Teen DSC no school, no work, no rules

[Helpingorhindering]

My DSC is “homeschooled” due to leaving previous school. Was on the verge of being expelled and refused to go so DM removed child as was being charged for non attendance.
Since being “homeschooled” DSD has done no key stage school work, has no routine (sleeping at 4am, waking up at 1pm midday). When queried DM doesn’t update on what is going on or updates on new school placements.

DSC at the moment does what they like, often dictates our plans when staying, meals that we have etc. Recently I’ve found DSC will talk over me or interrupt me and DP doesn’t bat and eyelid. The lack of manners and respect are frustrating. I feel like there are no boundaries with either parents.

How do I raise my concerns with my DP without causing serious offence?

I wouldn’t give a shit about causing offence! I’d tell them straight that the child has two shit parents and they both need to step up.

If the child's dad hadn't taken the initiative to take steps either re-register the child in school or homeschool them himself then I'm not sure if you saying anything will make a difference to be honest.

I wouldn't worry about offending anyone, either! Why are you with a man who is such a bad parent, OP? Let me guess - has he moved into your home?

Why would you worry about causing offence to someone who is being a thoroughly shit parent and completely failing his daughter? Mind, I have absolutely no idea, none at all, why a parent like that would be attractive to you.

The kid doesn’t stand a chance does s/he? Neither parent seems to care much, or maybe mum has tried and given up, if the child was school refusing / about to be expelled / has behavioural issues.
dad doesn’t seem to want to get involved either, he’s 50% responsible so not sure why you’re putting 100% of blame on his ex. Presumably when the child comes to stay with you, dad does some home schooling? I’m guessing not, so is it any wonder the kid is struggling? Or being rude to you?
Don’t have your own children with this man, unless you are prepared to do 100% of the parenting.
as for the step child, you could get involved and tell your partner he’s letting his child down and does he actually give a tuppence about his offspring, and if so what is he going to do to help his kid, or accept it’s a pile of shite and put up with it, or most sensible walk away, whilst you can.

@MounjaroMounjaro
@arethereanyleftatall
we live in a completely different city, have asked if DSC will register to a school in ours and the answer was a no. We both have 0 clue when it comes to home schooling and I think even worse at a secondary age (and I am pretty strong academically) and wouldn’t have been in our opinion the appropriate path.
We’ve tried helping regarding appealing wait lists and contacting schools but DM says us getting in contact causes more stress.

I do agree it’s insanity. Please do not think I’m taking this lightly I think it’s incredibly irresponsible. It’s only really been a recent issue, we have 2 children together and there is absolutely no way this would be acceptable behaviour when they get to this age but my parenting as the above would explain is very different.

@verityveritas this isn’t a slag ex partners post, but on this unfortunately DM leaves us completely in the dark about everything. We’ve been told DP family shouldn’t be asking about school etc as it’s nothing to do with them.
Have asked if school work is going to be sent up when DSC is with us, and we do not get an answer.

Recently I’ve found DSC will talk over me or interrupt me and DP doesn’t bat and eyelid. The lack of manners and respect are frustrating. I feel like there are no boundaries with either parents.
How do I raise my concerns with my DP without causing serious offence?

Why are you concerned about causing him offence? It sounds like he doesn't give a rat's arse about his child causing you offence.

Sorry just to add to this, he has looked into tutoring but we cannot afford this option. Definitely not the amount DSC would need to be the equivalent of actually going to school. DM not able to contribute to tutoring either?

I know I know the whole thing is COMPLETELY INSANE

Welcome to the world of step parenting. When you’re expected to do all the stuff dad is meant to but not actually allowed to discipline said child because “it’s not your place”

Why does dad live in a different city to his child? Why does he not do 50/50 parenting?

@arethereanyleftatall mother moved away. Unsure how he is meant to do 50/50 parenting when child was in a school miles away and we have 2 children. I assume you are suggesting we uproot our home and move? How does this help with the question asked above?

I think you deal with this by packing your bags and leaving them to it. The child has two parents who are both equally failing. Having you in the mix isn't helping and the dad's priority needs to be the child. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Nothing you do will make it better

DH and his ex made a conscious decision to live in the same area until the children grew up so that they can both play an active role in bringing them up. My parents also did the same thing when they separated. It makes things so much easier for all concerned. I've never really understood why so many parents don't do this.

It was a question , @Helpingorhinderingthat was all, to try to establish the background of your sdds problems.

@arethereanyleftatall no I understand however unfortunately not our situation we have 2 joint children and DSC. DP didn’t get a say in the move and we were not in a position to uproot two children that are settled in schools because of a decision DM made.

@RareGoalsVerge oh right, myself and my children need to leave and move somewhere else? How does removing me from the situation help this child?

I don’t envy you one bit, what an appalling situation. As far as her education is concerned you need to detach in your head and remember that you’re on a hiding to nothing trying to care for a child more than their parents do. With things that take place under your roof stop caring about upsetting anyone, they don’t give a shit about upsetting you, so pick up rudeness as it happens and stop letting one person control events or meal times that affect 4 other people. What sort of message is currently being given to your kids? Make a fuss and you’ll get your way. Terrible, for everyone. Start advocating for yourself and your kids and if he doesn’t like he can piss off.

@AnneLovesGilbert this is one of my bigger concerns, the example it is setting to my children and what they see at the “norm”. They are both young but very well behaved/well mannered. The are 2 options of dinner and that’s all. I allow them to select so that they have a say. If they want anything else it’s a firm no. We choose meals that we know the whole family can eat, as I can assure you I am not making 4 separate meals.

Remember the WiFi has an off switch..
Nowt to stay up late for then....

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet my mum did make this suggestion, unsure how I didn’t think of this already but thank you

Any obvious lack of respect has repercussions here.. Rude?. No lifts.
Lazy, bone idle? No cash - I'm not working my arse off to fund a lazy teen when dishes need washed etc...
Back chat? Make your own tea I'm not your maid...
Clothes not put away? Do your own laundry...
Currently have 3 teens at home. 2 with asd...
Enough to deal with without added crap.

Your dp needs to step up and parent his dc. No negotiation, stop the excuses. He’s a parent and needs to take control.

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet couldn’t agree more! (Ps. can I come and parent with you please for the sake of my sanity haha)

It's home educated. Or not, as the case may be.