Feel like I'm losing myself

Bertybop · 2025-05-30T22:14:58+00:00

My step son is sixteen and I've been in his life five years. He no longer talks to his mum so I've had to quickly get used to being a full time parent. I'm not going to lie it's been hard and me and my partner are always as honest as possible with each other about how we're feeling. We don't want kids together and I'm happy to have him as the only kid in my life. I struggle though. I've gone from having him here every weekend to having him full time very suddenly and all of my 'me' time has suddenly gone. Sometimes I just want to decompress and read or draw but DSC likes quality time together and I struggle to find time to just be alone. He's going through a lot so I don't want to tell him 'no you can't have a cuddle right now' but I feel like I'm losing myself a little by constantly being there when he needs me, which is a lot right now. His dad isn't the cuddly type which is why he comes to me for that but yeah it's meaning I'm a little touched out sometimes. Which I didn't even know was possible with a child that's not a toddler. I'm just trying to navigate this the best I can but I'm struggling. Not sure if anyone might have any advice.

Thelifeofawife · 30/05/2025 23:54

It can be difficult for them at that age. My son has mostly been cuddly with the exception of a slight drift in his early teens.
I suspect with your DSS he’s missing having his mum around so has embraced you. It’s good that he feels close to you and wants that bond, as not all stepchildren want it.
But you do need to be able to have time to yourself. I struggled at times with my DSD as she wanted my attention all the time and if I went in my bedroom for some alone time I would soon be found. In the end I just went out of the house now and again, so I had some space. I would be full of smiles and cuddles when I returned so that she didn’t feel rejected, but it helped me clear my head when I needed to (it also made my DH be more involved with her instead of sitting back and letting me deal with everything).

healthybychristmas · 31/05/2025 00:05

I find it quite odd that he is continually wanting cuddles. That's very unusual for a 16-year-old boy. I can see why you don't want your life to be like this. What are his plans for his future? Will he go away to uni?

healthybychristmas · 31/05/2025 00:06

I think what's unusual really is that you have only known him for five years so it's not as though he has memories of being physically close to you when he was very young. I'm wondering what's going on with these cuddles to be honest. It just doesn't seem the sort of thing that 16-year-old boy would do with a stepmother who he's only known for five years.

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/05/2025 06:48

A 16 year old boy wanting constant cuddles with stepmom 🤔😂

Come on OP, haven’t you got revision to be getting on with?

BTTH · 31/05/2025 07:15

OP I'm sorry to hear this. DSD is 18 now, doing A Levels and everything is a lot calmer, but it's quite the adjustment to becoming a full time step mum.

I would say to make time for yourself. It's really hard and feels selfish but remind yourself you're also showing him that it's okay, as a grown up, to say "I just feel frazzled and need a little time out". Because he's learning how to be a grown up from you.

When she was that kind of age if we went out for dinner (just to eg the local Indian) she'd be constantly texting etc so we couldn't switch off. Now she'll ask when we're going out because she wants the place to herself for an evening.

I think the first time we left her for the weekend she was 17 1/2 (her grandparents and aunt live reasonably close by and she had her best friend stay with her).

Have you got a hobby that gets you out of the house? Could you find one? Or even just take your book to the park or coffee shop? It gets easier. If I'm frazzled now no one bats an eyelid if I go upstairs to our room to read/ watch TV for a couple of hours.

When she was younger I'd have felt so selfish doing that, but then there were times I'd be curled up on our bathroom floor running the shower while having a panic attack. This, with hindsight, is very definitely not how I'd want her to be as a grown up.

It gets easier, he's lucky to have you, but remind yourself to take a little time for yourself and explain to him that it's okay for grown ups to do that, its not that you're annoyed at him or his Dad, you just need some quiet time. Explain that when he's a grown up he should feel able to carve out some little pockets of time for himself too, to recharge his batteries.

Hoplolly · 31/05/2025 07:20

As others have said, it's quite odd behaviour from a 16 year old boy - does he have other issues going on?

BTTH · 31/05/2025 07:36

I should mention DSD got very cuddly at that age. I assume because she felt rejected by her Mum.

My nephews and nieces aren't remotely cuddly teens, but they're also not processing a world where their Mums are variously ghosting them, blocking them, inundating them with abusive messages and then declaring their undying love and blaming them for not wanting to live with them.

