stepmother / daughter relationship

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Bit of a random one, just wondered if anyone has any thoughts - warning! could be long...

My parents divorced when I was 8 and me and my brother lived with my dad - my stepmother came along about 3 years later and I continued to live with them until leaving home at 18.

During the time I was growing up there were some serious problems at home. My stepmother has lots of her own issues (way too complex to go into here - she is a bit of a sad case and I have a lot of sympathy for her really) and when I was growing up she took a lot of it out on me. Not sure why I was the target particularly but she was exceptionally cruel from when I was about 13 until I left home. Nothing physical but a lot of mental and emotional abuse which it has taken me a long long time to get over. Since leaving home I have been consumed with anger whenever I think about her or have to see her and tbh it really blighted my 20s and led to a lot of alcohol abuse and some seriously dysfunctional behaviour on my part.

However, in the last 5 years I have met and married a wonderful amazing man and our first baby is due in a few weeks. I have also spent a not inconsiderable amount of time and money on counselling and I now feel as though this part of my life is behind me and I have in some way reconciled myself to it. Remaining angry was only harming me and although I have not forgiven her, I have managed to let it go to a great extent.

A few weeks ago I got a phonecall from my stepmother - in tears and suddenly feeling guilty for her behaviour towards me in the past. She said she would completely understand if I didn't want her to have anything to do with my child, which is as close as she has ever come to a recognition of what a bitch she was to me when I was growing up. I was pretty speechless tbh and made some general assurances just to get her off the phone.

She and my dad are coming to visit me tomorrow and I am starting to think about how much I actually do want her to be involved with my child. She was an entirely poisonous influence on my childhood and I have no reason to think she would love a child of mine any better. On the other hand, it might be easier to leave the past in the past and allow her to be involved to some degree. Mainly though I am annoyed that she is bringing it all up again when I feel as though I have moved on with my life. Clearly she is still full of terrible feelings about our relationship which I have spent a long time trying to get rid of. At one time I would have loved nothing more than an enormous full-on row, ending in me denying her access to my child, but now I can't be bothered to drag it all up again.

Sorry this is so rambling and well done to anyone still reading! I suppose my question is: when can / should the past be left in the past for the sake of family harmony? Would it do anyone any good for me to make a scene and deny her access to my child for the entirely understandable reason that she completely fucked up my own childhood?

FWIW my dad and stepmother live at the other end of the country and I only see them 3-4 times a year anyway although this might increase once the baby is here.

I think you shuold at least have a go at letting her be involved in the baby's life.

If she displays the same behaviour then call it a day but she might really have changed.

I know it's hard to forgive and forget but I think for the sake of harmony and the fact I truly believe life is too short you shuold try.

Don't know of this will help but my MIL had a similar expereince with her SM who turned out to be a very loving Nan to DH. However when DH was old enough to understand his Mum did tell him about the problems she had had with SM and he made up his own mind about their relationship, in fact because of other issues we had very little to do with his Nan in her last years, but he still remembers her fondly from his childhood. Also if you exclude your SM you deprive uour child of their grandad which is sad,

Tough one. You really need to think carefully about what having a relationship with her will mean for you. See how the visit goes. If she needs/wants your forgiveness, and you aren't prepared to hand it over so lightly, it might not be a good thing for you. Clearly depends how the visit goes and how you feel about it afterwards. Give yourself time to mull it over.

Maybe she is just starting to work through the issues you have already worked through.

When you see her I would refer to the conversation, and acknowledge that it took a lot of time and heartache to get where you are now. Whilst you're glad she is working thru' it, you cannot risk this process affecting you or your baby.

Then try and maintain a decent relationship.

Nice to see Solitaire's positive post

Thanks for the lovely responses.

Solitaire, that is a great and very inspiring story about your MIL - the way she handled her situation is exactly how I would like to handle mine. My stepmum is very good with small kids (she has 3 nephews who she adores and who adore her) and I think your advice, branflake, about seeing how it goes to start with and possibly changing my mind later on is a good plan.
It is v v important to me that my child has a good relationship with my dad so for that reason I think it is easiest and best to let the past go for the sake of harmony.

I will honestly never get to the stage where I can (or would want to) forgive her so I really hope she never asks me to! but I am confident I can maintain a civil relationship. If (as I hope) she is starting to work through some of her issues, I don't ever want her unburdening her guilt in my direction! Our current relationship is conducted at arms length and I like it that way!

When I met my husband, I promised myself I would never see my dad and stepmum without him there too for support so tbh I am a bit and nervous that they are coming tomorrow when he is working away...

Hope it goes/went ok novicemama!

Hi sorry to read about your past unhappiness. Maybe just take it one step at a time (I do think you really need to protect your own hard won happiness though). See how it goes, whether your SM continues with her old behaviour and how you feel.

Maybe there is a sliding scale of how prepared you are to let her back in your/family's life. Sounds like you are firmly in control now - congratulations for putting the past behind you.

