Advice pls

[Mavi123]

My husband and I have been together for 11 yrs. He has a 25 yr old daughter I have 2 children 31 yr old daughter 30 yr old son. His daughter lives in another country and has only known him as a provider. My children are out the house and are very independent. For the most part in our relationship the only arguments we have had have been over how he allows his daughter and her mother to disrespect him both verbally and financially. As his wife I have tried to be still be supportive in many ways. Even going against my better judgement and deep feelings. Last year I made one of my resolutions for the new year, to try as best as I could to separate myself from knowing, advising, protecting, helping and supporting a lot of these issues as they were the catalyst for most of our problems. I decided not my issue not my problem. As long as they don’t interfere with what we have going on. I spoke to my husband of my decision and asked him to try to handle as best he could to contain his disappointed, anger, frustration, and any other feelings that he had about any situation when it came to anything that had to do with his daughter and his ex-wife. I asked him to please not allow any situation with regards to them to interfere or affect our relationship any more. To please figure out how to set boundaries and he had to it on his own as I was tired of helping him do it.Needless to say it was hard for him and I will say it was probably one of the best years we have had.
Fast forward to this year. I believe that the only thing he did was suppress how he was feeling as best he could, as I had set my boundary. Now his daughter and ex wife, who both work, are facing a possible eviction. He stated to me that he will not be giving me one of the monthly payments which is about $450 because he needs to help his daughter who he still sends about $50 to $100 a month to. When you add everything up I pay about $700 more a month already willingly. So now this is going to affect our household. This is his only child, she has only known him as a provider and that is all he knows to be for her. His ex-wife would also benefit from this. They are adults. He doesn’t know what to do as he feels he is in the middle. For the sake of something good someone has to suffer. I don’t want it to be me so what am I to do? I’ve explained how it would affect me financially in our marriage as well as emotionally. He doesn’t have an end date for this support as his answer is just he needs to help. It doesn’t end because why would it. This angers me to no end as I see the manipulation and abuse. What to do when there is no right answer for him? I have no relationship with either one of them, but can confidently say I have made many compromises in our relationship when it comes to this. How to support a husband who has a defined role in his daughter life without loosing myself or our marriage in the process?

His daughter is an adult so if not now when will it end? Is counselling to do some problem solving an option?

We have an absolute rule in our marriage that we do not talk about his daughter. I realised that she was older now than I was when I married her father and that she was still causing the same disagreements and arguments these 20 years later. There's actually no need to talk about her, we live in a different country now. It felt harsh to decide this was the way forward and a bit ridiculous but we were enmeshed in the circular arguments. Not the same situation as you but you are not alone in having stress over an adult child.

@Tradersinsnowreally appreciate it. That’s exactly what I said to my husband. When does this end?? His heart says never, because it’s his child. It blinds him. My husband has even sacrifices normal things like not going for anual checkups in order to not pay copayments in case she needs it. This while paying over $500 in monthly medical insurance payments. It doesn’t make any sense. Appreciate the feedback.

Wow I’m angry for you … him paying her is essentially you paying for them. You are being penalised… if it was his disposable income fine then whatever but the fact he can’t pay his bills I’m raging for you!!!

Tell him he can’t pay not pay for one month ( if you’re feeling generous) then he has to pay his bills or get a second job

That would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry, but I’d walk away. It’s never going to end and it’s going to have a big financial impact on you.

I'd tell him his spare money he can give to whoever he likes but he has no right to spend your money. Why should you pay out over 1000 a month more than him and why does he think you'll do that

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritasexactly. My husband was actually my first boyfriend. We were together for 6 years and then did not see each other for 25 years. At that point his daughter was just turning 16. My husband worked 6 days a week for those 16 years. Never went on vacation never had any luxury. He sent all that money home. I saw his divorce papers. His ex wife did not save anything. Didn’t build anything. There have been a lot of enablers in this story. He paid 4 years of school and his daughter lied didn’t graduate. At the time I said you know what give her a chance but be more on top of things. I saw things as a mom and said why would I do. So I convinced him to give her a chance paid a 2 year tech class she did he same thing. Then I said enough you will not do this anymore. We have to have some sort of life this is going to kill you. Her choice her consequence. She didn’t want to work neither did the mom. At hat point he didn’t send anymore child support as he was not obligated. What he did was send her $50 to $100 a month. But they both work. I totally understand they make bare minimum but it’s 2 of them figure it out get better jobs why didnt his daughter take advantage of the 2 opportunities. It gets better his wife is a full cosmetologist. Can work with men women makeup and nails. But does nothing in that field. She knows his daughter is his weakness. She doesn’t motivate her daughter to do better and neither does she. No good deed goes unpunished. So I told him your going to do 6 days again not account of me but let them know they killing you. Thanks again

@MoreChocPls absolutely. This is terrible. It’s killing me to. Our lives and moves all depend on them and it’s too much. He has no consideration for how all of this impacts our lives. Thank you

@Daleksatemyshed In this argument o said that the money I came into the marriage with was separate saving I had before our relationship. He’s mad they did right by him. But not mad enough to make it stop and let them figure it out. Thank you

You talk about enablers but you are one of them. I say this with the upmost kindness and not as an attack. All these years you have stood by and allowed them to exploit YOU. I say you because you’re the one bearing the cost. You have enabled this for so long too. At the point you were paying more than him so he could subsidise /enable his child you agreed to enable him to do it. That’s the point I think you should have walked away.

I made a stand for much much less. I’ll tell you. I have my own home, partner moved in, house was small for me him and his two kids. I wanted to move anyway but this cramped situation did make me do something about it. Moved to a bigger house. I didn’t ask him for any mortgage contribution. Deal was half of the bills, he brought the food. When we moved mortgage was £200 more. I asked for £50 towards it. My ex was paying £500 a month for accommodation and all food and bills. Anyway I went halves on everything to do with his kids.days out, dinners out, lunch out. Birthdays, Christmas the lot. It was costing me about £700 a year but I was willingly doing it. Accept his kids right. Anyways in an argument about him thinking I was taking advantage of him with the £500 living costs he had (get me a violin) he told me he wouldn’t pay for the home insurance (£9 his share a month) as he didn’t choose to have a house. I asked if he was absolutely sure of this. He told me yes, you chose it, you had the mortgage before me and you took a bigger mortgage for a house I didn’t buy, I’m not paying it. I said ok fine, no problem. I am not paying a penny more for YOUR kids that I didn’t choose to have. I didn’t ask for and you had before me.

he moved out very shortly after this and now pays close to £1000 for his small 1 bed flat as opposed to the £500 he paid for a 3 bed house, bills and food that I was taking advantage of him on.

if you stand for nothing you’ll fall for anything

Sorry OP but you are part of the problem.
You have tolerated this.
Why are you paying more?
You are paying for his ex and child.

Time to say no more.
Look at completely splitting your finances 50/50 and look at ending your marriage.

Either stand up to him and say No, or accept that you are as big a mug as your husband.

Apologies if that is harsh, but you are being used.