Holidaying with the in-laws AND the step child…

[JukeboxJive2]

The time is fast approaching for me, DH, MIL, FIL and DSD (15) to take a holiday together…

My in-laws aren’t terrible at all and I actually get on pretty well with them, apart from the fact that MIL has a tendency to be very huffy and FIL is naturally selfish. I don’t see them too often as I have a very demanding job which means I don’t get a lot of free time particularly mid week. Alongside that, we’ve (DH and I) been away on holiday with DSD multiple times previously and everytime it’s been uncomfortable at best, for me. Now I’ve got the two combined it’s starting to consume my thoughts about how on earth I’m going to handle things - thankfully it’s only 1 week.

DSD isn’t a bad kid at all, although the whole smart phone/device obsession is wildly out of control. And even when there are moments minus the phone, it’s very hard to hold a conversation - but I guess that’s typical teenager behaviour anyway? I’m childfree so the dynamic is a huge adjustment.

To make impending matters worse, this upcoming holiday will be spent in a villa - yes I know I should never have agreed to it, but it’s now T-minus 6 weeks away and I need some tips on how to make the best of this.

Please give me your best coping mechanisms for surviving holidays abroad with the in-laws and/or the step kids! Thanks in advance🤞🏽😘

Just remember they are not your parents or your child, so you can take yourself of for some you time when ever you feel like it or need it, leave your partner to deal with any shit that may occur.

Hi OP,

Device obsession can be common but it doesn't have to be inevitable. What's your partner's view on it? Could you set some ground rules with SD about the phone before you go?(I'm thinking basic eg. Screen time breaks for everyone at points throughout the day, no phones at the table... whatever would work for your family really.)

I have a 15 yr old son and 14 yr old SD and they are both easy to hold a conversation with. They're interesting, fun and I enjoy listening to both of them tell me about their lives and interests so I don't think not being able to have a conversation is inevitable. Does your SD usually chat to you when she's with you? Does she have hobbies you can ask about? I love hearing about what my SD has been up to with friends and hobbies.

As for 'how will I cope?' My advice would be to consider (maybe even write down) your thoughts on the following things:

• What is important for me to do/get out of the holiday?
• Is there anywhere I particularly want to go? Anything I want to see?
• How will I recognise my triggers?
• What will I do if I feel triggered by in laws / SD?
• What support do I need from my partner so that I have the chance to enjoy my holiday?

Depending on the type of hols you could also have an open conversation with SD about what's needed so you can all enjoy your trip. Eg. if she wants to chill by the pool and you want to go sightseeing maybe you agree that you'll sightsee in the morning then chill by the pool in the afternoon?

We always remind our kids that it's everyone's holiday and we all talk about things we want to do so that everyone gets a chance to do what they want but also has to compromise too (and not whinge!) if someone else's choice isn't to their liking.

Also make sure you've had a good conversation with your partner about how you want to make sure everyone enjoys the holiday (including you!) and create a plan together on what might be needed to make this happen.

Good luck!

It’s not your responsibility to entertain them or make the holiday good. So have that mindset in the first instance.

if the DSD wants to be on her device all the time and dad lets her then his bad.

Scope out the area in advance and know where you can escape to if needed

Make sure there are two rental cars if necessary (get a cheap second small one) so you do have freedoms.

Have some date nights with partner?!

I'd book lots of day trips out and if people want to join then fine but I wouldn't be hanging around the villa all day.

If so wants to hang out in the villa on her phone with pil then let her. You go and explore and meet them in the evening for dinner.

This way you've had plenty of time alone so a few hours of their company at dinner is manageable.

Yes, I agree with the posters saying to think about your ideal holiday and make it happen at least some of the time. Let your DH know in advance that you'll be carving out time for yourself so it's not a shock to him. You work hard and you deserve a nice break. Good luck OP!

Top advice. Sit back and enjoy the show. Encourage a lot of grandchild/ grandparents bonding time. You might find that when they are with each other they balance each other out.

Given her grandparents are there can't you just leave her with them some of the time? If grandad wants to watch the football, and DSD wants to chat to her friends on her phone, can't the rest of you go out and leave them to it?

What does DSD like? At that age they can get so preoccupied by their friends and so terrified of seeming uncool it can be a nightmare to get them to admit what they like, but DSD actually loves outdoor holiday pursuits like surfing or canyoning.

Can you book any activities like that (obviously only if she doesn't hate them)?

At that age we also had a bit of "divide and conquer" so I might take her paddle boarding in the morning and leave DH by the pool, he'd take her hiking in the afternoon and I'd get my "book by the pool" time. Could you organise it so eg you did something fun with your DSD in the morning, and then your husband took his daughter and parents out in the afternoon giving you some down time?

Firstly I think you’re brave! I’d never have been able to get past the booking stage so hats off to you. Both parties would’ve driven me mad.
secondly make sure you factor in some time for you, with something that you want to do.
and thirdly find something that you can do with sd and mil? But of a kill it with kindness attitude, that’s how I’d get through it ( with added wine!)

best of luck Op!! Tbh this sounds like hell, I hate villa holidays and group holidays so it would have been a firm no from me 🤣

Have a conversation with your DH and ask him what his expectations are of the holiday. Does he think your in laws will hang out with their GD so you can do some things as a couple, does he expect everyone to move as a pack (in which case I would be planning some solo trips and leaving them to it sometimes) has he not thought about it at all in which case he needs to - “she’ll be right” rarely works in these situations. What does he expect of you? Much better to be clear before you get there but bottom line is there are three related adults to have a parenting/grandparenting role with your DSD, you are not one of them.

