Bf Kid

[Happypositivemum]

I'll make this quick! My boyfriend and I are both in our 40s. I have three kids under 14, and he has three, with the youngest being 12. Their mum left the kids years ago, and my boyfriend has been raising them since. He has had a few girlfriends, but nothing serious. The 12-year-old was a toddler when her mum left. She sees her mum almost every weekend. Mum moved in with another man and had more children. I came along late last year, and the 12-year-old blows hot and cold with me. She is constantly in a mood with me and her dad. He says she was like this even before I arrived. She is such hard work and can't regulate her emotions; she has tantrums, screams, etc. He says this is normal and she's acting out because of trauma and abandonment issues with her mum. I totally understand that, but she is just so difficult to be around and I feel like I'm constantly on edge. We haven't introduced our kids yet, as it's only been 8 months, but I am constantly told her rudeness and tantrums are a reaction to her mum abandoning her. I am torn between whether he is always making excuses for her or if she is truly a troubled kid. I work with vulnerable children and have two autistic kids, so I wonder if I am just exhausted with her as i'm already surrounded by vulnerable kids or if I am being unfair. She has two older siblings who seem to do everything for her—they were older when her mum left and have taken on a surrogate mother role as dad works long hours. She doesn't do anything around the house; the oldest two do everything including tidying her room for her. They have their own issues, but he never makes excuses for them. I hope this all makes sense?! I suppose I want advice on what to do? When I have mentioned she kept whispering things to me and then giggling to herself he said I need to give her some time as she is damaged from her mum. She seems to enjoy her mums but says she is jealous of the attention her step-siblings get and always comes back in a bad mood. We do not live together and only usually see each other when the kids are not with us.

Step back, she's a child with trauma and it sounds like people have been in and out of her life since she was a toddler. I'd step back, see him away from the kids and wait for a good while longer before trying to introduce the respective children to each other.

This is going to get worse as she gets older and I wouldn’t want to let be in a house where there’s one rule for her and another for everyone else. No relationship would be worth asking my kids to live like that and presumably your kids would be asked to overlook this behaviour.

There is probably trauma because of mum’s departure but don’t fall into the trap of becoming bad cop by trying to change the things way are. It’s not fair on all the kids but you’re setting yourself up for trouble and conflict if you try to solve things. Your partner is doing all of the kids a massive disservice. I’m willing to bet that the youngest has trouble with her peers because they won’t act like her siblings and do stuff for her and the older ones are at risk of accepting unequal relationships in the future as their dad has conditioned them to think that this is normal. I’m not a therapist so don’t know about helping kids through trauma but I doubt that years of pandering is the answer long term. The older siblings in particular deserve better.

We are definitely not introducing the kids for a long time! I have two special needs children, so on a personal level, they need me to tread carefully.

Thank you for your reply. I agree with your point about the older kids and mine. I can already see myself being bad cop. I think it will always be a case of excuses being made for her and me and my kids never being seen as equal.

I wouldn't get involved. I know Dad has been the main parent but it does sound like Mum is still very much in there lives if she sees her every weekend. It's up to both of them to deal with her and not something you need to take on. If he isn't dealing with then you would need to rethink if this is the right relationship for you.

How many other girlfriends has he introduced them to?

She is 12 so there is also a hormonal element. Have her periods started?