Scared

[Newkindofstepmum]

DP (47) of 4 years has got custody of his DC (7 and 10) this week. I am 50 with an adult DC (26) who lives with their partner in another country.
DP and I don’t live together - we need to sell both houses, but I have got to know his DC over the last 16 months.
They are comfortable with me, but it is obvious they had no boundaries with their mum.
We have been doing things like swimming together, that is our thing because their mum doesn’t do it. I taught the little one to swim.
They have had quite a distressing time with their mum who has a baby with another partner. Social services put the baby in care of their grandma.
DP is self employed and because of the shit show over the last weeks before he got custody had to work on Saturday. Of course I was happy to stay with DC as they just need someone to be around. They luckily have friends already in the village from when they lived here before and also when they came every other weekend.
However, I am scared. DP and I have similar views on parenting which is good. I speak the DC‘s mother tongue but I worry it comes across the wrong way because I haven’t been speaking it so long - I’m fluent and they understand but correct me sometimes. I am always checking with DP.
DP told them yesterday that we all have to be a team and work together but today DC10 decided to cook some lunch even though there was something earlier and she refused it at the time. DP was out collecting their things from their mum.
She left everything out and I felt like the idiot clearing it all up and just said please, if you take something out of the fridge and it isn’t finished please put it back where it belongs. I got a tween - oh sorry!

I told DC what I had said and he said it was fine and he will repeat it and he did later when DC had an idea for something else. He said you take something out, you put it back.
I don’t want to overstep but as their mum no longer wants to have contact we need to establish rules and if I am with them when he is out then I need to be firm, or do I just let them run riot.
The little one was actually amazing with me - we saw her going deeper and deeper into a mobile phone game addiction over the last months with their stress with their mum and today they handed me their phone and said can you charge this, I am tired - do you know how to tuck me in? That made me smile. I said I’ve been a mum for 26 years of course I know how to tuck you in. DP came back with their things in bin bags and asked me how the hell I managed that.
I don’t want to replace their mum, they have one that doesn’t want to see them at the moment but I want to be there for them because I care about them a lot. They deserve better than what they had and now it is coming.
Do I continue and help my DP with settling by them and setting boundaries or do I step away and let them have time with their dad alone?

Can’t you do both? Don’t do it for him though, he needs to take the reins.

I haven’t been staying overnight with DP so morning routine is done by him and I go home after supper during the week. So it’s not as if he doesn’t have time alone.
They’ve been with DP for 3 weeks before it became official and he’s had them almost every weekend since Easter.
For some reason this weekend felt different.

I think the first thing to do is to stop and have a think about how much you are willing to be involved in raising two more children. Then talk it over with your partner. Picking an approach you think you can be consistent with is really important.
If you don't want to be a full-on parent again there are options like keeping your own place and capping babysitting at once a week. Things that might let you continue your relationship and have a good relationship with the children but stop you feeling resentful long-term.
If you are willing to be a full-on step-parent again, talk about expectations with your partner. You are right that the children need good quality and quantity time with their dad. If you step up, how will you both make sure doesn't your partner doesn't step back? You are also right that the children will benefit from good boundaries. Will you and your partner back each other up with boundaries you decide on?
I don't think there is one right answer to your question about how much you are around. I think it's more important that you decide what you have long-term capacity to help with and try to be consistent.

Looking at this from the other side, the absolute best for me was time alone with my dad, for the simple reason that as a child, it's very uncomfortable having no household where there isn't an outsider eyeing you critically.
Children of divorce where the parents have both got a new other half have no place where they can just be themselves and be met with unconditional love. People don't seem to realise this and if they do, they don't talk about it.

Step away and leave him to it.
You are rushing into the rearing of two children.

Take a complete break from them.
Do not sell your house.
Give him a year or two doing it alone and decide do you really want this.

I bet you won't. It is not easy.
You could end up being his skivvy aupair if you are not careful.
Children are work, and work that most men like to avoid.

Protect yourself.

