Mum of SD sleeping with drug dealer

[Stepmum28]

Just looking for advice, my partner and BM split over a year ago, there's no court agreement as managed to arrange 50/50 custody split without needing it.

We've been told by mutual friends that BM is sleeping with her drug dealer for coke, said dealer has a gf who had been banging on BM door and having shouting matches with BM whilst SD is in the house. We've also been told there is heavy drink and drug use whilst SD is there but we have no proof. Is there anything we can do about it? We don't feel SD is safe there but BM denies everything when asked.

How old is SD?

She is 4

Obviously you ring the police and social services. She's four ffs.

Oh my. Call everyone. Literally everyone, she needs to be with you and out of this situation.

The problem is we have no physical proof its all come from what people have told us, just concerned that if the police/ social services don't find anything then BM will make it difficult for us to see SD

Honestly, make a safeguarding complaint immediately: I can’t believe you are dithering.

I think if you go through the court process with legitimate suspicion they will order a court ordered drug test. If failed that will be all the evidence you need.

It's so hard. We had a similar situation a couple of years ago. SKs mum been sleeping with a married man which caused a lot of drama. As if that wasn't bad enough she tried to make his wife's life hell. Had been sending her and the family photos of them having sex and even told her to kill herself. Unsurprisingly, people were showing up at her door looking for her.

She was also broken into and threated with a knife which we believe was over outstanding drug debt. My DH spoke to his lawyer about getting emergency custody but was told he'd need solid evidence. The ex claimed it was just a random break in and we had no proof that it was targeted despite our own belief and second hand information from her cousin. Thankfully all these events happened while the kids were at ours. How old is your SD? You might have a better case if she's willing to give evidence.

I'd make a report to SS. I spoke with my friend who's a social worker when we had safeguarding concerns about my SD and she said all they would do was go round and speak to the mum. If there's drinking and drug use they might catch her under the influence.

I think regardless of what happens it's in your OHs best interests to get a court order in place. If she's the type to use the child as a weapon he'll always be in a position of being afraid to say or do anything in case she stops contact. Don't allow her to have that power especially if these rumours are true. I'd also advise him to keep a diary of anything that could help his case. If SD is turning up unclean or in clothes that don't fit etc. Keep a note of everything and take photos.

In my experience with step children it seems you're jumping in a bit quick, if your partner was that worried he'd be doing all he could and making reports and you should just be on the sidelines. Let him take the lead, it's his child. But if you're that worried make an anonymous report.

Something very similar has recently happened to a close family member. He removed the kids from the ex's care then called social services. Things got very messy. He applied for an interim court order which was granted. He has now just got permanent full custody. Ex refused to do a drug test and stated she didn't have a problem despite ex's friend telling him she is using cocaine. She was always late to things and extremely erratic which goes hand in hand with drug use. Kids attendance at school was shocking under her care. You'd be amazed how much kids can tell you. In this situation the youngest was 5 and was able to tell social services how dirty the house was, no food in the kitchen, strange men arguing with mummy and making them sad etc.

My advise would be to contact social services. Get SD's dad to talk to her about how are things at mummy's house, speak to her family if the relationship is good enough to. Unfortunately with drug use neglect generally goes hand in hand and the risk of your SD goes up massively with horrible men in the house. If there is genuine concerns your partner should apply for a court order I think it cost my family member about £250. However if she's still pretty reasonable he'd have to do mediation first. In my family members case this didn't happen as she was erratic and abusive to everyone in my family they skipped that step and the courts understood why.

It's not for you to give proof. You tell the authorities and they get the proof.

This! Also, if mum gets difficult about contact, you then go to court for access. First you safeguard

Her school will have a designated officer for safeguarding. Sharing concerns with school might be helpful here as school may have their own concerns

The mutual friends who told you should make the report as clearly they have some sort of proof or are at least witnesses.

You could gently ask DD if she's ever scared and that would be "proof."

Doing nothing is not an option.

You are not being unreasonable, but ffs stop saying “BM”. You mean her mother.

The people telling you things need to be making ss reports. Your partner needs to go to court for a CAO so he doesn’t need to fear she will stop contact.

you said he split with her over a year ago. So assuming you have a year together ish max? This is not your place this is your partners child and his responsibility to sort.

my ex is telling me he doesn’t want contact anymore with our 8 year old. It’s because his gf he was always trying to impress won’t parent for him anymore. So fucking damaging for kids to be used as aids in their dads dating life. My ex also told his gf I was crazy and bad for the odd and initially she believed him until years past an she sees the truth. Now my kid faces the emotional toll of being rejected by a parent. Had he not had to impress his gf he would have fucked off before my child knew him. So please please consider your impact on this and if there are genuine safeguarding concerns it needs to be the child’s father that steps up NOT YOU

This.

Why is the father not being more proactive, anyway?