Step back or parent your step child - opinions

[Bamboozled108]

Hi all, I see so many debates on here and people advising step mums (more often step mums than step dads I think but may be wrong), to stop parenting their step children and let the biological parents do it.
But how has this worked out for people? Have the biological parents got better and step kids turned out OK? Or have step parents got fed up and ending up splitting up with parents? What's everyone's stories?

Also has anyone had counselling to discuss different parenting styles with step families and has that worked?
I could go into the context of asking this but I don't think there's any need to, I'm just genuinely interested to know how things have worked out for people to see how to navigate a blended family.
Thanks all.

I’m a subs bench step mum. Here to help at parents request, would step in to prevent immediate harm without question, sounding board for DH and general kindly presence, formerly the person who crashed around soft plays and helped in the production of craft creations (which I thoroughly enjoyed by the way).
I’ve been told on this board that my allegedly confused and befuddled DSD will end up in therapy because I’m not a fully fledged second mum to her. However, as I know my DH, my DSD, her actual mother and our collective history and relationships, and believe in my now teenage DSDs solid knowledge of who her mother is and isn’t, I am confident that our arrangement is right for our family.
If I went all in and treated her like my own in every way, our family would be a battleground and if possibly end up divorced.

I am the same @Aweecupofteaandabiscuit. I am here if needed but generally I don't do any parenting bar some laundry and the occasional meal. They have two perfectly well-functioning parents, they have no need for a third. My DH is more than capable of meeting their needs, and does.

Same here. I think we are all (including their mum) happier because I didn't try force myself into mothering role that they didn't want or need.

We have our own relationship which has grown naturally.

I totally stepped back when the little things I did brought fuss. Think ironing clothes told I did it wrong, every single pack lunch I did was wrong, everything all from bm which my dh had to fend off. To keep peace my dh started to say don’t get involved with that, don’t do this so I stepped away totally. Wouldn’t have her alone, make a lunch nothing. I only did it if it was something I was doing for all.

my dh became frazzled because she was an awful lazy teenager, lots of stressing when she was with us and I still didn’t get involved to protect my self and my mental health.
on the other hand my marriage flourished, we weren’t stressed together about her and I was overall much happier with very clear boundaries on my side and he felt I never over stepped.

What if the parents aren't totally functional?
So my SS mum is awfully lazy, she's had two failed relationships (after my Oh but they had SS when they were very young 18/20 and didn't stay together long), she has another daughter from another dad and she's constantly trying to get out of looking after her as she wants to go out all the time. She works minimum hours, credit card debt, on benefits (not dissing benefits just trying to paint a picture), she actively encouraged SS to skip school sometimes to spend time with her if she was feeling down. She would bribe him not to come to ours when it was our weekend or days of having him, although SS stopped coming when we had our two kids (4 and 2) after she got him a new PlayStation and he didn't want to cart it here and back, plus said the wifi was rubbish, plus said he didn't want to be around babies. But on occassion if SS mum needed a babysitter she would be telling other half we have to have him at the last minute. We did used to give into her as OH was desperate to see his son but it got too much at one point and I didn't want her thinking that was OK, so I made him put his foot down back then and he told her we aren't baby sitters and we need to stick to the agreed dates to have him.
She also never made SS lift a finger at home. (then would call OH saying how lazy he was).
My OH still made the effort to see him, take him out regularly, we took him away on holiday with us (before the kids and during, he said he won't come away with us and the kids or my family again cos he was bored, despite everyone making a massive effort with him). OH also took just him abroad over the other side of the world last year to see a family member.