Could you have a supportive friend around when they arrive?

Novicemama some of this is very similar to my story.

My mum died when I was 18 and my dad very quickly brought my DSM into our lives (mum died August, I was introduced to DSM in November, they got engaged at Christmas and married the following March).

Luckily for me I had already left home to go to uni (my poor brother at 13 was still at home and bore the brunt of the problems) but it was clear that my DSM was jealous of my brother and me, and the fact that our mum was much loved by all the family, and extremely insecure to the point where she set out to destroy the bond between us and our dad and to make him prove that she was most important.

It's a long story but suffice to say dad wasn't a strong person and did what she wanted. The damage to both me and DB was a terrible relationship with them both - to say we hated her would not be an understatement.

When I met DP he persuaded me to go for counselling. For me this really helped and, like you, I realised that the hatred was poisoning my life and I let it go. Didn't forgive, or forget, but came to the conclusion that I could live with it and I now have a reasonable, though not terribly close, relationship with them both.

Like you, when I became pregnant with DS, I did go through some agonising about their realtionship with my child. My step-sister already had one child, and another on the way, and DSM is a loving and involved grandmother, but both DP and I worried that the tainted feelings she had for me growing up (DP knows all about what happened) would put our DC in a position where she might hurt him (mentally not physically) because of her insecurities and jealousies. TBH we needn't have worried. She's been a fabulous grandma and she loves DS a lot. She's keen to be involved and she's also offered to come and look after him when we have our second child in August. It's also strengthened my relationship with her.

I'm sorry this is so long but I hope it's helped in some way.

Sunshinemummy, so much of what you say rings completely true, thank you SO much. A lot of SM's issues with me are to do with my physical similarity with my mother, and she is also hugely insecure and jealous of me and of my good relationship with my father. The same as you, it is not physical damage I am worried about with regard to my LO. I am most afraid that my LO will remind her so much of me that she will start to treat him / her the way she treated me. Your story seems to have had such a positive ending though, I really hope that mine will be the same.

I have just seen them this afternoon, thankfully only for a few hours, and actually it went very well - not stressful or uncomfortable. Looptheloop, you are right, counselling and increased confidence means I feel very much in control now and the whole situation is easier to handle as a result. Plus is helps enormously seeing them on my own turf IFYSWIM - I absolutely detest going to visit them at their house, which is also the house where I was so miserable for most of my teenage years. In my home she probably feels she has to behave herself better which suits me very well.

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support

Good on you! Glad it went well. I really admire the way you've been able to deal with it so well.

You've had tons of really good advice here, so I won't repeat any of it or go on at length.

But I was in a very similar situation - for some reason my SM took a lot of the grief out on me, not my brothers. But what I hated most was that my father wanted me to treat her as my mother, which she ain't. (My mother is still alive fwiw).

So I was really worried about how I would be about her being with dd. But in fact, it has brought us closer. I don't care what her relationship with dd is or isn't, it is enough for me that my SM loves DD. But if you'd asked me about it before the birth, I would never have thought this possible.

But having a child also brought up a lot of very powerful emotions for me - as my counsellor had warned it might do - and I went back to therapy for a bit, which was very helpful.

So, wait and see how you feel after your child is born, as this will make a huge difference. And stay in touch with your counsellor. It's had its moments, but now, with dd, I am so much stronger than I was, and my SM now has no power to hurt me.

Vonsudenfed, I was just about to respond to your post in AIBU because your situation is SO similar to mine. I also was told at the age of about 11 that I had to start calling SM "mum" even though my real mother is alive and well - truly creepy and unnecessary and I dropped it as soon as I left home.

Thank you for the advice about counselling, I'm becoming aware that my own impending motherhood is going to throw up lots of questions for me about motherhood generally and my shitty experiences.

I am so so touched and happy about the wonderful support of MN - honestly can't overstate how helpful everyone has been.

And it was replying to you that made me post mine - I've been pondering it for a few weeks (or brooding, depending on your point of view). I perhaps had it a bit easier; I don't think my SM was malicious, just quite stupid and frightened (she came from abroad, so was stuck in a new country with us - her first husband had committed suicide).

But mostly I just wanted to wish you and your husband the very best of everything with your new baby - you really deserve it after all the grief, and all of the work you've done to get over it. You sound like you'll be a wonderful mother - even though I have had ups and downs since dd was born, it's still the best thing I have ever done. I hope - and in fact I'm sure - you will feel the same way too.

Make sure you post a birth announcement!

How is it going? I hope you were feeling strong and as if you were in control at the visit and not her. It's so easy to revert to being the vulnerable child on these occasions especially when you are feeling a bit post-natal and new motherish as well! I find it really hard that my mother's husband wants my children to call him Grandad; so I only call him by his first name and refer to him as that with the children. I hope things are working out for you and that you are feeling comfortable with the way it's going