Why is this so hard

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/03/2025 12:27

So don’t. Time for an ultimatum.

CloudPop · 29/03/2025 12:32

I’d agree. Have you seriously considered calling it a day ?

Thatsenoughadulting · 29/03/2025 12:39

Your partner is the main problem here. Why is he allowing his adult son to do nothing and contribute nothing? He sounds like a shit dad and a shit partner. Is there any reason you're staying?

Original poster

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 13:08

What ultimatum could it be though. Can’t kick him out and why should I leave.
DH has told him until he’s blue in the face but nothing changes. We can’t physically force him to do anything.

OP posts:

Isthiswhatmenthink · 29/03/2025 14:08

Why can’t you kick the lazy sponger out?

Original poster

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 15:38

Do people actually kick their kids out? Not sure that’s what happens.

What do other young adults contribute to the household. Not necessarily financially but chores and general attitude. I don’t want to be over reacting if it’s normal for a young male to do bugger all. I remember my brother did naff all either but I expect it

OP posts:

Guavafish1 · 29/03/2025 15:41

Yeah I needed my own space…. I moved into my own house.

much better… I have a relationship with with all

Ponderingwindow · 29/03/2025 15:52

Yes, parents kick their kids out. Otherwise their sons, and it is almost always sons, will just spend all day doing nothing and wasting their lives. If there are underlying mental health issues they will only get worse by hiding in a bedroom with the internet and chat enabled video games

his father is harming him by not setting high standards.

he needs a full-time job and he needs to pay rent. If he has done nothing it will be an unpleasant job but that is life. If he says he can’t work, then dad goes with him to the doctor.

you don’t have to stay and watch a man ruin his son.

YourTealSquid · 29/03/2025 16:14

I have an adult 30+ sd living with me and her father. I was happy to welcome her, short term, but a year in it's putting an enormous strain on our previously happy marriage. And I see no end in sight. I feel your pain!

YourTealSquid · 29/03/2025 16:16

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 15:38

Do people actually kick their kids out? Not sure that’s what happens.

What do other young adults contribute to the household. Not necessarily financially but chores and general attitude. I don’t want to be over reacting if it’s normal for a young male to do bugger all. I remember my brother did naff all either but I expect it

How old is he?

WeeOrcadian · 29/03/2025 16:39

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 12:24

Been a SM for about 10 years officially
it’s still bloody shit.
Its making me sad lonely and unheard in my own home
SS is an adult who does literally nothing and contributes nothing
I can’t deal with it anymore

"adult" indicates old enough to work and contribute

If this isn't forthcoming - boot

You wouldn't tolerate this of another adult, why this one?

What is the housing situation?

Thatsenoughadulting · 29/03/2025 16:40

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 15:38

Do people actually kick their kids out? Not sure that’s what happens.

What do other young adults contribute to the household. Not necessarily financially but chores and general attitude. I don’t want to be over reacting if it’s normal for a young male to do bugger all. I remember my brother did naff all either but I expect it

My stepson moved in with us full time when he turned 16. He'd just left school and my DH told him he had to get a job and it wasn't up for negotiation. He also had to abide by our rules and contribute to the household. He had a job within a couple of months. He's now 18. He works full time, pays digs, he does his own washing and he does the dishwasher every day. He pays for his phone, car gym membership etc.

When he wasn't making as much effort as we thought he should to get a job and wasn't doing what was expected of him my DH told him he'd help him fill out a housing application because he couldn't continue to live here making the choices he was currently making. Thankfully he bucked up his ideas but my DH has warned him a few times that he can find somewhere else to live.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 29/03/2025 16:45

His father must have at some point, removed his access to WiFi, stopped providing food and chores to the man? If not, he's allowing the freeloading.

Has he not given the man a date by which he'll need to be functional, or he'll need to house himself?

If you really want to stay married, focus on yourself and your happiness. Don't do any chores for the men, cultivate hobbies and friendships and enjoy life.

Goldiefrocks · 29/03/2025 16:45

Yep. Once my kids finished education they were expected to get jobs and behave like adults. Adults either study or work. No gap year or finding themselves. I don’t think we do any favours to young people by allowing them to be perpetual teenagers.