He's now 17 and with us full time temporarily as his mums got herself evicted to try and get a 3 bed council home....
My other half didn't have the best upbringing with his parents and they never encouraged him to do well or get a better education or job and I've had to really teach him how to parent his son and our kids. But it was difficult when SS wasn't seeing him much.
So now he's here full time I have chore charts going, pocket money deducted if he doesn't do stuff, I'm dedicating two evenings a week to help apply for jobs, do his cv. But thats when he bothers to come and sit down with us to do that as he keeps giving excuses about doing it.
SS is at college but doesn't know what he wants to do next year but I've said if he doesn't get a job he will need to stay at college, and he's actually due a distinction in one of his A levels so hoping he sticks it out. My other half will do whatever I tell him to do in terms of parenting but it's very draining as I guess it's like parenting my other half to be a good parent! He's good with our little kids, and we split responsibilities mostly equally, but it's a completely different concept to parenting a teenager and sometimes OH thinks I'm Being too strict.
So I suggested no PlayStation until college work done or on the two days I'm helping apply for jobs no PlayStation or going to see friends until done. OH thinks he needs his free time.
But SS will suddenly say he's going out then comes back and asks for help with job applications at 10.30 at night and I am going to bed. OH isn't great with Job applications but should I step back and leave him to it?
I guess it can't be both ways, if my other half isn't very good at parenting then he either uses my assistance completely, or not at all but then I worry about SS future.
Also mentioned about the counselling as wondered if it's useful to chat about this stuff with a third party who's not related?
He wants to be a good dad and help SS but he just struggles with knowing how to do it

I have a stepsister by the way and my mum really had to push her to do better in life as my step dad struggled (again difficult upbringing and he didn't know how to encourage without being too harsh). My mum did so well with my stepsister, but my sister and I had already moved out by that point so she said "i already had my kids and this was like a third chance at bringing a very difficult teenager up so I sort of knew how to do things differently", but she's commented on the fact I haven't had the experience of bringing teenagers up so it's very challenging. I was a horrible teenager so I'm trying to find positive ways to encourage my SS but it's very hard trying to think of ways to get a teenager to do things.... as hard as but opposite ends of the scale of trying to get two young kids to eat vegetables, tidy up, not hit your sister etc etc! 🤣

My sd struggled. Was lazy to the point of not even washing. Her mum all but stepped back on most things once she went to high school and then was over controlling with other things it made no sense.
But honestly she wasn’t my daughter and not mine to parent especially when I was criticised from her Mum. Fine left them to it, she failed to launch totally, had no friends the last time we spoke to her and was the ‘weird’ kid at sixth form. No future plan and I don’t think she is doing anything a year later. To combat it my husband my husband went in hard with rules and expectations around school
work and personal hygiene and she met none of them.
Her mum hasn’t worked in 20+ years, is always tired, always passing responsibilities and never owning an issue or solving it - pass it to third party was all she ever did. I can’t and won’t fight that, it’s not my battle to fight. Sd is a carbon copy, always claiming she’s tired, never wanted to do anything, never took responsibility for a thing.
I tried everything in early teen years and was pushed back hard at all times so left it to her parents.
it hasn’t turned out well for any of them. I focused on my children ( now adults) and they have thrived and are set for a good future.
whether my influence would’ve made a difference who knows but they didn’t want it so I didn’t give it to protect my own peace

Oh sounds like hard work but I guess bringing up kids especially not your own is hard work.
My stepson says he respects me more than his mum because I'm more of a doer and he's generally ok at doing stuff on the chart list (although at the advice of my mum I've now stopped reminding him to do things and just tell him I've deducted money when he hasn't completed tasks). But when he said " I see you and dad as more of my friends than my mum is" I did tell SS that we aren't his friend and he should be showing respect by doing stuff we tell him to. Not thinking we are mates and he can do whatever he likes. I did tell my OH that he has to be careful how he treats him as I think SS sees him as a mate and not a parent. His mum very much treated him like a friend so it's a big change going from that to being with us and us actually parenting him. He will be going back to his mums in a few months time so probably all the hard work I've done will come undone anyway then!

What the hell!? Missing the point but... How is she going to get a 3 bed if her son doesn't live with her? Surely she's just put herself in temporary accommodation for years!?

In terms of your relationship with SS sounds like you're doing fine. He's almost an adult so a kind of auntie relationship sounds about right. If he's doing fine and everything's alright then just stick with what's working. No need to get hung up on the parent/friend thing if there are no actual issues.

