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Withdjsns · 10/07/2025 15:57

I’d tell him that you think it’s better you don’t stay so he can get into a better routine and have consistency for his daughter. Or just tell him that you can’t sleep when his daughter is in the bed so it doesn’t work for you

Todaystoast · 10/07/2025 16:06

"I'm not comfortable staying over when your daughter is here. It will be different when she's older, and happy sleeping in her own bed every night. I'm not her parent so I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with her. I don't want to rush her."
Is there anything offensive that you are worried you'll say accidentally? You haven't mentioned anything in your post.

Caramelty · 10/07/2025 16:08

I think you are very sensible - I wouldn’t want to share a bed with another woman’s child! Completely inappropriate.

Just tell him that.

Caramelty · 10/07/2025 16:09

I’m actually imagining this if you were a man, and your new partner was the mum. Imagine how wrong that would feel - for you to sleep with someone else’s little girl. Shudder. It’s no different for your as a woman really!

PopThatBench · 10/07/2025 16:09

“I’ve been thinking, and while your daughter is still so little, it would be good for you both to have some alone time when she’s sleeping over the one night a week. You can focus on just her and getting her into a good bedtime routine etc. but I’d love to still see her and spend time with you both in the day”.

nopineapplepizza · 10/07/2025 16:09

He only sees his DC one night a week (which is pretty pathetic on the parenting front, so I’m presuming this isn’t a man you picture being the father to any of your children 🚩)

But back to the point, just stay home that night and let him bond with his child for the ridiculously small amount of time that he has her.

MellowPinkDeer · 10/07/2025 16:11

I would just stay away; let him be with his daughter for that night. No biggy. She only tiny.

ThatLoudBear · 10/07/2025 16:49

He should be prioritising the one paltry night a week he has with his child and you not stay there for that night going forward.
The priority is the child and her relationship with the father.

Praying4Peace · 10/07/2025 16:51

You sound very sensible and understanding OP

excelledyourself · 10/07/2025 18:21

I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if his DD was sharing a bed with a man she only saw once a week while at her Mum’s house.

Don’t overthink it. You are 100% correct in setting that boundary. If he’s offended, that’s his problem and tells you a lot.

TillyTrifle · 10/07/2025 18:24

You should be very, very concerned that he is even open to seeing you on the one night he has his daughter, never mind actively encouraging it. For one thing he should be focussing entirely on her. For another, wanting an unrelated adult to presumably share a bed with his child (unless you sleep elsewhere?) is a massive, massive safeguarding failure. Think very seriously about this man OP. Big red flags waving everywhere.

excelledyourself · 10/07/2025 18:27

When you say having a bedroom of her own is all new to her, why is that? Has she only started staying at his recently? Or has he moved to a 2 bed recently?

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 10/07/2025 18:29

TillyTrifle · 10/07/2025 18:24

You should be very, very concerned that he is even open to seeing you on the one night he has his daughter, never mind actively encouraging it. For one thing he should be focussing entirely on her. For another, wanting an unrelated adult to presumably share a bed with his child (unless you sleep elsewhere?) is a massive, massive safeguarding failure. Think very seriously about this man OP. Big red flags waving everywhere.

Yeah, this. He should not want a very new girlfriend sleeping in the same bed as his 2yr old kid who he barely sees. It's weird that it's even an option.
One day a week is pathetic, why has he not sorted a court order to actually parent his kid?

Tennislives · 10/07/2025 18:31

He should be prioritising his daughter the one night he has her.
Unless he's looking for you to care for her?
Like so many men.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2025 22:00

Why would he be offended? Is this one of those scenarios where he didn’t have overnights but now he’s got a new gf who he thinks can do the parenting for him and/or he wants to impress he’s giving it a whirl?

2 is tiny, I’ve got one, she’s been through a huge upheaval, of course she wants to sleep close to her dad and he should be using their limited time together to focus on her and maintaining their limited relationship.

In his shoes I wouldn’t waste time trying to get her to sleep in her own room for now, she’s clearly happier in with him, she’s unsettled and missing her mum, it won’t last forever.

