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Step-parenting

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SS's GF is incredibly unfriendly

5 replies

JustKeepSwimming64 · 19/04/2025 17:15

My SS, late 20s, has a GF in her early 30s. SS was estranged/alienated from my DH, they have been getting reconnected for a year, and it's slow, but going quite well all things considered. However, I don't know if this GF hates DH (and me by proxy) given what she would have been told 4 years ago from a very negative POV... or is socially phobic or highly anxious... but this year over may 5-6 get togethers, she makes virtually no eye contact, gives one word answers to all questions, and her overall vibe is the most unfriendly I have ever experienced. SS chats away, and we try to make the best of it, but it is so very awkward. Then last night she was snippy when I was speaking from an assumption that they had moved in together (based on seeing "their" place, the room she would do her crafts in, the stuff "we" bought, how excited she was about the bath tub, how they'd looked for a place to move in together for years, etc etc last fall), and she said "I have never lived with SS, and I have mentioned this several times" in a snippy tone. I apologized, got no reply and spent the rest of the time in WTAF mode... DH later confirmed that we had every indication they lived together. Now maybe they are in conflict, had just had a fight, who knows, but honestly, with 3 kids of my own, I have met many boyfriends and girlfriends and chums in this age group, and her frosty detached bordering on hostile demeanour is baffling. I want to support my DH, but I hope they just hang out sometimes and I have to deal with this GF on occasion as it is so very painful. Maybe eventually DH can ask SS if there is anything to do to make her more comfortable. When she was in the washroom, I whispered to SS that I was clearly mixed up and had offended GF, and he said thanks, she just spends a lot of time at his place, and she is just tired. Hmmmmm to be that rude and unfriendly in your early 30s because you are "tired"???? Open to advice and commiseration.

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 19/04/2025 17:23

Tell him not to bring her around until she can be polite and civil. Don’t be treated like a doormat in your own home.

hotandpermi · 19/04/2025 18:49

Being openly hostile to people who’s home your in as a guest is a choice. The stop inviting the moody gf over to the house. Period.

I would knock the navel gazing on the head too about focusing on what you have done wrong or what she thinks about you because if she wanted to find out the other side of things she could have.

I would explain to your DH that his sons always welcome but his moody partner is no longer invited. If your DH is worried about ruining his relationship with his adult son then I would suggest he meets the pair of them elsewhere. Otherwise your ss, your DH are complicit in dss gfs treatment of you and your home. That’s a bigger issue tbh

Basically if you’re a rude asshole - actions have consequences.

CinnamonBuns67 · 19/04/2025 21:59

Has the record been put straight with her? I.e. Does she know the horrible things said before is untrue and was down to SS's mum alienating him? It can be so hard to be sociable with someone you've heard so many awful things about. She's in wrong for being rude absolutely but some people get stuck in a rut about these things. I'd ask your husband to ask his son if she knows things said in the past was untrue, if she doesn't know then ask for the facts to be corrected to her and hopefully she'll come round. If she does know the actual facts and she's still like that then I'd say he's welcome to visit but she's not. It's not acceptable for her to treat you guys this way. I'm glad your SS found his way back to his Dad, we have been alienated from my SD and hope one day she will find her way back to us too.

JustKeepSwimming64 · 20/04/2025 19:30

thanks for input. given how recent and potentially fragile my DHs relationship is with his son, after 15 years of estrangement, we can't make too hard a line right now. DH is going to ask SS about what was going on with her... and many many reasons we had to believe they had moved in together... and why was she so unhappy and unfriendly (as she was on visit one a year ago, but there had been some improvement... slight... over subsequent get togethers). @CinnamonBuns67 Re does the GF know that SS had a ton of misinformation and was alienated from his dad... I am not sure. She knows that SS is open and willing to see his dad... father's day, birthdays, etc. on his own volition. I do not know her relationship with SSs mother, who took my DH to court 10x over the years, false allegations which were dismissed... maybe she got a bit close to the mum over the past 4 years of her relationship with SS, and has some hostility towards DH accordingly? I wish DH would be more inquiring, but he is tentative to ask about the mum as he doesn't want to have his son in a push/pull.

so we shall see in May, around SSs birthday when he and DH will do something alone, and DH asks WTF (without the F lol)

@CinnamonBuns67 I hope the estrangement in your family is not forever... we thought this was given 15 years... but DHs dads funeral seemed to bring SS back into the family (his mom alienated him from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins on my DH side... hateful).

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 21/04/2025 14:25

She’s very likely been sold a story and probably a horrible one about your dh and yourself.

His son reconnecting is great but he loves his dad because his, his dad where as the gf just has the horrible stories and hopefully it’s coming from a nice place deep down that she just doesn’t want him hurt.

Good luck next month when dh speaks to him.

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