I'm the step parent and also the default parent. His dad works long hours and his mum is only recently back in the picture.

I treat him as i would treat him if he was my own.

So fun update but SS mum was in what we thought was a 2 bed temporary accommodation (thought she got it pretty quick) and but she's just told SS that she didn't want to stay in the hostel any longer and couldn't afford a 3 bed place so just took herself off the council waiting list and got a private rented 2 bed flat. She said she will sleep in with her daughter and he can have her room when he moves back. She also said SS needs to come and stay now as she's claiming the UC for him and will get kicked out if they find out as she won't be able to afford the rent.
I think we should actually be claiming child benefit for SS as well seeing as he's been with us for months. But then if that's going to get her kicked out of her place I'd feel bad for that (not for her but for SS and the other child)
SS not happy as it won't really be his room and it's also thrown a bit of a spanner in the works. We are having to move an hour away in September and also downsizing to a 2.5 bed flat (massively discounted rent for a family members property) in order for our daughter to go to a really good school. Although SS has said he would prefer to stay at his grandparents whilst he's here as he will have his own room whilst he's at college.....and better Internet than anyone for his PlayStation.

I wouldn't advise treating a 17 year old like a much younger child with chore charts and pocket money deductions unless it's a chart where all the adults also have jobs and the tasks are 'real' and contribute to running the household, not made up ones.

Tying money to household tasks isn't great - it suggests if you don't want the money you can just not do the job, which doesn't work in reality.

Somebody taking A levels needs to be able to manage their own time - trying to regulate his game playing like a younger child will just lead to resentment. With the younger kids in the house it may not be quiet enough to concentrate on work until they're in bed. Consider body doubling with him - you do some paperwork or reading of your own in the same space as he does homework.

Some forms of natural consequences is a good plan - you can say no to helping with job apps at your bedtime and offer to do it at a more suitable time for you. If he misses a deadline that's on him.

There will be careers services available at college that might help him work out what he wants to do next eg. apply for uni / an apprenticeship or other job and they should also have advisers who can help with financial support - either immediate or fit if he picks uni.

I don't think there is a one size fits all, every child and situation is unique.

I am a stepped back step-mum, at first I tried to be motherly, not because I wanted to
replace mum but because honestly, I hadn't had much experience of stepfamilies and naively thought I was doing the right thing.

I think a good general rule is to be led by the child in terms of he much they want you to involved i.e be available, warm and approachable but don't try too hard. It's hard for children to get their head around a different person on the scene and they just need time to know that 1.nobody is taking anyone's place 2. They can define their relationship with the step parent- it might never get beyond distant or it might end up being a really warm and significant relationship in their life.

I have a good relationship with my stepdaughter now, I would say we are more like friends.

yes it's a chore chart where we all have things on there so who is cooking on what day, bins out, cleaning etc. Quote useful for getting OH in the habit of doing stuff without nagging as well!

SS does all his college work at college rather than home so he goes in early or stays there late to do it.
I don't want to stop his game playing but he's sometimes on it for 5 - 7 hours straight and I don't think that's good for anyone. I won't be letting our kids do that when they are older but I understand it's difficult to stop a teenager when he's formed certain habits and his parents are OK with it so I will have to leave that to his dad to manage.

I did say to SS there must be an advisor at college for help. We did help SS apply for a personal trainer apprenticeship as that what he wants to do (or the only thing he's slightly interested in) but they are very limited. He doesn't want to do any sort of engineer (doesn't want to get dirty at all) and doesn't want an office job.
I've told him to print his cv off and go round to all cafes shops and gyms and hand them out but he hasn't done so far and I can't force him to do that (aside from physically walking around with him) 🤷

So my step son is 18 and a lazy git! He moved here 2 years ago by his own choice. He Mum lives 5 hrs drive away. When he moved in we had to force him to have his shower etc. he’s got better at that now! We basically had some issues with him about 12 months ago now. He wasn’t doing his chores, washing, being rude. His dad struggles with discipline because he’s scared of loosing him again. I had had enough.