You don’t live together, I wouldn’t even consider it if you are.

Original poster

Hjb2008 · 10/07/2025 22:05

nopineapplepizza · 10/07/2025 16:09

He only sees his DC one night a week (which is pretty pathetic on the parenting front, so I’m presuming this isn’t a man you picture being the father to any of your children 🚩)

But back to the point, just stay home that night and let him bond with his child for the ridiculously small amount of time that he has her.

Sorry I should have been a little clearer, it’s only once a week she stays over, he has her 3/4 days depending on his and his ex’s work patterns

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AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2025 22:15

Hjb2008 · 10/07/2025 22:05

Sorry I should have been a little clearer, it’s only once a week she stays over, he has her 3/4 days depending on his and his ex’s work patterns

Show quote history

That’s positive. Still no reason you should stay over the one night he’s got her to sleep. Or that he should be upset at you telling him so. Are you often concerned about offending him?

Original poster

Hjb2008 · 10/07/2025 22:17

Sorry, there’s been a little mix up, I should have explained that it’s only the one night she stays, he has her 3/4 days a week depending on his and his exs shift pattern.. the ex won’t allow anymore over nights.. I didn’t want to turn it in to anything other than me looking for advice for my situation, and not theirs.. 😊

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Original poster

Hjb2008 · 10/07/2025 22:19

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2025 22:15

That’s positive. Still no reason you should stay over the one night he’s got her to sleep. Or that he should be upset at you telling him so. Are you often concerned about offending him?

Show quote history

No, not really, we are both really open with each other but when it comes to his little one I don’t want to cause any upset.. I’m an over thinker and this is something that’s been playing on my mind and I’m sacred I’ll say the wrong thing 🤦🏻‍♀️

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2025 22:25

@Hjb2008

If he's a good dad and a good boyfriend, he'll understand the need to put his DD first. And he'll respect you for saying that's what you want him to do.

I'd say "Bob, you know I am very fond of little Betsy and enjoy being around her. But I think it's best if I not spend the night when she's with you. She's still not comfortable sleeping in her own room, and that's fine. I just think that when she's not settling/wakes up at night she needs you all to herself to help her get the routine down. Once she is happy in her room on a consistent basis we can revisit this. I'm sure you understand".

Original poster

Hjb2008 · 10/07/2025 22:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2025 22:00

Why would he be offended? Is this one of those scenarios where he didn’t have overnights but now he’s got a new gf who he thinks can do the parenting for him and/or he wants to impress he’s giving it a whirl?

2 is tiny, I’ve got one, she’s been through a huge upheaval, of course she wants to sleep close to her dad and he should be using their limited time together to focus on her and maintaining their limited relationship.

In his shoes I wouldn’t waste time trying to get her to sleep in her own room for now, she’s clearly happier in with him, she’s unsettled and missing her mum, it won’t last forever.

You don’t live together, I wouldn’t even consider it if you are.

No, he’s had constant regular contact with her since him and his ex split up, he was living with his mum so it was never an option when he had her over night, but he’s recently bought his own place and he’s started asking me to stay on the nights he has her, but i feel uncomfortable, my son is 17 so this is all sort of new to me, I haven’t had a toddler for 15 years

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AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2025 22:25

As a step mum of many many years, can I suggest you try and deal with that and realise you have a voice and it’s as important as his? He’s not better than you in some way because he has a child. If you don’t want to share a bed with her just say so, you’re completely reasonable and right to feel that way. If he doesn’t like it he’s very unreasonable and you should look at the rest of the dynamic of your relationship. Hopefully he’ll get it and it’ll all be fine.

Original poster

Hjb2008 · 10/07/2025 22:32

excelledyourself · 10/07/2025 18:27

When you say having a bedroom of her own is all new to her, why is that? Has she only started staying at his recently? Or has he moved to a 2 bed recently?

she still sleeps in mums room at home, he’s recently bought a house, but before he moved he was at his mums. So having her own bedroom and space is new 😊

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