Why is everything such hard work when it comes to DH's ex?

[Pippa8x0x0]

Apologies for this rant as it's a long one, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest and hopefully this will be a non-judgemental space.

I’ve been with DH for 6 years now, and known DSD since she was 5. We have her EOW (Fri to Tues including school pickups & drop offs, plus half of holidays). She really is a great kid and everything has been lovely tbh, other than the fact that her mum is just plain hard work sometimes. I just can’t wrap my head around some of the decisions she makes and what her expectations are of my DH at times.

Few examples:

• DSD starts secondary school in Sept, first day is a Tuesday. We have her the weekend before and would usually have her until Tuesday but as it’s her first day of year 7, DH thought it would be best to drop her back Monday so she can get her things sorted and have a chill evening and DSD had already expressed how she wanted to walk to school the first day with her friend who is her Mum’s neighbours kid (we live a good 50 mins away) so to avoid an early start this day and so that DSD can walk to school with her friend DH thought this was best. Turns out that her Mum has since booked DSD concert tickets in Wembley the Monday night before her first day and so she’s unlikely to be home before 1am! DH is pretty annoyed at this and wanted DSD to have an early night and get a good night’s rest.
• We have DSD the first week of Easter hols this year…DH works shift work and as per the contact schedule for DSD (which is set out 6 months at a time as per mediation) he said he would drop DSD back to her hers at 5pm as he works 5 mins away and is on an evening shift, and he knows she works until 4pm so she wouldn't have to leave work early etc. DSD’s mum has said she wants DSD home in the morning instead as they are going away, but expects DH to drop her back. She never offers to meet halfway or collect DSD when she wants a change made to the agreed schedule and gets moody at DH when he doesn’t agree to it.
• We get notice of changes to schedule, like above, and any holidays she takes DSD on with very little notice, usually under 2 weeks. Last year she was taking DSD out of school on holiday (which DH doesn’t particularly like anyway) and he got 10 days’ notice of a week holiday which also went over an entire weekend we would usually have DSD. Not necessarily an issue as these things happen, but she was so adamant with DH that she wanted a calendar for 6 months so she 'knew what was happening' but then thinks it's fine for her to give pretty much zero notice for any changes to the calendar she makes.
• Asked DH to drop DSD round to her cousin’s house instead of hers one day over Feb half-term with a few days’ notice, even though they live an hour in the opposite direction as she wasn’t going to be home (she’d had the calendar for 3 months at this point). No offer of them meeting half way, just an expectation that DH drives a 2 hour round trip in opposite direction.

I could be petty here as well and add that she gave DH such a hard time when we initially met (8 months after their split) as ‘it was too soon’ and ‘I was a rebound’ and ‘it wasn’t good for DSD to meet me so quickly’ yet here we are 6 years later happily married, and DSD has mentioned about 4 different boyfriends she’s been seeing. She’s met them all and none have got past the year mark. I feel so sorry for DSD to go through that, but that’s an entirely separate issue.

Does it ever get any easier?!?

Only if you let some things go and work out what battles are worth fighting and what decisions you just let go.

Don’t bother trying to get your head round the decisions it isn’t going to make any more sense

support your DH in pushing back if he wants and support your DSD

If you usually have DSD until Tuesday then it’s understandable that her DM booked a concert for a night she isn’t meant to be looking after her. It’s not like she can choose concert dates. If your DH is so worried about it he could get up early and drop his DD to her friends to walk round for the first day of school.

MN typically not a supportive place for step parents.

tbh I’d play be her rules when she expects changes with 10 days notice or wants to change collection drop off, no sorry, I’d need the same 6 months notice you need unless it’s an emergency.

court order might be useful is a headache but it’s the principle of stopping her from dicking you about

The mum has booked the daughter concert tickets, for the night before she starts a new school the next day.

I thought that was pretty clear in the OP.

She's taking the piss, but you can either make and keep strong boundaries on notice and drop offs or let it go. An in-between don't make boundaries but get resentful everytime it happens approach is just going to harm you, not her. If I was him I'd get this all documented in a child arrangements order and then no changes outside emergencies.

Ex wives who won’t share the driving are selfish and ridiculous and they never change. They swan around calling the shots whilst everyone else runs around. It IS ridiculous and it IS selfish but it will never change so I’d just start ignoring if I were you, let your husband run wound after her if he wants but stay out of it!

Personally I’d be saying the word “no” to demands which didn’t suit me. It’s very much a “her” problem if she goes in a mood - who cares, he doesn’t live with her?
If he wants to continue pandering to her, I’d be telling him I don’t want to know. What you don’t know won’t annoy you.
Under no circumstances would I be listening this for years on end.

Relatively minor points that are not worth getting worked up about. The concert tickets are WTF was she thinking.

However, you lost any sympathy with your last sanctimonious unbelievably bitchy comment - totally unnecessary. Aren't you the perfect couple because you got married and are still together 6 years later - what has that got to do with anything.
Am sure you have done things that have annoyed her aswell - who moved away?

I spent years tearing my hair out at my DSC’s mums controlling behaviour, unreasonable requests and basically having to dance to her tune otherwise contact was withheld.

My advice - get a watertight contact schedule so she can’t mess around.

If she’s unreasonable - stick to the agreement by the letter.

She wants to change times - answer is no. Set firm boundaries and don’t deviate. She wants a different drop off - fine, she facilitates that.

It does get better when they get mobile phones (at around 11) and can start contacting their dad themselves.