So I called a family meeting. I gave him a choice.

I could parent him with all the good and bad that goes with it. I could discipline him. I would also be supportive, buy his clothes, cook with him, buy his favourite treats etc etc.

Or

Not my kid not my problem. With everything.

Now in all fairness to him he picked option 1. So I read him the riot act and I continue to do so. I’m currently on him to do his job applications. Which I also spend hours doing it with him. It’s not all roses and sunshine. It’s still hard and awkward but he knows I love him and want the best for him. I know he loves and appreciates me (deep down 🤣🤦‍♀️)

works for us.

It soundslike the real issue is that your relationship can only function if you parent your husband and you're asking how your SS fits into this? Taking your SS out of the equation, this dymanic sets an appaling example for your children.

Hiya, I understand where you are coming from and as stated before my other half really didn't have a great upbringing himself from his parents, they were and still are useless.

So yes I've had to teach him how to be a better parent to his son and our kids and he's got a hell of a lot better. But then having a teenager in the family unit full time I've had to really educate him on how to deal with his son on a daily basis as they have different needs etc to small children. Plus obviously a teenager is on a different life path right now from the smaller kids.
If he can be a better parent to his teenage son now then he should have the skills to be able to help manage our two little ones when they are older without as much assistance from me. Fingers crossed.

I went on a Family Links parenting course when I got with my partner. Best thing I ever did, and it also helped when we went on to have children. I treated SC as my own in terms of caring for them, setting boundaries and household chores, eating meals together, discipline etc, in partnership with my DP. When it came to more serious “life” matters such as poor habits or school issues, DP took the lead. I was never a mother figure - SC has a mother, who has been in and out of their life over the years. When SC’s mum was present and engaged, we all worked together and had weekly discussions about SC and our approaches so nothing fell through cracks. SC is now an adult and we have a great relationship, particularly as DP and I have maintained a stable and consistent presence in their life. I suppose what I’m saying is that you need to be in partnership with your DP. Sounds like your DP might benefit from a parenting course.

I am also this kind of step parent. Would do anything for my SD. been with her dad since she was 6 months. Have treated her like my own. She moved in with us since she was 13 and is now 18 and heading to uni …. Couldn’t be more proud

Oh thank you, I didn't even know there were parenting courses but I will definitely look into it. I think my husband knows what is best for his son but struggles to actually set certain tasks etc maybe for fear his son may move out and not see him again for a long period of time. I have said though his son will respect him much more if he educated him and encourages him into doing something better with his life

I’ve been with my husband since his daughter was 4, she’s now 15. I don’t even call myself her stepmum.. She’d introduce me as her dad’s wife.
We have a good relationship, fun and friendly and I don’t do any parenting. She has a mum, who I really like and get on with and I’m aware when she’s with us she’s here to see her dad and not me.

I’ve been with OH since his son was 6 - he’s almost 14. I’ve made it clear from day 1 that I’m not here to be his mum, I’m just another person around him. He is with us for half the week and half the holidays. We take him away, we go out with him we do things with him, we involve my parents (who he calls his Grandparents and vice verses - they treat him like a Grandson) and I’m very much involved.
I tried to take a step back and not parent him especially when i first met him because i didn’t want to overstep but he wants me very much involved and always has done. I started going to school plays and sports days when he was 10 and his mum hated it but i didn’t want to offend him.
When he is with us i always make sure he messages his mum good night. If we’re away, i always make sure he face times her several times.
I understand that people may think I’m overstepping but it works for us and works in our household and he loves it, he just feels like he has an extended family. He knows that me and my family love him very much and the feeling is mutual but he also knows that whatever mum or dad say i will never go against because at the end of the day, they are his parents.

Hi OP - I work specifically with couples in stepfamilies and stepmums.
If you'd like to read more you can visit Couples Coaching for Stepfamilies | Stepmum Space

I hope I'm allowed to post this here - only doing so as you've specifically asked and I know how hard it is to find qualified practitioners who are experienced in stepfamily dynamics!

Best wishes