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Step-parenting

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Stepchild horrible to my son

11 replies

TheDandyDreamer · 21/05/2025 12:19

Hi
So me and my partner have been together for 7 years in which his daughter has lived with us the whole time with biological mum not in contact. she is now 11. we have a son together who is 5. Just lately she has become really spiteful towards my son and is constantly doing and saying nasty things to him. It has really been stressing me out watching my son getting upset all the time and i cant help but start to feel resentment towards her. Her dad tells her off but it doesn't seem to change anything. i dont want to hate her but i cant help how i feel. i dont want to live with this stress everyday anymore and not sure how to deal with this. Any advise will be great.

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 21/05/2025 13:55

Are you sure it's not just ordinary sibling squabbles?

DD5 and SD15 fight like cat and dog over the most ridiculous things and to be honest it's usually DD5 who has the upper hand.

It's normal for a big sister to be a bit mean to their younger brother, it doesn't mean she doesn't love him.

anitarielleliphe · 21/05/2025 14:45

There may be some buried resentment that has to do with her biological mom being out of the picture and realizing your son does not have that problem. It also may be a bit of normal sibling rivalry. It also may be that you and your husband treat her or your son differently and she is picking up on an unintentional bias toward your son. It could be learned behavior from a classmate or friend who does the same. It could be a combo of all these things.

Ask yourself honestly whether the unintentional bias is a possibility? It can be something that parents do not see because they treat a child differently because they are younger, but the older child perceives this as favoritism.

Your partner "telling off" the child is NOT going to help. It will further exacerbate the problem, especially if she is acting consciously or subconsciously because she feels your son is favored.

Of course, a form of discipline should happen, but not one that puts her on the receiving end of nasty words or actions. Do you understand why? If you are wanting to curb her acting and doing "nasty" things to your son, and you discipline her with the same technique you are "modeling" that as appropriate behavior to deal with problems. You are doing the "do as I say, not do as I do" approach which is contradictory and confusing, especially to a child.

You must build empathy within her for her brother, but NOT by shaming her. By treating her with kindness and trying to figure out what is really going on to elicit this behavior.

If she sees you as her mother, and I'm guessing she does because you are the only mother she has known, then both you and your partner need to find a time where your son is not around (maybe at a friend's) and sit down and talk with her. Tell her how much your son looks up to her and loves her, and ask her why she has been treating him badly. Then, listen.

Listen to her reasons. They may make sense. They may not. If there is a kernel of truth, and your son has some things you can help coach him on, then make the promise that you will do that. He may inadvertently be pushing buttons. It certainly doesn't make her actions right, but it gives you context to understand where they are coming from.

If her reasons are just excuses but not real reasons, do NOT call her out on them, necessarily because that will just add to the issue of trying to shame her, but remind her that he is younger and still learning, and he needs a sibling that is patient and can help him.

This is the thing to remember. SHE IS ONLY 7. By contrast, she feels loads older and more mature than your son, but in reality she is very young and learning herself. Treat her with kindness. Do not let her get away with mistreating your son, but do not model bad behavior when you do it. Use natural consequences whenever possible, and pre-emptively warn "both" children. For example, if you anticipate there will be issues when you go to the park, warn both that if they cannot treat each other nicely, you will have to leave the park the first time a problem arises. This does lump them both together in experiencing the same consequences of one sibling's bad behavior, but if you do that a few times, they may learn that they have to pay consequences and will modify their behavior.

Edit: Forgot one of the most important things. CONSISTENCY. You must be consistent in your approach. You can't follow all of this advice, and then your partner still continues yelling at her. That undoes any positivity you will get from what I am recommending.

ClaredeBear · 21/05/2025 14:46

I was an absolute bitch to my younger sister until I moved out, if that helps. Three years between us.

Questioningconstantly · 21/05/2025 18:16

ClaredeBear · 21/05/2025 14:46

I was an absolute bitch to my younger sister until I moved out, if that helps. Three years between us.

My older brother and I have a big age gap, I remember as he got into teens he was like a different person. Felt like walking on eggshells, was vile. Flipped back to lovely once he moved out. Could be entering that difficult teen stage, step or bio siblings will make no difference. They become aggy with all relatives.

ButterCrackers · 21/05/2025 18:19

Tell her to behave properly. Her dad can tell her this too. If it continues remove her phone. She gets it back once she’s can follow the house rules.

Devilsmommy · 21/05/2025 18:23

@anitarielleliphe she's 11 not 7 though excellent advice

MyUmberSeal · 21/05/2025 18:25

Me and my siblings were vile to each other growing up.
We grew out of it.
Would you feel differently if the 11 year old was also yours biologically? I suspect you wouldn’t feel as resentful if she was also yours. That’s not me passing judgment, just a thought.

Tell her to pack it in like you would if it was your own child, and try not to let it simmer into something that could cause deeper problems.

carpool · 04/06/2025 14:40

Not step siblings but my DGS is nearly 5 and has an older sister. Since he started school last year he has become an expert at pressing her buttons and winding her up! Is there any chance this is what is happening here? Previously when he was younger he used to be content to just follow her around and do whatever she said but now he is getting a bit older the dynamics are changing and there are more disagreements.

anitarielleliphe · 04/06/2025 18:26

Devilsmommy · 21/05/2025 18:23

@anitarielleliphe she's 11 not 7 though excellent advice

I must have misread. My apologies.

MeridianB · 05/06/2025 11:52

I don't think it's acceptable for an 11yo to be (repeatedly) horrible to a 5yo. I'd have zero tolerance for this.

Is her dad doing enough? If not you need to act.

I'd encourage DH to have a serious chat with her and try to get to the bottom of the issue, pointing out that bullying a child more than half her age is unacceptable and will have consequences if it happens again. He needs to follow through on this.

Step up the 1:1 time she has with her dad.

If your DH is being Disney then I wouldn't hesitate to step in and tell her off and give consequences. Your son needs his home to be a safe place.

Morningsleepin · 05/06/2025 17:35

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