I've been a step mum for around 3 years. My DSS is 13 now and has always been with dad/my DH full time. We had a rocky start when I first moved in.. he seemed to see me as a threat and refused to give me and my husband space or privacy, and was incredibly demanding of our time and attention. We've always prioritised my DSS, even at the expense of our marriage and other children- he gets a lot of alone time with my husband (much more than I or our shared children), and in return he is generally polite, thoughtful, and helpful. I have no real qualms about this set up now (I think because I have my own children to occupy me) and feel we're in a good place as a family at the moment.
The issue I'm struggling with is knowing if and when it's my place to correct his behaviour/bad habits. My DSS is very messy. He doesn't clean the toilet after using it (has never scrubbed the inside if there are remnants of anything, I've seen urine on the toilet seat and the floor before), toothpaste on the mirror, the bathmat and floor soaking after a shower, he doesn't wipe down surfaces in the kitchen and leaves them with crumbs, or sticky or oily, he puts back empty food packets instead of throwing them away, doesn't bring down his dirty unless I ask him (more than once), but them complains when a garment he needs isn't clean for him when he needs it, he spits in the kitchen sink, picks his toe nails (I find these in the living room often), doesn't shower for days even after playing outside/doing sports unless we ask and mostly very reluctantly.
If he was my biological son, I'd feel more comfortable disciplining him about these things. While I've attempted to correct these behaviours, I don't think I've been very effective since he continues to do everything I've mentioned above. I'm just getting tired of repeating the same stuff, and living in an unclean home.
How have other step mums managed?