Meeting SO daughter

GentleQuoter · 2025-05-09T19:57:39+00:00

So I've been in a relationship with my partner for a year. He has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. SO's ex-partner stated that she did not want me to meet their child until the child decided she wanted to meet me herself. Obviously this was difficult, as the child was 18 months old at the time. Recently SO's ex partner has entered a new relationship, and has introduced her new partner to daughter a few months into the relationship. I do understand this, as my partner's daughter lives primarily with her mother, so it's understandable that she would need to meet the new partner for them to be able to progress their relationship. My partner and I are now buying a house together, so ex-partner has now accepted that I will be meeting daughter. I'm normally good with children, but I've now got to the point where I'm so excited to meet her, I'm now so nervous about it. Does anyone have any suggestions about how we should go about the first meeting? I'm thinking the zoo might be a good option, as it's something she loves so she won't be too focused on the new stranger she's meeting. I just want her to feel as comfortable as possible. Of course I will follow my partners lead, but he's also not sure how to go about this.

Simplynotsimple · 09/05/2025 21:03

Do you and your partner not currently live together? Whilst after a year a slow introduction to meeting his daughter is not unreasonable, your relationship with a man who mustn’t have long split with his ex who he had a baby with is now swiftly moving on to buying a house together? I appreciate that’s not what the main crux of your thread is about but it’s relevant in a roundabout way. Taking a 2 year old to the zoo is not the same as having a toddler in your home every few days/weekend, is this something you’ve taken perspective on?

TheSilentSister · 09/05/2025 21:05

Aww, bless you. Yes, a Zoo or Theme Park etc would be great as the focus isn't on you or her.
Be careful that the ex isn't too controlling going forward.

Secretsquirels · 09/05/2025 21:32

I’d go for the first meet up somewhere more low-key than the zoo. Maybe a park near them or something? Not in her space.

littledutch · 09/05/2025 21:34

If you do choose a zoo I would get your partner to take her and just meet them for a couple of hours. Taking a small child to the zoo for the day can be very stressful even for adults, it’s a long day for them. You being there all day could be overwhelming.

I think a park is probably a better option?

Edenmum2 · 09/05/2025 21:59

i have a 3 year old obviously all kids are different but as long as you are willing to play with mine she will absolutely love you! Ask her about her toys, if she’s warming to you then suggest hide and seek (my DD’s favourite!) etc…. I would say better to keep it a bit low key and prob best to keep affection towards her Dad to a minimum until trust is built.

what does Dad think the best option for a meet up is? Like I say my DD is always so keen to show people her toys and around the house - but I get all kids are different, he knows her best so I would follow his lead on where to do it.

Original poster

GentleQuoter · 10/05/2025 00:20

Sorry should've explained, yes we do live together. He moved into my house around 6 months ago. Due to the complex situation with ex-partner, all/overnight stays have been at my parnters parents house, and over night stays will stay this way for a while.

Just focusing on initial meeting at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

GentleQuoter · 10/05/2025 00:22

Simplynotsimple · 09/05/2025 21:03

Do you and your partner not currently live together? Whilst after a year a slow introduction to meeting his daughter is not unreasonable, your relationship with a man who mustn’t have long split with his ex who he had a baby with is now swiftly moving on to buying a house together? I appreciate that’s not what the main crux of your thread is about but it’s relevant in a roundabout way. Taking a 2 year old to the zoo is not the same as having a toddler in your home every few days/weekend, is this something you’ve taken perspective on?

Sorry should've explained, yes we do live together. He moved into my house around 6 months ago. Due to the complex situation with ex-partner, all/overnight stays have been at my parnters parents house, and over night stays will stay this way for a while.

Just focusing on initial meeting at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

GentleQuoter · 10/05/2025 00:27

TheSilentSister · 09/05/2025 21:05

Aww, bless you. Yes, a Zoo or Theme Park etc would be great as the focus isn't on you or her.
Be careful that the ex isn't too controlling going forward.

