When is a consequence appropriate?

[QueenRBF]

To start off my stepdaughter is 11. She is a relatively good kid and I love her in my own way. She's not bad at all.

But there are things that I'm just not sure if she should be deserving of a consequence? I know when I was a kid I certainly got them if I did similar, but I know my parents parenting style when I was young is different than most parents now and certainly different than my husband.

For example, cleaning chores. SD knows her chores are to clean her room and bathroom. She will often do half the work and then come downstairs and tell us she's done. My husband takes her word for it and is all like "good job thank you SD!" Without actually checking on her work.

I might go upstairs an hour later to find it seems like nothing is done. Or her room is half done and the bathroom not at all. I come downstairs and tell SD "you are not done...[list off the things she knows she was told to do that she hasn't done]." She makes a face as if I don't know what I'm talking about but there's no consequence for lying to us. Essentially the consequence is if DH or I find her chore is incomplete, she stops what she's doing and she goes and completes the chore.

Another thing might be her leaving lights on. She has to sleep with like 2 different table lamps and her closet light on. She knows the rule is that she needs to turn those lights off when she gets up, but many times she forgets and leaves them on. DH will remind her to turn them off. Sometimes it's a simple reminder. Sometimes he's a little more harsh in his tone. But there's never a consequence. One time a co-worker (nuclear family) talked about him and his wife taking the light bulbs from his son's lamp as a consequence to that. I suggested it and it happened once, but only lasted maybe 30 min of SD whining before DH caved.

I try not to let these little things get to me, cuz like I said overall she's a great kid but I just feel like if she doesn't get a consequence she'll never learn. I just don't know if undone chores or lights left on are big enough deals. My DH doesn't seem to think so.

I think asking her to finish the chores is the consequence. She sounds like a nice kid and most need reminders at that age.

Removing bulbs is pathetic. Let her be a child, seriously cleaning a fucking bathroom. Poor girl. You are a bully.

I know it’s hard to convey tone over text, but the op is talking about her like she’s her partners old, smelly dog that keeps pissing on the couch or something. An inconvenience she has to put up with. Actually says ‘I love her in my own way’ 😡

Actually taking the lightbulbs away from a frightened child, and then getting pissed off at her partner for putting his foot down over something I’d consider borderline abuse

Pick your battles. These issues are relatively minor & not something I'd die on a hill for.

Get a timer for the lights so they switch off automatically at 7am or whatever.
I find the idea of an 11 year old having her own personal bathroom a bit unusual.
Presumably someone else (you, husband, cleaner) is cleaning the toilet or whatever so why can't the mirror be cleaned at the same time as that?
Personally the only rule I'd have for her bathroom is clothes/towels that need washing to be put in a washing basket.
Damp towels that will be reused to be hung up.
That's it.

How often is DSD at her dads?

If it’s EOW, then of course she’s going to forget things/your standards. The poor child must feel like she’s walking on egg shells.

She’s young to clean to an adults standard, we get our child to see, see how they’ve done then HELP them finish it properly.

You’ve been badgering her since she was 5/6?

The lights - dad should ask her to go check. I leave lights on as I don’t like walking into a dark room.

finally, I notice you’ve not answered how much housework DH does.
Are you expecting DSD to clean when he doesn’t?

We don't have a maid or cleaning service. I grew up learning how to clean. Dusting furniture, wiping my sink countertops, windexing the mirrors. Those aren't hard things. Why can't she learn those things too? Why is 11 not old enough to have those simple chores? She will grow up. She will have her own place one day. And unless she is financially secure enough to have a cleaning service, she will need to clean her own home. Why is 11 too young to learn? At what age is it appropriate to teach a child the basics of cleaning?
She is not asked to scrub the toilet. Even scrubbing the toilet isn't hard when you have the brush or sponge on the end of a long stick? Either way, the toilet is not her job. She isn't asked to scrub the tub out or mop the floor. When the tub is scrubbed, DH does it either by himself or with SDs help but she never does it by herself. We are trying to teach basic life skills. Her room and her bathroom are her only chores. She is never asked to dust anything, vacuum anything, she doesn't do dishes or any kind of kitchen cleaning, aside from putting condiments back in the fridge after dinner. We are trying to teach that if you make the mess, you clean it. Her mirror is a mess because she's got makeup or toothpaste or soap smudged all over it. We are trying to teach like, there are times when parents help you. There are times when you can ask for help, but as you grow up you have to learn responsibility and if you make the mess, you clean it.

