My 15 year old step daughter wants NO contact

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My step daughter text her dad saying she doesn’t want contact with me after 10 years of her in my life, saying she doesn’t want to be part of my family,we have never had a problem. She would stay with me every weekend since she was 5. But stopping when she was around 14

She stays with her dad’s mum who I think is turning her against me. I stay away from my MIL as she would make me feel unwelcome and speak behind my back. after a few years my partner distanced himself away from her too. He has never confronted his mum about how she has been acting.

i stopped caring about the MIL. but now this with my step daughter I feel like my hearts been ripped out. She turns 16 in a few months and I will hate to not be apart off her celebration.

My partner just said I can’t change how she feels

And he's right, you can't. 15yos are an enormous bag of emotion and hormones and irrationality. It's sad that she's been turned against you but there's nothing you can say or do that will change that. In another 15 years she may have the maturity to deal with you as a human being, but she has clearly been traumatised by her childhood and while I doubt you were the architect of that, she has built hating you into her structure for surviving it. No matter how irrational that is, it's not worth fighting it. You do not need her love and approval, and neither of you will significantly benefit from her admitting how wrong she is at this stage. Support DH to have regular contact with her without you, ensuring that this is done in a way that doesn't demonise or blame you and communicates that you are the part of his life that brings him joy. When the narcissism of puberty subsides, she will be able to cope with you again.

Do you mean she lives with your MIL? Where’s her mother?

Was there any kind of affair or anything that she holds on to resentment for?

Leave her to it. You can't change her.

Hes right, he cant force her to have a relationship with you. Unfortunately your just going to have accept it is what it is.

What do you mean "she would stay with me every weekend since she was 5"? Do you mean she stayed every weekend with her dad? Did he move into your house?
Is she still intending to keep contact with her dad? If so, and you live together, it's a pretty difficult situation. I can understand why you're hurt but I don't think there's a lot you can do about it and forcing her to keep contact will only push her further away.

Enjoy the peace and quiet

That’s a real shame but he’s right. Was there any cross over between you and her mum?

Its heartbreaking i know when you approach a situation with effort and love and get rejected. Step mums frequently seem to be scape goats so it probably isnt personal but feels deeply personal. Have you read up about nacho parenting and disengaging? That may help alot.

Apart from that, all you can do is leave them to it.

Hi, sorry you're going through this. Has your partner asked her why she no longer wants contact with you?

Do you and her Dad live together? If so will she only see him out of the home?

Good luck!

A very similar thing happened to me.

I’ve known SD for 11 years, 4 years ago (when she was 15) after a very difficult 18 months (moods, wouldn’t speak to me, won’t look at me and was very unpleasant to be around) she stopped visiting and cut all communication with her dad and me. We haven’t heard anything from her in 4 years - despite her dad writing to her, texting, sending presents etc. She’s totally rejected us (and anyone associated with us) and we’ve heard nothing. Also totally rejected her grandparents and godparents- anyone associated with us. She’s now 19. We recently learnt that she has changed her surname from her dads to her mums maiden name.

I’ll be honest - the relief was immense when she stopped coming. It had become untenable at weekends. Despite removing myself and her spending all the time she visited with her dad, according to her ‘nothing’ was wrong and she couldn’t tell what was going on / how she was feeling.

In our case - it was all driven by her vitriolic mother who slagged her dad and me off and did everything in her power to stop contact and the relationship (despite a contact order & years of taking her back to court for breaching). Parental alienation is real and I’ve seen what it does. By the time social services stepped in she was 16 and wouldn’t do anything as the contact order ended at 16.

Look up ‘loyalty bind’. SD wasn’t allowed to have any positive feelings for her dad or me. She was completely poisoned over the years by her mum towards her dad and me. And no - I wasn’t the OW. He had been divorced for years when I met him.

It’s very sad - but we are hoping as she gets older and matures she will realise there are two sides to the story and start to figure out some of the terrible things her mum has done. In her eyes her mum can do absolutely no wrong.

My advice - you can’t force things. For your own sanity let her be and hope as she gets older she will mature & realise what has gone on.

Good luck 🤞