YOU don't have to do anything. Certainly don't attempt to set any "rules" for SD.

Adopt a zen approach and do absolutely nothing unless asked. Bend like a reed.

Take some riveting novels with you and catch up on your reading.

Big sunglasses for hiding behind.

Wine/gin.

Enjoy!

Goodness, you are brave! Using precious holiday from a demanding job to go on a term-time only holiday with a child and parents that aren't yours is admirable!!

Hopefully you are hiring cars and will have a separate one to the in laws which will give you space. Definitely talk to DH about what he envisions the week looking like-will you all be doing things en masse? What about cooking/shopping?

Sounds awful, who thought it would be a pleasant holiday?
Ignore huffers, it's manipulative and unnecessary, make huffers use their words.
The teenager has three relatives there, you don't need to do anything, just do whatever you enjoy, it's your holiday too.
Don't fall into the mug role of house cleaner and organiser.

Take your self off for a hour every day for a walk /run. Don’t plan it too far in advance as people may decide to accompany you. Take ear phones and listen to music or books when sunbathing. Don’t get involved in parenting issues

I'd let the grandparents do the moaning about DSC's phone addiction. Which they're very likely to.

But yes, I suspect this could quite easily become a 'DH's family' holiday, with you as a tag on. And frankly I think that's the best option for you. Encourage them to have days out where you stay at the villa and relax. Or take yourself off for a bit of 'you time ' safe in the knowledge that at least three of the four won't care that you're not around.

Thank you all for your responses - the ones regarding me remembering this is my holiday too, and of course the repeated mentions of wine, definitely resonate!

I think I’ll have a chat with DH and set my stall out now. For those who asked why I agreed in the first place - tbh it was more of a fairness default. DH and I been away with my family numerous times, these are adult only holidays, and I believe we’ve both enjoyed them very much. DH gets on with my parents (and extended family) like a house on fire - however I also know that’s because they’re easy people to get along with.

I don’t want this to turn into a “my family are better than his” thread though - not the case, just very different.

Being very transparent, me and DSD haven’t got a very deep relationship. She’s a very introverted child, that’s the exact opposite of both me and DH, I’ve been in her life for 6 years and she has always been the same. I do always try to make a significant effort but most interactions feel forced despite this. She struggles with friendships too so doesn’t really have any hobbies - aside from spending a significant amount of time with MIL.

Plenty of books, plenty of wine and the ‘bend like a reed’ approach should do well to suffice here I think!

I read your post and couldn’t relate to it more.
I braved a family holiday with the inlaws and DSD very early on in our relationship. But had the added challenge of DSD not adjusting to me being there for the first time. I have challenges with anxiety anyway around situations that make me feel uncomfortable and the whole thing was pretty awful.
In laws are exactly the same as yours, it was bloody tough. My advice is take time out for yourself, and do not let anyone make you feel like it’s not your holiday.

I’ve learnt I’ll never do it again, but this could be really positive for you if you can handle it better than me.

Headphones
books
wine

feel free to say you don’t fancy an outing and chill at the villa

dont try and get involved with the screen obsession, its a lost cause

i have children but did one holiday with DSS when mine were away with their dad

was actually quite nice absolving any responsibility

I think this. Don’t get stressed by anything, accept no obligations and have no expectation of anyone else.

As it’s a villa I suggest a cooking rota established up front, then each adult knows when they are in charge of dinner. 4 adults = 4 dinners in & 3 out / takeaway. Breakfast & lunches self service. Make sure there’s a kitchen cleaning rota too.

Beyond taking on the job of cooking 1 days dinner & clean I would do nothing else “wife work”
or parenting related.

This sounds ideal.

A 'very huffy' MIL, a 'naturally selfish' FIL, a phone-hooked teen and your DH keeping the three of them happy and worrying about you last? You're a saint, OP.

But I'm guessing this will be a one-off due to age of DSD?

Blimey OP, you are brave! You've had some great advice on this thread, I hope it goes well, and do report back!

It’s not your responsibility to entertain them or make the holiday good. So have that mindset in the first instance.

I think the response here have been great, and second all of them. The key thing being YOU aren’t the lynch pin in this holiday, OP. Your DH is. It’s his parents, his daughter and his wife. So let him take the lead on organising, negotiating, disciplining, etc. You get to be like a child on the holiday - you’ll do what’s asked of you (bending like a reed!) but you don’t swoop in to fix things or organise things. Depending on what your thing is, either pack lots of books so you have lots of time to read around the pool, or organise a second car so you can head off shopping, adventures, to hiking/walking trails etc. chip in and help with dinner prep or whatever, of course, but don’t feel you have to entertain anyone. Sometimes being the wife and having an extrovert personality can mean you default to these roles, but don’t take on a responsibility that isn’t yours for the week.

An odd time to revive this thread, @3LemonsAndLime ! I would imagine this holiday happened months ago.

How did it go...?!

Definitely do not make any comments regarding phone usuage, let her crack on.

It is your holiday.
Make it crystal clear to your husband that if it is too unpleasant, it will NEVER be repeated.
That tends to focus men, self interest.
Books, walks, naps, as you are exhausted from work, and red wine in bed under the guise of tiredness!
Leave him to bond with parents and child.

Just remember that it is not your job as a woman to make it nice for everyone or to grease the wheels of polite conversation, or facilitate a nice atmosphere if others won't play ball.