By the age of 15 - kids are making their own decisions on contact, so hopefully you only have another few years of her control and messing around. By 15 your DH will have no reason to contact her.

Also - look up the NACHO method of step parenting. Not your kids, not your problem. This is your partners / DH’s problem to sort.

Second the poster who has recommended Nacho Kids.

The model here is that you never say anything negative about the kids, the exw, or either parent's parenting. And that is because you don't have to. They are not your (nacho in a Texan accent maybe) kids.

I've been on a real journey with this one. I am now pure Nacho. DP's kids, their contact schedule and their mum's behaviour has nothing to do with me.

The best way to Nacho, in my experience, is to get the father of not-your-kids to stand up to any behaviour that making any of his first family problems your problem. You can expect to have a protective ring of steel around you, your relationship and your time together. In this case, when you are always protected, the exw does not have to be anyone's problem. The man you are with must make it so.

Men in my experience will choose the easiest option with the exw always and then moan to their partner about it, to try and make it the partner's problem when things go wrong. 'She's done this again, what shall we do?'

There is no 'we' in this ideally. As the step parent, all you require is firm boundaries and expectations.

I had to tell me DP we were taking a relationship break in terms of my not being around at all when he had his kids, so that exw antics were absolutely always firmly his own problems.

Left to his own devices he's managed incredibly well. Most of the right boundaries are up now. And I am full Nacho because I can be.

DP played a trump card. He told exw that if she expected to be in control of his contact and NC time, he wasn't really a 50-50 parent and they should drop the 50-50. Sure, she wouldn't be able to work full time anymore, but this was her choice. Real co-parenting or her being the primary parent, taking the appropriate balance of rights and responsibility.

DP did this because I was not around to enable anything otherwise. There was no 'she wants me to do the school run today but i need to work, so can you do it' because I wasn't around.

This is quite a long ramble, sorry, but I really do think the best way to stop yourself having any exw issues is to remember its not your problem and absolutely make it his problem. Nacho Ex Wife would be good follow up series!

I'm quite curious as to what controlling exw's do when the children are too old to be used as pawns, especially if they are narcissistic and creating drama around the contact schedule is a form of supply.

Is there a new pattern of behaviour to expect here? Not my problem, but something I've mused about a bit

They probably switch on their children and become the mums/MILs from hell posted about in AIBU.

OP often people with bad lives and little control exact it where they can. In your case, she’s able to exact it over your husband. But it’s not your problem because she’s not your ex wife.

For your own sanity, ask your husband not to tell you unless it directly affects you. Contact orders can be sought in court for under £500. If he or your SD are complaining about her, “oh” and changing the subject works.

In our case, now that she has no contact with the kids dad - she’s ramped up the verbal alienation about the kids dad.

For example - the kids aren’t allowed to call him dad or use my name. We are only allowed to be called she / him in her presence.

They aren’t allowed to express any joy about the time they spend at ours and they aren’t allowed / strictly briefed that they can’t discuss anything to do with mum / her home. Not that we are remotely interested.

She did turn up on our doorstep ranting abuse a few years ago (by then there was no contact between her and the kids dad) and had to be removed / was cautioned by the police.

These people remain angry and can’t move on. They are too emotionally damaged. My now DH has been divorced 12 years - she’s had 2 very brief relationships in that time but can’t move on.

It’s so sad as the only people affected are the kids. In our case - after SS recommended counselling as the suspected parental alienation - the older daughter stopped after one session and we haven’t seen her for 4 years. The younger son (now 16) knows exactly what has gone on and in his words ‘I can’t wait to leave home’.

Thanks that’s so interesting. I’ve been trying to game this one out.

DP has finally closed most of the BS down. And as kids have got older the opportunities to mess with him have fallen away.

But he thinks everything will be ok now.

What to expect or accept from here tho? Does it ever end? I am wondering actually now DP has boundaried up to prevent all child alienation and financial abuse, the next target is his relationship with me. If exw is a narc, apparently the drama never ends. I am particularly alive to this issue as I have an abusive family member who fits the criteria generally.

Sorry for hijacking the thread OP!

Who moved?

The schedule thing she needs playing at her own game.

The concert isn't great but is a parenting choice. She is doing something nice for her child.

You're no superior to her because you've been married for 6 years and she's had 4 boyfriends. Your DH got lucky his relationship has lasted thus far. Not everyone meets a life partner with every relationship. It's not a sign of her weakness nor does it make her bad or stupid or useless or anything else.

I agree with @Unblended and I think I also took the grey rock approach - I spent years being so frustrated with DH not putting boundaries in and it impacting my life so then I made a change where when DSD was with us it was great and I enjoyed the time with her but when she wasn’t I didn’t get involved with anything to do with her or her mum. DH would moan about what her mum did while never doing anything about it and I’d let it wash over me, not engage and say well you know my view.
I couldn’t keep letting it enrage me or effect my child’s life so any changes in the schedule didn’t impact my DD; if DSD didn’t end up coming we still did what I’d planned etc.

I feel this!
My Step Daughters mum is a nightmare too,

• Changes arrangements that she already changed before to suit her better
• Puts going to music gigs and trips away over parenting
• asks for swaps and trades even though she is child free half the week
• is nearly always late for drop offs
• drops step daughter to school late
• feeds step daughter Subways, meal deals sushi’s and other starch heavy foods all the time despite being told the kid could potentially have chronic constipation
• expects my partner to drop everything and go collect step daughter if she’s misbehaving and refusing to leave her Mum’s house
•constantly over steps boundaries and social norms

it’s infuriating.