Step child doesn’t like staying here

[harleq]

DSS is 8 and I have been in his dad’s life for the past 4/5 years. We have a 2 yo together (DSS loves his sibling, so at least that is good!) but DSS doesn’t like being here and he makes it very clear. He constantly says how much he misses his mum (I know he’s young so it’s understandable) and I think his main issue is that his dad is stricter than his mum I.e. he doesn’t have unlimited screen time, we make time for his homework. We have done/do everything we can for him to have a nice time here. His bedroom was first to be decorated when we moved, he wanted to do after school and weekend sports club so we sorted it, got him equipment for the garden to practice. I’m not saying we have done anything more than deemed necessary as a parent I but I hate the fact he hates it here. He is here eow and a night in the week. Has anyone any experience with this, do I just need to be more thick skinned and not take it personally?

How do you and your DH react to him saying this? Does he get extra attention when he says it? If so you might actually be reinforcing the behaviour.

do I just need to be more thick skinned and not take it personally?
To a certain extent, yes. He's only 8 and bound to miss his mum.

Is there any scope that you could have him more often? I feel like 3 days out of 14 isn't really enough for him to feel settled at yours. Obviously I understand that it's not always possible to change access arrangements.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. We just try to shrug it off really and distract him, a bit like “oh I know; but you’re seeing her in X days and tomorrow we’re off to the park/see friends/swimming etc” so he knows he has something to look forward to.

We probably could, think his mum would be happy for him to come here more but DP gets a bit disheartened when he obviously doesn’t want to be here so doesn’t push it much further. We often have him extra days if mum is ill or has plans/holidays. I don’t think it helped but in the past she has used dropping him off to daddy’s as a punishment if he’d been playing up or naughty.

Can you let him video chat mum for a bit when he's missing her? It may make it worse depending on his personalty, but may help him not feel so separated from her if it does help.

I would also remember it's no reflection on his bond with you and dad.
I work 3 nightshifts a week, and my 8 year old misses me to the point of sometimes still crying despite being very close with dad. She also really misses dad when he's away with work so it's nothing to do with her not having a strong bond with him, it's just that some children are more sensitive and anxious about separation from parents.

Do you/his Dad acknowledge his feelings? The 'yes it is really hard when you miss someone special/there is no-one quite like Mummy but we are so pleased you are here and DSibling loves playing with you. We/Daddy/sibling really miss you when you are not here so we do understand how you feel. I do x when I feel like that - shall we try y and see if it helps'. Not saying you haven't tried that but it can be a bit counterintuitive when you are trying to distract them and it does seem to help.

As above, you could almost do with him there more. With that schedule he's never really getting chance to 'settle' I think you might find if he was there longer the first night might be tough but by the second or third he'd be a bit more settled

I hate the thought of the answer to this being more time at OPs house. If I wasn't enjoying something having to do it for longer would be really miserable.
Homesickness is so painful, especially so young.

"in the past she has used dropping him off to daddy’s as a punishment if he’d been playing up or naughty." This came out in therapy as a root cause of a problem for someone I know. What a dreadful thing to do.

Helpful.

its hard, it’s a really hard situation. You just need to keep making his time with you positive. Perhaps relax some of the stricter rules a little. Give him the opportunity to speak to him Mum if he wants, or just know that he can.

it will pass.

If it is possible with transport/distance/mums schedule, I would suggest having him during the days on the weekends then having him go back to his Mums to sleep that night. Just for a couple of months to ease the anxiety, so he can see coming round is a fun positive thing not something to worry about.

Have you asked him what the problem is? It just might be he prefers his mum. At the moment. He’s not seeing being with his dad as something he wants just right now. I assume he’s not going on holiday with you or doing anything very meaningful. I know people criticise dads for this, but I think his dad should do 1:1 time and take him somewhere special at least once a month. I see dads with DS at football for example. I see them together on bike rides and no step mum or half sibling there. It’s just 1:1.

Dad also needs to get parenting expectations and style in line with mum. Homework at 8 is a bit draconian. I never set a precise time for tables and reading - we just fitted it in. So maybe mum and dad should align how they parent so there aren’t differences?

No doubt screen time is the real issue. It always is. DN at this age was glued to a screen and refused to go out. His parents just let him do what he liked. If his mum is very lax, of course he won’t like your rules. He’s rather be at home on his screen but unfortunately your DP isn’t calling the shots here. Mum has from an early age and she’s probably used screen time as babysitting as his dad is not around much. There’s no answer to screen time. I think your DP should talk to his mum about what’s reasonable and do some more exciting things to divert him away from screens when he’s with you. However the opportunity to influence screen time has gone and DC do prefer to be where they get what they want.

I hate the thought of the answer to this being more time at OPs house. If I wasn't enjoying something having to do it for longer would be really miserable.

I understand what you're saying but I think that sometimes parenting is encouraging your children to do things that they don't want to do because it's in their best interests. We don't generally let 8 year olds dictate their own schedules for good reason!
I don't think an 8 year old can understand why spending time at his dad's is important and it might well be in his his best interests to spend more time there so he feels more settled.

I think some children just find it unsettling to have two homes. In all honesty, even though it might not seem fair, at 8 i would be led by him. If he doesn’t want to stay he doesn’t have to. As he has such a lovely bond with his step sibling, I wouldn’t be surprised if in time, he asks to stay himself.

@PrawnAgain Dad could take him out and deliver DS back to his own home. Why does any child have to be disrupted because dads moved out? It’s not kind to DS to force him out of his home. It’s what his parents want and maybe parents need to listen to DC and not tell them “it’s for your own good”. Keep communication open but let the child drive timings and frequency.

I see what you are all saying and I don't disagree. I think there needs to be a focus on keeping the relationship with boys dad strong. And let's not forget about the boys mum. I don't think the dad can unilaterally decide no more / fewer overnights without consulting her.

@PrawnAgain I guess they don’t have a court order so, by consultation, they can do what they want but this should not be at the expense of making the child unhappy. He can maintain good contact with dad in other ways, it doesn’t have to be overnights with his new family if this is the problem.

I was every other weekend and one night a week at my dads at 8 years old and didn't like it at all - nothing to do with screen time or rules. Just felt like a guest in their home - and not comfortable at all. Its hard to feel like it's your home for that relatively small amount of time and equally a lot of time for a child to be feeling uncomfortable. So really I don't know if more or less time is the answer - but it's not going to get much easier as the live in child gets older and the son sees those bonds grow and feels more and more like a visitor. Can the dad spend more one on one time with him and find some activities they have us 'theirs'?