Do I speak up?

[blackbingirl]

Please excuse the vagueness of this post - just trying not to cause huge ripples. I have been with my bf for 18 months and, after a mutually agreed slow introduce, I am beginning to spend more time with his children. It is becoming increasingly obvious that he favouritises one child over another, being much stricter with the eldest, punishing them for behaviour that he readily accepts from the younger. This sits really uncomfortably with me and I find myself giving the positive attention and reinforcement to this child that he doesn’t. I am a mum myself and, with my children being slightly older, I am perhaps more aware of the impact this will have later in life in terms of resentment and, more importantly, self-confidence. I feel I need to broach this with him but have no idea how or whether I have the ‘right’. Has anyone dealt with anything similar? This is unchartered territory for me, so all advice will be gratefully received.

I’ll be honest @blackbingirl , I’d probably think long and hard about continuing with this relationship. Poor parenting in a partner is something that causes huge difficulties. I speak from experience

You could wait for a clear example and then ask him why he does it, or you could openly praise the behaviour of the child he neglects.

I'd probably try the praise first and see if it prompts a conversation, but I couldn't put up with it for long. I don't like that sort of thing.

Think this is bang on! My ex was the same and I warned him I was the oldest and I got pulled up on everything whilst my brother got away with the shit I didn’t. It hurts. He ignored me obviously. I treated them both the same if it was ok for one it was ok for both and if it wasn’t ok for one it wasn’t ok for both. My ex hid behind his youngest being more sensitive so didn’t like to tell him off 🤣 our idea of parenting didn’t align and it never improved just caused constant fights. What was interesting was I asked if mum shouts, the eldest who gets corrected for everything said yea all the time the youngest said no never. So youngest was babied by BOTH parents. I dread to think the delight he will turn into having being allowed to do what he wants when he wants

That would be a red flag for me because he is either seriously lacking in self-reflection to do this to his children, and/or else he is comfortable with inequality between people who should be treated wth fairness. Both of these qualities are pretty undesirable in a partner. Though there could be another explanation I'm missing...

Yes I have experienced the same with 2 step daughters, youngest one always got to sit in front of car, pictures of her on screen saver and bank card, always talking about her when she was a baby and how cute she was , all of this in front of other child. I try to name her achievements and always over compensate with her. Thing older child is much nicer and more independent. Personally if I were her I would go nc with her father but she doesn't seem to notice the difference and has never mentioned it.

It has shaken my view of the relationship to be honest, which is really sad as up until now it has been great. In some ways we have similar parenting styles (I am definitely the stricter one when compared to my ExH) but it is the injustice and seeming unawareness of the different way he reacts to each child that I’m struggling with.

I don’t like it either. I try as much as possible to point out the many lovely qualities the eldest has and make a point of giving them more one on one time, but I’ve reached the point where the subtle approach doesn’t feel like it’s enough

I would broach the subject in private, at the right time.
You have nothing to lose, as you are rethinking the whole relationship,.
If he takes your comment in good grace, that is a win for you all.
I would also voice approval to the older child when they deserve it.

When you speak with boyfriend in private, he might explain that there is a logical reason, even historical, as to why he favours one. Hopefully he will appreciate your input and recognise the inequality. He might relish some suggestions fromyou.

That breaks my heart. It’s not quite as blatant as that and bizarrely I do think he loves them equally, it’s just he feels he needs to be tougher on the eldest for some reason. There is zero need though - both children are lovely. Have you ever raised it with your partner?

All good points - thank you. In general he is an honest person with a good moral compass so I am swaying more towards the believe that his behaviour has become so ingrained that he doesn’t even realise he is doing it. As the ‘outsider’ however, I can see the damage this is doing and will continue to do. My own moral compass tells me I need to pull him up on it and despite the consequences at least I will know I’ve done the right thing.

Absolutely agree with everything you’ve said. The only thing I can think of is that he has mentioned he struggled to adjust to parenthood but don’t we all? I do have the eldest’s back when we are together but somehow that doesn’t feel enough. How he’ll react to my advice remains to be seen. I’ve tried to put myself in his shoes and know initially I would be defensive (nobody likes to have their parenting criticised) but then hopefully he’ll be able to see where I’m coming from. I find it hard to believe that other family members have not noticed so maybe it won’t be the first time it’s been mentioned…

Context is so important isn't it? I'd do the same in your shoes, could not stand by and say nothing. If you bring a bit of care with how you raise it then how he reacts/responds will give you a lot of really valuable information about him. Good luck!

I think you should speak up for the mistreated child, and then leave the man. You can't begin to imagine how powerful it is for children to have an adult on their team when they are being mistreated. If the child knows you see the injustice, it will be so good for them.

Speak to him in private when none of the children are around and you can be uninterrupted. Have concrete examples ready . If he’s willing to acknowledge it and take steps to change, there might be a chance to salvage the relationship (with both of you). If not, then you end it.

Yes absolutely. His reaction will be the deal breaker really. If he’s prepared to listen and take my points on board then that’s a positive and we’ll see if anything changes. The opposite reaction will be a reflection of not just his relationship with his child but also sadly our own.

I definitely will. It’s not in me as a decent human or mother to let it slide. I guess the dilemma is who will have their back if I’m not around to be that support by walking away. It’s so hard.

Thank you. A list of concrete examples is a great idea. I struggle to express myself at the best of times but doing this will definitely help.

I get this. But they’re not your responsibility.

Don’t take on responsibilities which are not yours. You have enough to be responsible for

I understand, completely. I'm in a very similar position (with relatives, in my case) and it is genuinely hard to find the balance between being a fair advocate and also accepting your own limitations.

As for what a pp has said regarding discerning your level of responsibility, in cases of children mistreatment I don't believe we ever stop being responsible, once we've witnessed the situation: it's more a matter of effectiveness and strategy to optimize your intervention given your position/role in the relationship, if you see what I mean.
Solidarity 💐