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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

As a nearly step nan will I be treated differently

22 replies

sometimesgirl · 29/05/2025 22:58

Hi
Just a bit worried that my step son who I didn't raise is soon to become a dad. Wondered if any other step parent has experienced feeling not part of the step ganchilds life. My step son has never understood why his ex girlfriend stayed in touch with her step dad when her mum divorced him. So wondering if he won't accept me as a nan type figure even though me and his dad have been married for 11vyears and we all get on well.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Babyghirl · 29/05/2025 23:19

If he dosnt view you and a granny figure don't do any childminding for him, he can't have it both ways.

Enough4me · 29/05/2025 23:24

My stepnan was my nan, due to the way she cared about me. While my biological nan was horrible.

My partner is stepdad to my DCs and has a stepdad himself. He knows to be present and patient and that it can take years.

I think it can take longer to have a connection as it's not through blood and the family around can try to get in the way, but it can also work out!

HeddaGarbled · 29/05/2025 23:48

If he dosnt view you and a granny figure don't do any childminding for him, he can't have it both ways

Good grief. Some people could start a fight in a paper bag.

I’d assume that when the grandfather sees the child, you’ll often be there too. Don’t worry about labels. The relationship will develop in parallel with your husband.

Original poster

sometimesgirl · 30/05/2025 00:10

Thanks for this. Think I'm overthinking but worried if my husband dies then my role will no longer exist in my step sons eyes, even if I might have developed a really good bond with step child.

OP posts:

VoltaireMittyDream · 30/05/2025 00:12

Really depends on your relationship with your stepson, I should think - and his relationship with his DF.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 30/05/2025 00:26

Baby isn't even born and you're wondering what will happen if your husband dies?

Just go with the flow, be happy for them, see what happens. You don't need a defined 'role' in all this - you're right in that you're overthinking it and (I'm not trying to be mean but) centring yourself in a situation that really isn't about you.

OhmygoshREALLY · 30/05/2025 09:44

Do you get on with your (step) DIL? If you two have a good relationship then I wouldn’t worry, no matter what happens she’ll probably be a great driving force in you maintaining a good relationship with your SDGC

SeaFloor · 30/05/2025 09:55

Well, what is your relationship with your stepson like? What is your DH’s relationship with his son like? If you didn’t raise him, how long have you been in his life and what kind of role have you played? Does he have a living mother in his life?

thecrispfiend · 30/05/2025 11:20

I would caution against becoming default childcare. You might not be flavour of the month now but I can put money on that changing when the novelty wears off and they need childcare. I have two friends who were not that close to their step sons who now are doing a lot of childcare - husband very keen to have grandchild over but spends like 30 mins playing then shuffles off both friends end up doing all the grunt work.

Daisyvodka · 30/05/2025 11:24

What's your relationship with your stepson like?
It's also, I'm sorry to say - just something you need to accept. If the worst did happen and he didn't want to continue a relationship between you and his child, you would just have to accept it, however sad that might be for you.

tripleginandtonic · 30/05/2025 11:32

sometimesgirl · 30/05/2025 00:10

Thanks for this. Think I'm overthinking but worried if my husband dies then my role will no longer exist in my step sons eyes, even if I might have developed a really good bond with step child.

In that scenario, if the bond is there I'm sure they'd continue to have you as part of their child's life

sciaticafanatica · 30/05/2025 11:38

My dad married my stepmother when I was 11.
she is a nice lady and I’ve never been rude or disrespectful to her but she is literally just my dads wife.
I feel/ felt no bond with her and only ever called her by her first name.
my dad died over 25 years ago.
i helped her through that and keep in touch but she is not my children’s grandmother and isn’t and hasn’t been involved in anything family related.

sesquipedalian · 30/05/2025 11:47

I think it depends on the relationships between the people concerned. I am a Grandma and step-Grandma - one step-grandson has four sets of grandparents (divorce on both sides) but all seem to be involved in the lives of their step families. What would happen in the event of the death of the actual parent or grandparent remains to be seen.

Fantailsflitting · 30/05/2025 13:34

My husband's stepmother is a lovely person. She got married again after FIL died and we were invited. As my SIL put it, we are all family. My stepmother in law unblushingly introduces me as her daughter in law. My children are far closer to her than their real paternal grandmother.

SandyY2K · 03/06/2025 02:55

It's very much about your relationship with stepson. I do understand you fears about if your DH passes away.

My FIL is very old and I don't see DH or any of his siblings bothering to see dad's wife/SM when he passes on, likely this year due to ill health as well.

He married her when DH was 30+, so she's never been a SM to him really.

Our DC probably wouldn't make the effort to see her either. She's nice and pleasant, but we only see her because of FIL.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/06/2025 03:03

Honestly? It depends very much on the parents.

I have friends who were allowed to be step-gran. I wasn't, though it was very plain that the parents were very happy to accept any gifts (particularly monetary) for their child.

No, I wasn't the OW. Ironically, the child's mother was.

Lavendersong · 03/06/2025 03:30

I preferred my step granny to my real granny. She was friendly and fun and always slipped me a fiver when we went to visit.

hhtddbkoygv · 03/06/2025 03:40

There's no one-for-all answer here. It entirely depends on the relationship, titles are irrelevant.

As an aside, do you often overthink things to the point that you're pondering what your relationship would be like with a baby that hasn't been born if your husband died?

caringcarer · 03/06/2025 04:01

If you want a good relationship with your DS's child cultivate the relationship with his partner. Be very nice to her and she will view you positively even if SS doesn't value you too much.

Original poster

sometimesgirl · 23/11/2025 16:55

Sadly, yes.

OP posts:

confusedwife847 · 23/11/2025 19:49

My step dad brought me up from the age of 11. My children have always called him grandad and treated him no different. If my mum were to pass first he would still be their grandad and still be in our life

SemperIdem · 23/11/2025 19:55

It’s so variable. I can only speak from my own experience, I have a step dad, he’s been in my life since I was 10. Whilst not my dad, I’ve never called him dad, I do consider him to be one of my parents and he has equal standing as a grandparent. If my mum were to die before him, nothing would change for our relationship or the one he has with my children.

I’ve never had a step mum but if my dad were to meet someone, I would welcome her and allow a role she felt comfortable having in my children’s lives. At the age I am now, I’d never see her as a parental figure but I wouldn’t be unwelcoming.

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