DrummingMousWife · 29/03/2025 16:47

Yes, people do kick their kids out if they take the piss - which your one sounds like they are doing.
tell him he has a month, hand him sacks, bags and boxes and count down the days

Original poster

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 17:40

He’s 19 and works. He’s got plenty of free time but prefers to enjoy himself or relax rather than help out. DH does all his shit for him. I put him
up a meal but that’s it.

OP posts:

altaego · 29/03/2025 17:43

i admit i am done at being a step parent! i am sick and tired of being responsible for everything and everything always being my fault! no matter what i do, its my fault. i exhausted myself trying so hard, i would arrange, organise, i would buy for birthdays, christmas's everything.. and i was accused of wearing the trousers in the relationship. so i stopped.. to then be accused of 'not letting' their dad do stuff. damned if you do, damned if you don't.

i love my DH dearly, but my god, am i sick of being a step parent!

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 29/03/2025 17:54

Your OP made it sound like he's just some layabout loser, since he's employed and you're not providing labour for him, what's the problem with your husband pandering to him if he wants to?

Original poster

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 18:04

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 29/03/2025 17:54

Your OP made it sound like he's just some layabout loser, since he's employed and you're not providing labour for him, what's the problem with your husband pandering to him if he wants to?

He works 3 short days. He’s gets all his washing/ironing/ etc done all his life admin done all his food bought. He begrudges paying his phone bill which is his only bill. He pays his own petrol costs and that’s it. He doesn’t lift a finger which I think is wrong. He has far more disposable cash because of his lack of responsibilities so I expect help in lieu of housekeeping but it’s a bit fat no I’m busy
lazy and selfish

OP posts:

Original poster

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 18:06

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 29/03/2025 17:54

Your OP made it sound like he's just some layabout loser, since he's employed and you're not providing labour for him, what's the problem with your husband pandering to him if he wants to?

This is what I’m wondering. Is it a problem?
should I butt out and let him be useless for life if that what he wants. DH doesn’t mind doing everything for him but I think it’s insane and he needs to grow up

OP posts:

YourTealSquid · 29/03/2025 18:10

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 29/03/2025 17:54

Your OP made it sound like he's just some layabout loser, since he's employed and you're not providing labour for him, what's the problem with your husband pandering to him if he wants to?

If OP is anything like me, it's intensely irritating having a perfectly competent adult being enabled by a doting parent. Sharing your home with someone who doesn't think to make a meal, run the hoover round or empty a bin, ever. And both the sc and the husband get a bit stroppy if you point it out. I mean at 19 it's fairly normal and they still need training but I'm struggling with a 32 year old who's had her own home and should know better. It's the breathtaking entitlement of sd and her father's unwillingness to do anything about it that's likely to lead to the end of our marriage.

@altaego I feel the same. I'm so sick of it too. I have children same age ish as sd, and they are not entitled brats, and we communicate well.

YourTealSquid · 29/03/2025 18:14

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 18:06

This is what I’m wondering. Is it a problem?
should I butt out and let him be useless for life if that what he wants. DH doesn’t mind doing everything for him but I think it’s insane and he needs to grow up

Show quote history

He probably will grow out of it, but it's very difficult if your husband runs around after him.

YourTealSquid · 29/03/2025 18:15

kissmyfatass · 29/03/2025 18:04

He works 3 short days. He’s gets all his washing/ironing/ etc done all his life admin done all his food bought. He begrudges paying his phone bill which is his only bill. He pays his own petrol costs and that’s it. He doesn’t lift a finger which I think is wrong. He has far more disposable cash because of his lack of responsibilities so I expect help in lieu of housekeeping but it’s a bit fat no I’m busy
lazy and selfish

Show quote history

I want to throttle him on your behalf, as well as both our husbands and my sd

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2025 18:15

The real problem Op is your DH has probably done too much pandering to his DS in terms of not asking him to do chores or pay for anything as he's grown up. Now he's an adult and works but still doesn't think he should have to pay his way or do anything in the house.because Dad will do all that. It's not a good life lesson, your DSS will get a rude wake up call one day, certainly no woman in her right mind will put up with a man who expects her to do everything for him,

Summedupnicely · 29/03/2025 18:17

The main problem here is your DH pandering to him. He's not helping his son.