But it doesn't matter. I was just looking for some advice. You all wouldn't be on this app in these subs if you were the perfect parents and didn't come looking for some kind of parenting advice or help, regardless if you're the bio, a CF step, a step with their own BKs... You are all here for help unless you're on here just to troll and tell other people their life. So don't presume to know my feelings for my stepdaughter.

If it's literally just her mirror that needs cleaning then leave a packet of mirror wipes in the bathroom so if she finds she can't see in the mirror properly she'll clean it.
If a few toothpaste splashes aren't bothering her then leave it.
When the bathroom gets a full clean the mirror can have a clean then.

I ask again - how often is she at her dad’s house?

You asked a question, we have our opinion, not sure why you’ve got aggressive - take the advice or don’t, what do you want people to do? Just nod?

Kids forget/do things to a different standard. Constantly mithering them causes a different set of issues especially for SC.
Best bet is to guide them, gently remember them do whatever WITH them.
Constant consequences are sometimes counter productive.

Just because you grew up and we're parented in a certain way, you don't get to decide how your husbands daughter is parented, she is not your daughter. Of course you can ask her to do things etc but you can't hold her to the same standards you were as a child, focusing on cleaning duties that much at 11 seems a bit full on.

You already make her stop what she’s doing and go back and finish her cleaning. That’s the consequence. What more do you want. Maybe you should all pick up after yourselves as you go in the bathroom rather than leave things lying around, so there is one less job for her to do. If she’s continually leaving her multiple lamps on in her room then I would just leave her with one lamp. No kids bedroom needs multiple lamps. You’ve already said that your parents didn’t parent in the best way so why would you want to perpetuate that kind of parenting. I thinking you’re overthinking this. There will be bigger battles along the way. I’m posting as a step parent.

I remember my DH telling me how my now adult DSD had her light bulbs removed by her mum as a child. It was punishment for not turning them off because she wanted to read, she is now a surgeon. Obviously the mum was his ex and he did not agree with that punishment, I would not marry a man who did. he used to send DSD little torch lights to counter it.

it has always struck me as a peculiarly cruel and twisted punishment. Reading this has not changed my mind.

Nobody needs to presume how you feel. You make it quite clear how you feel about the poor girl. People aren’t trolls just because they’re appalled at your treatment of somebody else’s child.

When did I say I leave things around for SD to pick up? We have multiple bathrooms in our house. She is asked to clean HER bathroom only. Any messes made in that bathroom are made by HER. Toothpaste all over the sink, smudged on the mirror, makeup all over the sink and smudged on the mirror, clothes all over the floor, are her messes. Neither DH nor I are going in there, making a mess and then expecting her to clean it.. I happen to walk in the room to put some towels away after she specifically told us she cleaned it, to find it a mess and I'm not allowed to be frustrated that she told us she did something that she didn't do?

Please tell me what you do with your SKs? What are their roles and responsibilities? They are allowed to leave your house looking like shit, and you don't care "because they're kids"?

I'm not some neat freak. I make my own messes too, but I clean up after myself. And I'm not expecting the house to be spotless. There are messes and there are crumbs and DH and I do our fair share of keeping the rest of the house clean. And helping SD with her room when she needs help too. I just think it's not right that lately, she comes and tells us she's done something she obviously didn't do.

Next time I will just send DH up after her so he can check her work.

So an 11yo shouldn't be responsible for cleaning up after themselves? We aren't asking her to clean the whole house. Or our bedroom. Or our bathroom. Just her own bathroom. How is asking her to do that not allowing her to be a child? At 11 years old we should allow her to run the house, and have absolutely NO responsibility? Because her room and her bathroom are the only responsibility she has.

You’re being incredibly defensive. You asked for our opinions and we’ve given them.

Consequences here would be to finish the job.

Don't care if you're mid watching a movie or chilling out on the sofa. Get up and get it sorted. But beyond that, no.....they're 11. Even at 15 I'd have the same rule 🤷 yes it is annoying but I can't get worked up about it.

Taking lightbulbs is pathetic