She's far less cuddly now, but if she is and I mention it to DH he'll usually find out there's been another barage of communication from her Mum.

GingerPaste · 31/05/2025 08:00

How sad that a 16 year old boy who’s having a really tough time is seen as odd for wanting a bloody cuddle!

Original poster

Bertybop · 31/05/2025 19:04

Bit more info: his mum was very neglectful to him when he was growing up and I think I was the first person to fully make him feel safe as he didn't have a great relationship with his dad either (though that's fixed now). Neither his mum and dad gave him hugs etc though which is why he's like he is now. It's nothing more than that or anything weird, he literally said to me I'm like the mum he never got to have.

Thank you for the useful feedback. It'll definitely help me to not feel guilty when I do things for me and go to a coffee shop etc on my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bertybop · 31/05/2025 19:05

BTTH · 31/05/2025 07:15

OP I'm sorry to hear this. DSD is 18 now, doing A Levels and everything is a lot calmer, but it's quite the adjustment to becoming a full time step mum.

I would say to make time for yourself. It's really hard and feels selfish but remind yourself you're also showing him that it's okay, as a grown up, to say "I just feel frazzled and need a little time out". Because he's learning how to be a grown up from you.

When she was that kind of age if we went out for dinner (just to eg the local Indian) she'd be constantly texting etc so we couldn't switch off. Now she'll ask when we're going out because she wants the place to herself for an evening.

I think the first time we left her for the weekend she was 17 1/2 (her grandparents and aunt live reasonably close by and she had her best friend stay with her).

Have you got a hobby that gets you out of the house? Could you find one? Or even just take your book to the park or coffee shop? It gets easier. If I'm frazzled now no one bats an eyelid if I go upstairs to our room to read/ watch TV for a couple of hours.

When she was younger I'd have felt so selfish doing that, but then there were times I'd be curled up on our bathroom floor running the shower while having a panic attack. This, with hindsight, is very definitely not how I'd want her to be as a grown up.

It gets easier, he's lucky to have you, but remind yourself to take a little time for yourself and explain to him that it's okay for grown ups to do that, its not that you're annoyed at him or his Dad, you just need some quiet time. Explain that when he's a grown up he should feel able to carve out some little pockets of time for himself too, to recharge his batteries.

Thank you so much, that was really really helpful

OP posts:

DisappearingGirl · 31/05/2025 19:11

You're not wrong for sometimes needing a break from your kid, whether they are a bio kid or step kid - I think all parents need that sometimes! Totally fair enough to go out on your own sometimes, or tell your DP he needs to take him out somewhere while you watch telly and eat chocolate get some jobs done at home.

It must have been tough suddenly having him full time. It sounds like you've been a lovely parent figure to him.

PizzaPowder · 03/06/2025 15:05

I totally get where you're coming from. I used to read a book per week and i think i've read 2 in the 5 years i've been a full time step mum. It's hard work but i chose this so need to suck it up.

I think it's great that you're there for him and he feels comfortable enough to want the cuddles when his head has been messed up by his mum but i totally understand that you do want some you time too.

It's a hard one to juggle and i don't have any answers i'm afraid. The me before i moved in with a kid certainly isn't me anymore. Suppose that's what it's like for all parents really. Life changes for the kids.

At 16 though, it won't be too much longer before you get yourself back x

BTTH · 03/06/2025 15:22

FWIW we're already worrying about being empty nesters in the autumn, we expect we'll have about two weeks of enjoying having complete control over our food/ TV/ not being required to taxi etc and then we'll be muddling on until Christmas dying to get her back home. We've warned her to expect needy texts asking "Are you coming home this weekend?" "Next weekend?" "The weekend after???" 🤣

Y2ker · 03/06/2025 17:47

OP I think this is something that your OP has to step up and own and understand. You have become the default parent, partly because of the mother's neglect but it sounds like your DH has also neglected to be there for this kid. It must be very easy for him to look to you to provide that emotional support and parental love for his son but really he needs to up his game, invest time in him properly (and without you always being there) and learn how to be emotionally supportive and even give hugs. I think you need a chat with him. Maybe do some research first about the impact of neglectful parenting etc.