When do they become ‘step children’?

[FightTheAlchemy]

So, my partner and I have been together about 3 years now - we intentionally took things quite slowly with the introduction to his children (who are now 5 and 7). I was first introduced to them around 18 months ago (initially just trips to park/soft play etc.), before gradually building up contact and I moved in with my partner 6 months ago.

The children spend the majority of time with their mum but have weekly overnight visits and regular afternoons with us during term time, plus more days during the holidays.

Broadly - I would say it is going really well! We’ve built up (I think) strong relationships and his children have always seemed very happy/secure in my company. I spend a lot of time with them but equally I’m not used for childcare/taken advantage of as I read in some other threads!

We are not yet married/engaged - it is the sort of thing that might happen one day but no immediate plans. Equally, it might not.
When I talk about the children to other people, I still always call them ‘DP’s children’ - which at the moment feels like the right way to describe our relationship - and I’m certainly not in any rush to fast track things - but I was wondering at what point the ‘step-child’ label becomes appropriate? Did yours only become ‘steps’ after marriage?

Absolutely shocked by people who say a boyfriend or girlfriend is a stepmother or stepfather. If a boyfriend or girlfriend is an accepted mother or father figure by earning love and trust - that’s fabulous. However, a stepmother or stepfather is through marriage. Either you care for these terms/legalities and use them accurately, or you don’t and you don’t use them!

Its a legal term. They aren't your step kids until you marry.

I have been with my DP for 11 years. He has three children. His wife died when they were 1,4 and 8. I met them all when they were 7,10, and 14. We remain unmarried. I am their step mother.

I asked this before but please give the source for this being a legal term.

Depends if they think of you as step mum. I’m married but they aren’t my step kids really, they are my husbands kids. That’s how they feel, that’s how I feel. I don’t use the term step kids outside of MN!

People say ‘when you’re married’ as if that is some sort of tipping point. But my DC’s dad hasn’t seen him since he was a baby and has since got married to a woman who has also never seen or spoken to my DC. So lots of people would say that she’s earned the title of stepmum whilst my partner who lives with me and DC, irons his school uniform, makes his dinner and takes him on days out hasn’t earned the title of stepdad? Weird.

My DD (aged 14 so old enough to choose and buy her own gift) bought my DP a mug with StepDad" on it so I assume that he is now. We will marry next year.

New blends - the legal definition of step-parenting - Family Law Partners

I’m not sure I have a lot of faith in article which has the question “what is the legal definition of step parent” and then gives the source as the Oxford English Dictionary. That is not a legal definition.

There isn’t a legal definition of what a step parent is, or when one becomes one.

Marrying a man or woman with children confers no parental responsibility. Marriage is nothing to do with it.

A couple could be together 40 years and never marry - would they not be step parents to the children from previous relationships? Conversely, a couple could get married after 3 months having never met the children - are they more step parents than the unmarried partners of 40 years?

Technically it's when you get married but not everybody does so I think it's fine to use in other scenarios.
Do you know what they call you? (to other people). I would follow their lead. If you're 'daddy's girlfriend' they're his kids, if you're 'step mum' they're your step children. That's how I'd look at it, from the kids point of view.

When you marry their parent. Seems obvious to me.

Been with DH for 8 years, married last year. Was referred to as step parent around year 4/5 on my end in general conversation eg to doctor/school. I done everything a parent did, paid for anything they needed, we bought a house together around then which was split between all kids in our wills. Plus I felt like they are mine, we get on well & I love them. DH & I were meant to get married year 6 & postponed. Kids started calling me step mum then. Step sons refer to my DD as their sister & have some for a couple of years. I think it depends on the relationship between you & them & how they feel about it. I would never have referred to myself as a step parent if they were unhappy with it

I agree with those who say only once married.

I have been with my partner for 23 years so refer to his DC as my stepchildren and they refer to me as their stepmum. Might not be technically correct but I don't think there are any legal rights attached to being a stepparent so what does it matter.

It is amazing how many people are confidently stating there is but no one has yet given a source of that other than the Oxford English Dictionary.

What do you mean by “technically “?
Where does it say that?

@Indyschoolq if a stepmother or stepfather is reserved for married people, by that logic what are unmarried mothers and fathers? Surely it's a term that applies to unmarried long term live in partners too?

I probably just used the wrong word 🤷🏼‍♀️

What were you trying to say?

I'm not sure if it matters based on location. There was a stepmom IG account I saw where it says "mom (or stepmom) is a verb".

And I thought that was pretty accurate. It just depends on how your relationship evolves with the kids.

DH and I are married but before we were married, I still considered myself (and SD considered me) a stepmom because I was already helping with some parental responsibility. Helping with homework. Cooking meals. Washing clothes. Helping with chores. It didn't start out that way of course. When I first met my SD I was just Dad's girlfriend. But over time, as I was around more often, after we moved in together and I started taking on more parental tasks so to speak, I kinda evolved into stepmom, and getting married didn't change anything in that regard. I still do the same things I did before we were married. I think it took maybe a year to year and 1/2 of being in SDs life for that evolution from Dad's girlfriend to parental figure to take place and it's also still evolving as we grow.

So I don't believe you need to be married to be considered a stepmom, but it also just depends on how your relationship evolves and if you will take on parental responsibility or not. Some steps don't. Some steps leave parenting completely up to the bio, and are just there as a good adult role model. They might not even consider themselves a stepparent even if they are married.