrespectful then your partner should be standing up for you and correcting his son. If his son continues or your partner fails to correct him then I would reevaluate the relationship as it’s not fair on you to live like that

Perhaps it would be better if he moved out and you saw him separately?

Bet that wouldn't suit him though.
So many men target women with a home to house them and their children.

Don't be used OP, so many women are.