Thank you. Yes, this is something I'm very aware of but trying to be respectful. The controlling behaviour was the reason the relationship ended between my partner and his ex. It's the reason my SO hasn't pushed for me to meet DD, as neither of us want to exacerbate mums behaviour to the detriment of DD.

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DysmalRadius · 10/05/2025 00:27

Wouldn't her dad be best placed to decide how the initial meeting takes place? Has he asked you to pick because I'd be wary of a man that's already leaving the planning to someone who hasn't met her!

Either way, I'd recommend something less full on than a zoo - that's an all day outing usually, whereas I'd have thought an hour or so in familiar territory for his daughter (local park or similar) would be better for a first meeting.

Original poster

GentleQuoter · 10/05/2025 00:45

DysmalRadius · 10/05/2025 00:27

Wouldn't her dad be best placed to decide how the initial meeting takes place? Has he asked you to pick because I'd be wary of a man that's already leaving the planning to someone who hasn't met her!

Either way, I'd recommend something less full on than a zoo - that's an all day outing usually, whereas I'd have thought an hour or so in familiar territory for his daughter (local park or similar) would be better for a first meeting.

Absolutely agree dad is best placed to decide, and this was his suggestion too. They have a zoo membership so go every couple of weeks, rather than making it a full day out, but appreciate what you're saying about making it somewhere more familiar/ safer feeling.
Honestly I think I'm just wanting to be somewhere where she won't focus on me because I'm so worried about how ex-pertner will react when daughter goes home and talks about me. They have no set custody arrangement at the moment, so unfortunately anything which upsets ex-partner results in reduced days/ overnight stays, and of course I don't want to be responsible for that.

OP posts:

Lifeissodifficult · 10/05/2025 00:56

Stepmum here. This relationship with the child will be unlike any other relationship you have encountered.

Go much more low key and much more everyday home life.
My only other tip is to be very realistic- this set up is likely to bring you years of stress . Its not going to be day trips and treats - be careful with how much you invest in wanting to be a great step mum. There are so many other external dynamics that will influence your relationship with her , dynamics that you just won’t have any control over .

fatgirlswims · 10/05/2025 01:55

I would keep to it to one hour at a soft play or park or coffee shop.

Zoo is too much

Stinkbomb · 10/05/2025 02:58

Lifeissodifficult · 10/05/2025 00:56

Stepmum here. This relationship with the child will be unlike any other relationship you have encountered.

Go much more low key and much more everyday home life.
My only other tip is to be very realistic- this set up is likely to bring you years of stress . Its not going to be day trips and treats - be careful with how much you invest in wanting to be a great step mum. There are so many other external dynamics that will influence your relationship with her , dynamics that you just won’t have any control over .

As a child with a step mum, I guess she went by this. Her & my DF didn’t tell me they were going to be married even though I’d been with them the day before. My DSM seemed to be lovely with me until she had her own children and then I was completely sidelined.

MiddleAgedDread · 15/05/2025 10:00

If they have a zoo membership and are used to going then it will seem less odd to her and I think it's fine if you're just planning a short visit. Having something to do and look at gives you things to talk about and make it less awkward too.

Thatsenoughadulting · 16/05/2025 19:17

The fact that his ex is telling him if, when and where he sees his child and who he's allowed to have around her is a red flag. The fact he's just going along with what she says is also a red flag. Be very wary of man still under his ex's thumb. He's her dad and he has as much right as the ex does to make decisions about his daughter. Does he have a court order in place? Has she ever stopped him having access because if so I'd look at getting one in place.

I would make sure he's capable and willing to stand up to his ex and stand up for his rights before buying a house with him. If you're planning on having your own kids with him I'd also hold off on buying a house until you have witnessed his parenting style and are sure this is someone you want to have kids with. Even if you're not planning on having kids with him my advice still stands. There is an abundance of posts on here of stepmums tearing their hair out because they're stuck living with a Disney dad and his "little angel" who can do wrong.