When do they become ‘step children’?

[FightTheAlchemy]

So, my partner and I have been together about 3 years now - we intentionally took things quite slowly with the introduction to his children (who are now 5 and 7). I was first introduced to them around 18 months ago (initially just trips to park/soft play etc.), before gradually building up contact and I moved in with my partner 6 months ago.

The children spend the majority of time with their mum but have weekly overnight visits and regular afternoons with us during term time, plus more days during the holidays.

Broadly - I would say it is going really well! We’ve built up (I think) strong relationships and his children have always seemed very happy/secure in my company. I spend a lot of time with them but equally I’m not used for childcare/taken advantage of as I read in some other threads!

We are not yet married/engaged - it is the sort of thing that might happen one day but no immediate plans. Equally, it might not.
When I talk about the children to other people, I still always call them ‘DP’s children’ - which at the moment feels like the right way to describe our relationship - and I’m certainly not in any rush to fast track things - but I was wondering at what point the ‘step-child’ label becomes appropriate? Did yours only become ‘steps’ after marriage?

Sounds like they’re your stepchildren to me! Do they refer to you as their stepmum?

I would say when you’re consistently mothering them when they’re in your company

feeding/clothing/taking out etc

AND when they and their parents refer to you that way too

I think it’s a legal term - when you marry or enter into a civil partnership with one of the biological parents.

When you get married. 9 years with my partner and only became a stepmother 3 years ago when we married. It's a legal term.

13 years in, 8 married and still don’t use it. Neither he nor me want to. Have a great relationship but I’m dads partner and he’s husbands son or our childs brother.

Not until you're married. Obviously.

I think legally not until you're married, but emotionally? Depends on you and DP and DC, if you all feel that way then marriage doesn't come into it for me, not all partners marry, doesn't mean the relationship is any less than. My mam got with my step dad (we just call him dad, no bio dad), when we were little, and we called him dad LONG before they got married. It just felt right

When you are married.

or if avoiding maintenance, after knowing their parent a week…

When you’re married.

Officially when married but I know several men who have been more like fathers to my friends than their own fathers without marriage.
One has never been married and my friend always calls him her stepdad. One of my friends calls her stepmum, Mum and had done since she was little (her biological mother was awful and she had little to do with her).

I also know some rubbish cases of children having a revolving door of "step" parents.

I don't think this legally makes a difference to how much maintenance should be paid. In fact it would only reduce benefit payments if either of the adults are on benefits.

This. It’s a marriage thing.

I would think when you’re married if you’re thinking legally or emotionally if you are being treated as a bonus guardian - are you an emergency contact at the school? Do you pay for them if you take them shopping or out to eat or something? Do you spend time with them without their dad there? If you are just there to hang out when they are being parented by their dad that’s different. But yes - as other say, legally it’s when you are actually attached to them by marriage.

I think of it as a legal term too. If you were taking them to A&E and they said ‘what’s your relationship to the patient?’ you are their dad’s girlfriend or partner.

For me it’s when you act like a parent to them NATURALLY

washing clothes
cooking dinners
talking to them when they are upset
taking them places like the park etc on your own or including them in play dates with your friends children/your nieces and nephews

looking after them when they are ill

taking/watching them at their clubs/ school performances/helping with school projects or homework

able to tell them off when appropriate

when your in the shop and randomly see something you think they would like and without thinking you’ve already bought it

when you think of the future and future holidays and Christmases and you imagine they are there and what fun things you could do

basically when you behave exactly how you think you would behave if you had your own children

I don’t think your only a step parent and only have step children if you are married. Many people never get married yet raise other people’s children for years

Well, it is a legal term and a person becomes a step parent upon marriage, whether they are involved and have a good relationship with the dc or not.

Personally I think the 'feeling' and the change in how you view yourself in relation to the dc, happens when you and their parent are absolutely committed to each other and certain that you are going to go the distance. At the moment you say things might get to a permanent/married state but equally you might not. In those circumstances I wouldn't feel like a step mum, I'd feel like they were still my boyfriend's kids, but not anything to do with me in any meaningful sense (beyond being friendly etc).

Not the purpose of your thread but be careful - you have moved into his house, you aren't married, so until you are definitely legally committed make sure you keep hold of the means to move out and house yourself if it doesn't work out and don't slide into parenting/getting deeply attached to children you have no rights to see, if things go pear shaped in the future.

Can anyone point to the law which says you have to be married?

This suggests otherwise

https://uk.practicallaw.thomsonreuters.com/w-009-1424?transitionType=Default&contextData=(sc.Default)&firstPage=true#:~:text=Section%2012%20of%20the%20FW,to%20the%20de%20facto%20partner.

My personal view is that labels and names are up to the family to decide on (within reason, obvs you aren't a Stepmum if you've been dating for half an hour!)

What do you want to refer to them as? What do they want? What does your partner want?

I wouldn't worry what others say. in this role you'll find you can't please everyone so do what's right for your family unit.

xx

I think it’s all personal preference. I have been with DP over 5 years and we’re married yet I still refer to his child as just my partners child.

If a man moves in with a single mother, he pays less maintenance.

I don't think this is true. Can you find the legislation for it.

It’s true. Run it through the CMS calculator. An NRP will get reduction in CMS payment for any other children living with them.

If you don't think it is true, and I know it is true, why would I be the one looking it up?

It is on the government website. www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out
or run in through the cms calculator yourself.

but if the nrp moves in with a woman with children, he can claim he is supporting them and so his payments to his children’s mother then go down .

My mum and her partner got together when I was 14. We were close, got on well, had fun together, stayed in touch long after my mum died, and I never referred to him as my stepfather. When he wrote his Will, he called to explain that he had used the term because it affected inheritance. We agreed it didn't matter; just not how we regarded one another.

When he died, I had to explain the relationship to so many people (eg funeral directors etc) I found myself using the word more and more. Legally it's who he was but it never feels like the right term for the relationship that we defined for ourselves.

Well now, and obviously not obvious.
People on MN like to say this, but most of the FiL and MiL discussed here are not actually linked by law so there's quite a lot of hypocrisy.