Preteen stepdaughter

[friendsonly]

Preteen DSD lives with DP full time. She still has a relationship with her mum it’s just very limited so leave it to her mum isn’t an option. DP and I have been together 5 years.

She’s obviously about to go through puberty, is becoming more emotional and self conscious etc DP is very involved and a good father, had all the important conversations with her previously and had made sure she has access to all the things she needs.

However I’ve recently noticed her wanting extra attention from me, asking to come everywhere with me and sit next to me. Whenever I’m doing anything she comes in and just stares, hovers and fiddles with things. All suggesting that she wants to talk to me about something but she never actually says it, like she’s expecting me to lead but I don’t know what with. I’ve obviously tried asking her what’s wrong and if she wants to talk to me but she just kind of gets embarrassed or annoyed and sulks off like I said the wrong thing.

I obviously don’t want to be unkind to her, I’m happy to talk with her but finding it suffocating and honestly a bit annoying. What am I supposed to say/do?

Just ask her a normal question? Like how was your day or how's your friend X doing?

Just talk to her about other things: her day, her friends, if anything funny has happened at school, her fave tv programme. Just chat and if she has anything to say/ask, it will eventually come out.

At that sort of age DH bought all DSD's toiletries in Sainsbury's along with his own. She had shampoo, shower gel etc but she didn't have "nice" shampoo or shower gel.

She was also really conscious about her friends' Mums eg showing them how to do make-up or painting their nails for holidays, and she couldn't ask her Mum even when she did see her. DH is a very hands on Dad, himself and DSD are tight, but he's worse than useless at "girlie" stuff.

Would you consider bringing her to a big Boots or The Body Shop to eg look for shower gel for her? If she wants to get nail polish or a lip gloss that's age appropriate (but which a perfectly competent Dad might not have considered) she can then ask you?

DH was fine buying her Always, filling her hot water bottles etc but he'd have run a mile from the idea his daughter might have wanted a mango or rose scented body wash instead of the plain Dove or Nivea one he got from Sainsbury's.

DSD now would happily ask me to paint her nails or help with her hair as she's about to dash off to a party, but when she was younger she was way more conscious of the absence of "her Mum". Instead of viewing it as "I need an older woman to help with X" her brain always completed the sentence with "that my Mum should be helping me with".

If your happy to then I would suggest a girls day. Shopping lunch whatever she would enjoy.
My teens talked most while driving. Something about not being face to face was easier to open up it seemed.
Treat her to nice toiletries if she likes that sort of thing or basic make up.
Maybe she needs to try a bra and would prefer a woman to help rather than dad.

It's easier to talk about tricky topics with teens while doing something else, maybe like walking, driving etc..Ask some normal conversational questions. She might just want to spend time with you?

I agree with all of the above. If you all live together, she maybe sort of views you as a mum figure. Does she need/want to wear a bra, is she still wearing kids underwear. Shopping trip is a great idea. Young girls love shops like lush, bath bombs. Next time she's hovering, ask het to come and sit with you. Make a cuppa, just sit, put telly on, you may be uncomfortable to start with but it does get easier and she will start to open up. Maybe she wonders where she fits in with you and her dad now. Very difficult age for you all.

I obviously don’t want to be unkind to her, I’m happy to talk with her but finding it suffocating and honestly a bit annoying. What am I supposed to say/do?

My suggestion would be that you lean-in to her. As the grown-up in this situation, and with you being female, she is clearly looking for a bit of mentoring. Youngsters can be really annoying, but on the upside she obviously thinks well of you if she is seeking you out to spend time with.

Agree with other posters regarding chatting about any old shite rather than asking questions. She'd probably really enjoy it if you asked her if she wants to have a poke around Superdrug with you because you need a new mascara or whatever.

View yourself as the well-cool auntie who is fun to hang out with.

I do talk to her about normal stuff and things with her, like I always have.
It’s just she suddenly wants more but is being awkward about it, I’ve tried telling her she can talk to me and then dropping it and doing normal things hoping she will open up but she just doesn’t.
At the moment it’s full on, wherever I’m doing anything, getting dressed, reading, washing up etc she’ll just position her self near me and hover. I know it will make her feel worse but I’m on the verge of just telling her to say what she wants or go away.

I grew up with a similar family dynamic. I think 1:1 time with DSD is important to help strengthen your relationship with her. My dad was also very supportive about bras, periods and all things puberty but my stepmum helped me go bra shopping, skincare shopping, make up shopping and pick nice body lotions etc as well as when I did start my periods finding which products and underwear worked best for me.

One other question. Does her Mum play up and is she currently doing so? DSD used to be way more velcro like if her Mum was making mischief, and to me more than her Dad.

I think it was that if she got a message saying something along the lines of "You're a horrible, selfish child, you and your rotten Dad deserve each other" her brain would think "BTTH doesn't think Dad is rotten, maybe if she doesn't think I'm horrible the issue really is with Mum, not with me and Dad".

She still does this eg if she's super helpful around the kitchen doing extra chores without being asked, you know her mother is up to something, but she's 18 now so she's better able to process it/ can talk to her friends about it.

Tbh - the hovering might just be needing proximity. My DD does this. She doesn't actually want anything but just follows me around 😄 I think it's a not uncommon teen thing.

Hi OP, while this may be an age thing it may also just be because she feels a bit sad about the lacking relationship she has with her mum. It must be really tough for her and she may be feeling some rejection and so trying to spend more time with you as a way of trying to strengthen your bond. I know it must be tough to fit everything in and while you're not her parent, if you can spare a decent amount of time with her eg. Suggest a cinema trip for you both, lunch together, etc that may help her to feel more settled. It's sad that her mum can't/ won't do this but no one can change that. Time spent together (at your instigation) now may help to reassure her that you really care about her and won't abandon her. In a few years she will be wanting to spend more time with friends I suspect.

Have you talked to her about puberty? Buying a bra, changes in her body etc? Does she have questions but is to embarrassed to ask

To me it sounds like she wants some attention and/or is bored rather than she has something specific she wants to talk about.

If you think she has questions about things that she's embarrassed to ask about, you could always buy her one of those 'growing up' type books to look over herself and let her know you are open to answering any questions? The other thing is to generally talk about things openly so it's not taboo.

I was just about to say "side by side" talking.... or activity talking.

Does she like ping pong, or craft, or painting.... teens always open up more when their words aren't the focus of the situation.

Do you have any shared hobbies?... if she's missing out on that bond with her mum she may be searching for it from you.

My daughter does this all the time and has for a few years! The boys never used to. I really wouldn’t push her away. It’s an intense part of development but she’s not going to be doing it for forever. The only time I tell my daughter I need to concentrate and can’t if I chat to her (because I enjoy it so much) is when I’m late to go out the door. As someone who grew up with no one to do this with, I know the life long complications being emotionally alone in childhood and adolescence brings to your esteem, well-being and mental health.

Our teenage boys always come and chat to us just as we’ve mentally signed off to watch a film or go to bed. My DH is desperate to tell them to piss off as he’s overworked and underslept at the moment but I nudge him to button it and listen. If you listen to the little boring things, then they’ll tell you the big important things is something I read once. I stick to that approach.