Is this hypocritical or AIBU

[nwsw]

DSC mum asked DH to have children so she can go away. Only in UK, for over a week and during term time. She has a few
holidays this year without her DC. No issues or passing judgment. The holidays are on time the kids should be with her, so DH and I flexible, change things to make it work. She takes kids away throughout year so no objections or judgement for her down time. Prefer to have the DSC as much as possible, they are easy going lovely humans.

However this particular request came with less than a weeks notice and we are planning to go away ourselves on the weekend, with our shared children. No problem DSC have their own rooms at our holiday place so absolutely fine to change plans and they come. Think two cars. We do this occasionally if the weather is nice, both with and without DSC.

However their Mum, has sent a fowl ranting message because DSD missing a party and a sports class she has just started attending (with no prior agreement on the weekly commitment) that we have just swallowed and made work... there was no mention of the party when asked if DH could have them. But yes new sports class obviously would be missed.

We haven't replied but the message is vile.. saying DH does not put kids needs before his own. Outing me as the one who makes him put them second. Have I missed something? AIBU for thinking she's out of order? Or are we in the wrong?

Oh she's out of order! Both for the late notice and also dictating what you have to do in your time with them.

Unfortunately in shared parenting situations one party is seen as the 'default' parent ie the other parent plans their life and just assumes that you will pick up the slack all the time and not let the kids down. You appear to be the default here.

Depending on the ages of the kids you can explain - factually - what's going on. You'd planned a weekend away not knowing at the time that the kids would be with you, hopefully next time their mum gives more notice etc.

And I think she's projecting in that rant.

Thank you for your reply.

It's just so stressful as when I read these messages for a moment I wonder if she has a point but she is way off.

I've told my husband not to show me any off her nonsense when she is on one. Ignorance is bliss.

Of her. 2am groups taking their toll.

I agree she is being incredibly unreasonable. I know this isn't the point of the thread but I'm always intrigued- are the sc ok with this level of flexibility? I do 50/50 with my ex and my kids would go nuts if we chopped and changed like this.

@Redcliffe1

Honestly she tells us constantly that we are not flexible. It's hard to do right sometimes.

No, I don't think the impact on SC is fair. I don't. I feel like the extended time away from either parent is hard on them. For me, I remember missing my mum the one and only time she went away to visit a sick relative, and I was older than my SC now.

I believe that it's ok for either parent to go away without children is fine, but it should be time they'd ordinarily be with the other parent and overlap should be kept to an absolute minimum. And quite frankly I don't think the SC should need to know too much about it. Especially if they are young.

But I can't control what their parents do. I can just open my home. I draw the line at being insulted or blamed.

I’d be saying no, she can take the kids with her the cf

@nwsw - You are ABSOLUTELY not being unreasonable!

You've included SC in your plans at short notice but you shouldn't need to cancel your plans, made on one of your wkends when you were expecting to be without SC.

BM probably has her own stuff going on... don't take the bait ;)

Is she likely to do the "Dad and nwsw say you can't go to the party/hobby" routine?

You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your SC ❤

If your DSC had told you about party and new sport you could have made a decision about what to do, they sound like they were quite happy to go away instead.

We teach people how to treat us.

She has no respect for herself or you.
Hence she bahaves this way and you allow it.
Start saying No cslmly to any favours.

She is like a toddler that needs consequences.

You need to find more respect for yourself.
Women who sign up for the skivvy aupair position of parents like this invariably have self esteem issues.

You deserve a lot better than this.
Time to find your steely backbone and start saying "No, that doesn't suit me".

@nwsw when you said

"Prefer to have the DSC as much as possible, they are easy going lovely humans"

I'm sure he does know but I hope your partner knows you feel like this. It's such a rare thing to read especially on this forum it stopped me a little bit.

It's all I've ever wanted to hear from my partner but sadly I don't think I'll ever get to that point so I just wanted to point out how meaningful that sort of comment can be

@BallerinaRadio that's really kind of you to say. It's not easy, it's not perfect but they are great fun.

@Clownsy thanks I mean I think a little extreme to question my self respect but I am open to opinions if I post in this way. I'd argue yes backbone required but I think only say no if you can't make it work. My issue isn't the doing it's the audacity of her remarking about the children's needs and putting them first when she is off on her jolly's... could easily delay it by a day or two if it's that important.
I think anymore vileness from her and it will need to be pointed out.

❤️

Was she drunk when she sent the message? I have recently been on the receiving end of a very nasty and totally out of character series of texts. This was the reason, or rather explanation a mutual friend told me some days later…

You are a very kind and accommodating SM and sometimes that kindness is clearly been completely taken for granted.

You need to value yourself and all you do more.
Tolerating vile messages is not valuing yourself.

Push back firmly, calmly and without drama.

You do this by not being so amiable and accommodating and use the would No until the penny drops that you do not have to be so affable.

I’d ignore the negative backbone point from the other poster - being nice to lovely kids who are the children of the man you love is a great thing not a weakness. Fighting unnecessary fights with his ex to prove you have a backbone at the expense of the kids isn’t strength, it’s weakness. At the same time absolutely don’t let his ex have any of your head space if you don’t need to - she can rant away but if you treat the kids the way you come across here they will learn to tune out anything she says to them.

Honestly, I'd be withdrawing the offer to have them unless I got a genuine apology. It's appalling behaviour.

I’m a DSM and even 10 years down the line (my now DH has been divorced over 14 years) the kids mum still sends vitriolic rants and abusive messages. She thinks she’s in charge / control & the most important parent.

This says more about her than you (you sound lovely BTW). Anger & vitriol is like dripping poison and expecting the other person to die.

My advice…. Let her be (in the words of Mel Robbins). Set firm boundaries and stick to them. She wants to rant & rave & be unreasonable? Let her do it. The only person if affects is her.

This does all get easier as the kids get older and see what’s going on and can make up their own minds. Hang in there.

if she is that concerned about things being missed on HER weekend then the cheeky cow can stay home and facilitate it can’t she!

Nope this is on her.
Your DH has to say." Happy to have them on your weekend but it means that our existing plans will still go ahead. If you wish to still have them on your weekend to accomodation your arrangements happy fot that to happen too.

Thank you all so much for the reassurance. It's good to know I'm not crackers

If they've been divorced 14 years then the kids are all over 14. Why hasn't he just blocked her? Why does he have any contact with her at all?

She's an idiot. She's decided to go away on her time with her kids and leave them with their dad, she's the one not fulfilling the arrangements she has made - the hypocrisy!!!!!!