Jealous of DSDs mum

mrssunshinexxx · 14/04/2025 03:10

I think anyone would feel the same. Chances are she will swan back off but the poor girl will be messed up from this already

SordidSplendour · 14/04/2025 03:13

Completely understandable!!
Children are so fickle and they, thankfully, don't see the bigger picture.
She will when she's older and she will be so so thankful she had you.

autisticbookworm · 14/04/2025 04:50

You are the constant in her life and she will recognise that when’s she older. But a relationship with her mum is Also important, it’s part of who she is and rejection from a parent massively affects children even if they have other care givers. Continue to love and support her, never slate her mum and be supportive of their relationship even if it hurts.

my dh and I had a similar experience with my dds. Their dad was useless but we supported their relationship with him as best we could. Now they are adults we are very close to both dds and they (by choice) see their dad a few times a year.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 14/04/2025 06:57

Hello OP, It's very understandable that you feel this way but as others have said it's important for your SD to have the opportunity to have a relationship with her Mum. Can your partner talk to your SD's Mum about this and get an understanding of where she wants the contact to get to?

Ultimately as others have said SD will be very grateful she has you.

Good luck x

Original poster

isitokayif · 14/04/2025 16:05

thankyou for the kind replies. I was expecting to be flamed, these are thoughts I can’t share to in real life.
Her communication with DH is very poor, at the moment she seems happy with not having DSD round hers and so no overnights but anxious to see how fast things are progressing.

OP posts:

ParsnipPuree · 14/04/2025 17:53

I don’t think anyone in RL would blame you in the slightest for sharing your thoughts.. it’s a little bit like when mine were little and they idolised their dad who barely ever saw them and had no interest in them. Your sd is very lucky to have you, and she will absolutely realise that when she’s older.

Original poster

isitokayif · 14/04/2025 18:24

ParsnipPuree · 14/04/2025 17:53

I don’t think anyone in RL would blame you in the slightest for sharing your thoughts.. it’s a little bit like when mine were little and they idolised their dad who barely ever saw them and had no interest in them. Your sd is very lucky to have you, and she will absolutely realise that when she’s older.

I have several friends whose children have step mums and who don’t seem to see how different our situations are as they have always been present and involved mothers.

When Ive spoke about my experience being a step mum and say things like I love her or include her in the number of dc I have to an stranger, they just imagine their kids step mum saying the same. and get upset.

OP posts:

NerdyBird · 14/04/2025 18:57

My DH had residency of his children and they saw their mum EOW. Not quite the same as your situation, but does mean I’ve had more of a parental role. They used to think their mum was the best mum ever, but as they’ve grown up they can see she is not. They still love her of course, but are realistic about her now.

TammyJones · 14/04/2025 19:29

isitokayif · 14/04/2025 18:24

I have several friends whose children have step mums and who don’t seem to see how different our situations are as they have always been present and involved mothers.

When Ive spoke about my experience being a step mum and say things like I love her or include her in the number of dc I have to an stranger, they just imagine their kids step mum saying the same. and get upset.

Show quote history

I have ‘four’ children, but didn’t give birth to them all.
i love them all
They are amazing

SandyY2K · 14/04/2025 23:26

Her mental health must have been really bad, or she just not a good person, as most mums don't just up and leave their kids.

She was probably quite unstable. It's good for SD to get to know her mum and I couldn't be jealous of a mother who did what she did.

Pickledpoppetpickle · 15/04/2025 10:20

It couldn’t possibly be that she’s turned her life around and is now in a place to be a mum to her child? Surely that can only be a good thing? She may break her daughter’s heart in the end, no way of knowing but a sure fire way of pushing her towards mum is trying to keep her away from mum. Keep neutral, be positive and continue to be there. She can love and need you both in her life.

QuickPeachPoet · 15/04/2025 10:22

You sound like a lovely step mum. Just be there to pick up the pieces when this poor little girl realises that it’s not all roses and butterflies and ‘mummy’ isn’t actually that bothered about her.

AgnesXNitt · 15/04/2025 20:42

No judgement for your feelings (everyone is entitled to their feelings!) but as someone who is in the same situation but with grown DSC now, the absolute best outcome for the child you love is to have all her parents stable, active and to be confident in their role. To this day I actively encourage my boys' Mum to be involved, I invite her to family events and treat her other children like my nieces and nephews. She still has a tendency to be unreliable and will never be their first phonecall in any situation but it works reasonably well for us. I have brilliant adult children who I am very proud of.

Stepmum2111 · 03/06/2025 23:50

You sound lovely. My DSDs live with their mum most of the time. Before we were every other weekend but now it is every weekend as she has a baby. They also get sent to grandparents for most of the week. They love their mum but have made it clear they aren’t happy there but nothing we can do until they are 12.

Purplerubberducky · 14/10/2025 00:10

isitokayif · 13/04/2025 22:36

I know that sounds horrible and selfish. And maybe jealous isn’t the right word.

She left when DSD was a baby and moved abroad a year later. Claimed she couldn’t look after her because of her mental health and only visited once or twice a year.

She moved back and had another child a couple of years ago who lives with her full time. Contact barely increased for DSD. Since Christmas though it has increased and she’s seeing her mum for a couple of hours eow.

I treat DSD the same as my dc, she’s a lovely girl and I love her so much.

DSD is obviously excited about getting to know her mum but I just can’t be happy for her and am secretly hoping mum gets bored and backs off. I’m angry about how she’s treated DSD and angry that she’s allowed to just swan in and try to be her mother now.

Finally, a kind stepmum post. It will be really hard and your feelings are understandable. Just don’t forget that whatever happens she will realise who was the real parent when she’s older. This woman is a twat n should have stayed wherever she was. Be strong and try not to show your true feelings about her mum in front of her. But remember to be kind to yourself too <3