When is a consequence appropriate?

[QueenRBF]

To start off my stepdaughter is 11. She is a relatively good kid and I love her in my own way. She's not bad at all.

But there are things that I'm just not sure if she should be deserving of a consequence? I know when I was a kid I certainly got them if I did similar, but I know my parents parenting style when I was young is different than most parents now and certainly different than my husband.

For example, cleaning chores. SD knows her chores are to clean her room and bathroom. She will often do half the work and then come downstairs and tell us she's done. My husband takes her word for it and is all like "good job thank you SD!" Without actually checking on her work.

I might go upstairs an hour later to find it seems like nothing is done. Or her room is half done and the bathroom not at all. I come downstairs and tell SD "you are not done...[list off the things she knows she was told to do that she hasn't done]." She makes a face as if I don't know what I'm talking about but there's no consequence for lying to us. Essentially the consequence is if DH or I find her chore is incomplete, she stops what she's doing and she goes and completes the chore.

Another thing might be her leaving lights on. She has to sleep with like 2 different table lamps and her closet light on. She knows the rule is that she needs to turn those lights off when she gets up, but many times she forgets and leaves them on. DH will remind her to turn them off. Sometimes it's a simple reminder. Sometimes he's a little more harsh in his tone. But there's never a consequence. One time a co-worker (nuclear family) talked about him and his wife taking the light bulbs from his son's lamp as a consequence to that. I suggested it and it happened once, but only lasted maybe 30 min of SD whining before DH caved.

I try not to let these little things get to me, cuz like I said overall she's a great kid but I just feel like if she doesn't get a consequence she'll never learn. I just don't know if undone chores or lights left on are big enough deals. My DH doesn't seem to think so.

This seem like small things if she's basically a good kid. I wouldn't be pushing for consequences.

Personally no I don’t think so. I’d be checking her room straight away to see if her chores were done to a good enough standard, but the lights? Nah. Kids need reminding about things, taking out bulbs seems a bit harsh! At only 11 I think there are going to be plenty of opportunities to educate about consequences very soon….

You ask her, in the morning, to check she remembered to switch off her lights. If she refuses, ask her if you go to check, what will you find? If she is certain she switched them off, you say ok, I'll check anyway. If she has switched them off, lots of praise and a thank you. You are going from the point of view that you believe her, but sometimes we think we've done something when we haven't. If the lights are on you leave them on, come down, tell her, and ask her to go up and turn them off, because it will help her remember.

You do all this in a friendly, non disciplinary tone, it's oops you forgot, not how dare you lie etc.

You ask her how you can help her remember and why it's important to do her chores. It's not "because you tell me I have to," it's because of being a helpful member of the family, everyonedoing their bit, the electricity bill, environmental impact etc.

Your - and, more importantly dh's - line is, if I go and check, what will I find? And she will get the idea that if she hasn't done what she is claiming to do, she will immediately be found out amd have to finish anyway.

None of this is to be done in anything more than a neutral tone, you just want her to realise claiming she's done something doesn't work. She might huff and stomp - ignore this.

Also crucial is that dh is on board. If he isn't willing to do this, you are a bit stuffed.

Does she live with you full time?

TBF I wouldn't call the reporting on incomplete "tidying" lying. They do have a very different perception of "tidying" to adults. If DSD, when younger, picked the manifestly dirty clothes up off the bathroom floor and put them in the laundry basket, but left the "to be worn again" ones on the floor, she'd genuinely have felt like she had "tidied". Ditto cleaning the kitchen. Objecive tasks like putting her plate in the dishwasher she could do. "Cleaning" the counter often led to spills being semi cleared, semi smeared because she didn't rinse out the cloth to complete the job properly.

So don't view the situation as dishonesty requiring more severe consequences. View it as shoddy work/ over sights and as others have said, help, nudge, check and praise her when she does a good job.

Everyone knows it's not a step Mum's job to discipline the DSCs but given we often tidy after them not doing so can feel frustrating. However, neutrally nudging, and praising when she does a good job can help square that circle.

She'll get there. Eventually.

Do you have children op?

Dh needs to get up and check her room when she says it is done. Sometimes they genuinely dont see the detail and if she is lying she will soon learn it is pointless.

For light bulbs it is easy to forget, i would just remind her each morning.

It sounds as though your OH is less bothered than you about whether your SD does these chores.

How much cleaning does he do?

The consequence of not cleaning the bathroom.correcrly is having to go and clean it correctly. If you start getting all aggressive about silly "lies" like this - that as a pp said probably dont feel like lies to her because their perception is different, you are just setting yourself up for failure.

The lights are irritating but children dont remember lights. Remind her.

She just need reminding not punishing and taking a kids light bulbs when they need lights to sleep and feel safe is cruel.

Pick your battles (hint: not this). These sound like such minor normal child things.

God the leaving lights on thing used to do my absolute head in. What worked for me was checking myself, then if the light wasn't off I would make them come back upstairs themselves to switch it off. They soon started remembering.

As for the cleaning, 11 is quite young to be expected to clean properly. Your DH needs to show them.