@Connebert interesting to have the other side of things. I don’t have to see them every day. I have my own house to look after. Plus their mother had various men in succession moving in before she met the father of her baby.
@Stilllifes Yes, I need to watch out for this. I haven’t had much time alone with the DC until now. I need to see how things go and see if he gets himself into a routine once they are back at school. I’ve always said that DP would make a good house husband though. He does the cooking and the tidying up. I don’t feel (yet?) that I am being used because I am a woman. It was his decision that I didn’t meet the children until we had been together for a little over 2.5 years.

@Todaystoast we have talked a bit about what is acceptable when we are altogether. What he expects if I am alone with DC.
Over the past year I have come to realise we have the same values with DC.

I will stay in my house this evening.
DP is having discussions over what is expected from his DC that they can all be a team together and it’s not going particularly well.
Dropping litter on the floors isn’t acceptable. But I saw their mum‘s flat a week ago and know why they do it.

You sound like an amazing step mum. They are very lucky you have you in their lives.

Just a pity my own DC26 is living their own life with partner but is jealous.

Thank you @Cece92 tonight I stayed away. DO‘s ex is claiming he must still pay her child maintenance even though they live with him. He won’t listen to me and I don’t understand why they are still in contact when she says she wants no contact with the DC.

I think this a case for lawyers if the kids are not in her care he doesn’t owe her a penny she should be paying him and he should be claiming child benefit if eligible. My OH has a 5 year old and my DD is 12 so it has been an adjustment for me going back to having a wee one around but I adore her. She keeps me on my toes lol! My family love having a wee one around. She doesn’t leave me alone together lol! Sneaks into the bathroom, comes into the bed in the morning when I’m there but doesn’t do it when it’s just dad 😂 I must be doing something right xxx

you Are their lovely, stable, caring step mum and need to agree parameters and boundaries with DP, if necessary let the DC know you’ve agreed these together although they’re probably too young for that level of detail. It sounds as though they really trust you and love your care/you. Please don’t let them down by letting them run riot. By living with you they are your responsibility- certainly ethically. It’s great you’re learning their language too! It will probably be hard sometimes to know whether any back chat is because you are f at two parent or because it’s normal back chat or attitude for their age. If you remain stable, loving and consistent any
back chat and disrespect etc is more than likely natural age related. But they may at times be sad or worried for their biological mum. Good luck, you seem like a great step mum.

It’s lovely for these children that you are there for them, and that you recognise you can nurture and care for them - but are not their mother and won’t try to be in that particular role.

it sounds like they have likely experienced neglect and trauma , and this is very likely to play out in their behaviour in the coming months/years.

very sensible of you and your DP to consider your role and the boundaries that you both want to give them.

i wish you all well x

Your partners life needs to adapt to having his dc full time, you can’t fill those gaps. Single mums have to sacrifice their careers all the time and make changes m.

he can’t pay maintenance, he needs childcare etc, this would be a massive red flag.

you are an added bonus, swimming etc sounds great. But let him establish himself as a proper single parent before you do to much saving the day

Very good points raised. Youre not yet living together and dp needs to u detest and and fulfil his role as dad.

Don’t know why people wrote today.

It’s all over now. The older one didn’t want me around and my DP is now my xDP.

I miss it all. 😭😭

I’m really sorry, breakups are awful no matter what the circumstances

I’m so sorry OP xx

Aw op that’s rubbish - hope you are doing ok. Those kids had a lot to get their head round though and they probably just needed their dad and for there to be no other distractions.

Thanks. I am in a big hole right now. My MH wasn’t good before but now it is really bad. I just wanted to help and I messed everything up.

You’ve not messed it up ! Think of it as the storm before the calm. You were in a scary situation with ex and it more than likely would have got dangerously physical. You be out a stop to that situation for you and your child - well done!! It’s massively difficult but scary, brave and vital. But by bit you will shape a new oath - one that is calm and safe for you and DC. This needs to be your focus. Forget men, focus on your wellbeing. Good luck moving forward and again, well done 👏