SD advice

[sunshinehunter9]

Hi there, was wondering if I could get some advice. I have been with my OH for 8 years, lived together for 3 but we have known each other and been in each others lives as friends for 24 years. He has a 25 yr DD who lives 3 hours away. She refuses to come to our home when she is back seeing her father/grandparents. She refuses to speak to my children (one is 17 DD and 16 DS) and every time I see her and try and speak to her she rolls her eyes or makes a sarcastic comment. We went to the USA in April to visit my family and she was invited over and over again but refused saying she had to work and didn't want to go, then when I posted photos of us there she phoned her dad and went absolutely nuts that we still went without her. She's now messaged my OH stating he isn't to go on any holidays with us from now on, even if she's invited or not. Now I know that's up to him and it's his situation to deal with but she makes me so nervous to be around. We desperately want to get married but I'm so afraid of how still will react. Anyone have any advice for moving forward? Thanks for reading.

It seems like quite extreme, and immature, from a 25 year old.

I’d be utterly baffled by it. What does your partner think of her behaviour, any ideas as to what is fuelling it?

He did tell her to stop being ridiculous and she was invited on the holiday and it was her that chose not to go and she admitted that she was jealous he spends so much time with my dd and ds and she wishes it was him and her mum together and not me. They split when she was 1 so doesn't have any memories of them together. I have tried really hard to include her but not step on any toes. I feel like I've tried really hard and got nothing back.

However OH does baby her sometimes, along with his mum. Once we went to mini golf and he told me we had to lose and let her win or she would throw a fit and another time myself and OH couldn't go to a certain attraction we were visiting in a city as she wanted to go there and would flip if we did. I feel on eggshells around her all the time

Does he ask her to spend time with just the two of them doing something sometimes, without you and your dc?

Your OH is the problem! If he didn’t baby a 25 year old ADULT then this ridiculous thing wouldn’t be going on!

@lunar1He texts her all the time and barely gets a reply, asking her to meet, to do something etc and she never replies or answers her phone. It's like she punishes him, she never even got in touch on father's day. We really only see her when he has bought her something or she wants to borrow his car.
@Nearly50omg I know, Ive said that to him, many of times. We got into a huge fight over not going to the attraction because it would upset her and I said how ridiculous that is. So I went alone. He did apologise afterwards and said he is scared she stops seeing him altogether that's why he has always bowed down to her demands.

Fuck that and her. He needs to tell her in no uncertain terms to grow up. Putting your life on hold because of a spoilt 25 year old.

if she chooses to go no contact that’s all on her but you can’t live your life dancing to her tune. She’s not a baby and sounds like your other half is doing and has done all he can

he either stands up to her or you have to decide if you want to live a life on another adults terms, an adult who isn’t paying your bills or putting a roof over your head.

@EG94 I know, I'm worried my life is constantly going to be controlled by her. OH is eager to get married but I need to have this out with him before we even consider it. Even if he does put a stop to this and doesn't cave into her every whim, can you marry someone knowing you don't like their kid?

Well you can as she’s older and don’t need to have a relationship with her but as she very obviously affects your life I wouldn’t do it especially as your partner is sorry, weak

Was he an involved father or did he do the EOW or worse the school holiday version of parenting? She lives 3 hours away now as an adult, but did he at least live nearby when she was a child?

I’m wondering if her issue isn’t really with you, but with a lackluster father who is now taking an active role in the live’s of other children. She I acting like she has feelings of abandonment from childhood that she hasn’t processed yet.

@Ponderingwindowwhen they split up her mum took her and moved 5 hours away with the guy she was having an affair with ( he had to move due to being in the military) however they co parented really well, they are friends even now and I get on well with her too. He would travel to get her every weekend and a lot of the time stay at a local b&b. She'd also spend all summer and the holidays and his home and he never missed a birthday party or sports day or anything. They both put their issues aside for her and she was brought up really well by both of them. Yeah I agree that I think it's less with me and more with seeing him with another 'family' and as much as we try and make sure she feels included I don't think she would be happy until we're all out the picture.

I feel like this is going to be my future if I’m honest, DSC is 14 and rules the roost. Nothing we do helps anything it’s tough. Has she always been like this?

@HelpingorhinderingUnfortunately yes, it hasn't subsided the longer we have been together. It's really tough, when she is around it's nothing but walking on eggshells, even my OH. He subconsciously wouldn't hold my hand or touch me around her (and he always does usually) until I pointed it out one evening and he was mortified of his behaviour. His mum doesn't help. She is in hospital right now after undergoing major surgery for her cancer, she's been in hospital for 6 weeks and my SD hasn't once come to see her and only turned up 2 days ago cause she wanted to borrow her dad's car then sat and huffed, shaking her head at her bedside when we were taking too long. I stood there with my mouth open like a fish.

@sunshinehunter9 this sounds exactly the same as what I’m dealing with at the moment. Parents haven’t been together since DSC was 2. We are constantly treading on eggshells because if DSC doesn’t get her own way, or if dad doesn’t buy DSC things all hell breaks loose, or she’s not interested with him. There’s been times he tries to put his foot down and DSC refuses to see him
We have a great relationship but the anxiety visits cause me are making me question whether it is all worth it!

She behaves like that because he lets her. It’s abnormal. She must be able to behave properly in other situations or she would be jobless and have no friends. You can’t be in a relationship with a man who allows this.

You must know you really can’t marry him. Not liking her is one thing you could manage with care and infrequent meetings but it’s what their fucked up dynamic that would seriously question who he is as a person. Don’t you find his utter weakness impossible to respect and very unattractive? She’s the monster he helped create. Would he tolerate the level of disdain she shows you, the emotional outbursts and abuse from your kids? I bloody well doubt it.

I’m a step mum. It often has many complications but this level of pandering - to an adult - is properly batshit.

He messed up by not fighting for better access so many years ago. He can’t turn back time and fix that. He might see it as good coparenting, but she just sees a man who was fine living 5 hours away instead of going to court to prevent that move.

has he considered family therapy with his daughter to work on their relationship?

It’s not worth it. He’s choosing to let her behave like this at your expense. Why choose eggshells, drama and angst?

My 26 DC behaves the same way. She won’t see me when I am with DP. She has known DP for 10 years, we are together almost 4 years. DP has helped her with a few things but she doesn’t accept us.
She doesn’t want to meet DP’s DC. So I just have my time with her alone or with her DP
She will get married soon and I don’t want to go to that alone but that is another fight.

Sounds like guilty dad parenting which is carrying on with a 25 year old daughter. Its doing noone any favours. Buy the book stepmonster and make your other half read it too. It was a game changer for me for getting my partner to wake up. Good luck.