You sound a bit mean tbh op. Taking lightbulbs out of her lamp for forgetting to switch it off? Have you never forgotten to do anything? I wouldn't have a consequence for things like that, I'd just say go and switch it off please. Same with the chores, I'd just say, I noticed you hadn't finished bathroom please go up now and finish it, not give another consequence. She's only 11, things like cleaning bathrooms and bedrooms isn't going to be perfect at this age.

You sound horrible tbh. You can’t expect an 11 year old to clean a bathroom properly, she’s not Cinderella.

For the lights I would buy a timer to ensure they go off.

I agtee with the ithers. "If I go check what will I find" appeoach.

Does she have her own ensure bathroom?

If not what do you mean by cleaning the bathroom? As much as my 3 kids have had "chores" including tidying their room and making beds I would still "clean" in there. As for the bathroom I would expect them to rise the sink round and hang up wet towels at 11 but not full on clean shower cubicles etc.

Do you have your own children? I am interested on what level of cleaning you expect. The only consequences mine would get would be to send them back to do what was required properly.

There is no need for a punishment for every tiny misdemeanor or every time a child forgets to do something! All that teaches is resentment and for the child to not do something because they are afraid of punishment not because it is the right thing to do!
She probably thinks she has cleaned her room and bathroom. Just let her do it to her standard. It's her room and the natural consequence of her not keeping it nice is that she has a messy room. Leave it at that
Forgetting to turn the light off is so natural at 11 too. A reminder every time she does it is enough. Don't you ever forget to turn a light off? I know I do.

No, I don't have kids. That should have no bearing on this because this is a stepparents sub I'm asking. Not a parenting sub.

The reason I'm asking is because I'm not trying to necessarily punish my SD. I'm just reflecting on how I was raised. Maybe my own parents were horrible but if I was asked to clean my room or do a chore and I didn't do it I would get in trouble. Yes, at SDs age. I might get TV taken away (or something like that, it was the 90s) if I had indicated I did something and it was determined I hadn't. That consequence would be on top of doing (or redoing) the thing I was supposed to have done.

The bathroom chore is light. She does not need to do a deep clean of the whole bathroom. It is mainly clean the countertop/sinks and windex the mirror, if it needs windexing. Pick the clothes off the floor and put them where they need to go. She knows how to do these things, she has been shown multiple times how to do them for the past 4-5 years. If she's told to go back and do it then she does do it and gets it done properly without help so it's not an issue of not knowing how or not knowing what she needs to be doing. But it is relatively constant that we ask her to do these things, she tells us she did, and yet they are not done.

Yes, I do understand kids forget things. Adults forget things. Of course I forget things too. But with her it is constant. Which is probably why I'm quick to assume she's lying vs. being forgetful.

When I got a consequence as a child, I learned. I don't want X to happen so I better do as I'm asked and not half-ass it, they'll know.

And I wasn't necessarily suggesting some harsh punishment, I think there can be a difference between consequence and punishment.

Anyway this isn't a hill I'm trying to die on, it was just something I was wondering on based on the way I was parented vs how I see DH doing it. I know I was forgetful as a kid and did a lot of dumb things as all kids do but just certain things like chores like this, by an age much younger than 11 I was getting them done without help because I knew what would happen if I didn't do them and I knew that claiming to do things I hadn't done wouldn't fly. SD knows that if she doesn't know how to do something all she needs to do is ask. She's actually very good at expressing herself in this way, which I commend because I was horrible at it when I was her age.

Also I would never give a consequence myself, that is all left up to DH. Mainly this is on him for not following up when SD says she did something.

She has consequences - she has to stop what she’s doing and go and do them, interrupting her fun time. What she doesn’t have are punishments, which pretty much all research seems to show doesn’t work but does breed resentment. (I don’t have research articles to hand, but my DD is PDA so have read extensively).

Tbh I’d buy timer sockets for her lights and set them for her usual bedtime and dawn. And just keep checking her work otherwise.

I think DH should clean her bathroom for her.

I never say this, but I think you should find a man with no kids.

i don’t think you like her very much and she deserves better.

Wow. To the people saying I don't like her, get a life and get out of a stepparenting sub, you obviously are not stepparents. I think I've explained myself clearly here. I would've never gotten with a man with kids if I didn't like them or her in particular. I was asking for some advice, based on the way my parents raised me, which was probably not the best way to do it either but I learned. SD has not gotten any consequences from me, ever. I'm not some evil stepmom but I am trying to help my DH out. She won't get a consequence from her lack of doing her chores.

You got your husband to take her lightbulb away??

What harm does forgetting to turn the lights out do? I regularly forgot to turn the downstairs lights out when I go to bed.

This. It’s your DH’s job to check and say thanks for doing it - let me come and see how it is for your reward…. Etc

Well your dh is her parent, and in your op you said you have suggested consequences etc and he has disagreed. As he is her parent it's not really up to you to tell him how to parent his own child. I think your example of you getting him to take out the lightbulbs and then putting them back in because she was upset comes across like you are trying to make him enforce punishments that he doesn't want to do. If my partner who is not my sons father even suggested doing that I'd be pissed off, I parent my child in the way I see fit and i would not appreciate suggestions like that at all!

This is the sort of thing that really needs to be agreed in advance with your dh. Regardless of step or biological children.

consequences for either of those seem harsh to me.