Help! I need to get over this!

[Suxapril]

Hi, looking for advice from other step parents

DP has 6 yr old DD
I have 16 yr old DD

No children between us

The step parenting path has never been smooth. DP’s ex never liked me even though I didn’t know her and has made things extremely difficult.

She told horrendous lies to DP’s parents & his siblings about me (we are now NC as they believed them)

She reported me to SS twice, both awful allegations which meant my DD was spoken to in school, home visits etc, obviously no further action. - this had even bigger implications that it usually would due to my job!

She took DP to court regarding access despite them having a sound arrangement before I knew him! Very costly and time consuming as she frustrated proceedings all she could.

She used to dress up for DP when he did drop offs and then told SDD that he had kissed her, cuddled her at drop offs and she would repeat this.

She told everyone that my DD was mentally ill and a risk to her DD.

She threatened to never allow access when I was about which put huge strain on our relationship at the time and after as DP said this damaged his bond with SDD

The list goes on. It took a while for DP to grow a backbone but he has now, court is settled and it appears she has a new partner so doesn’t interfere with our life as much. Although after every visit there is some form of message, most recent was that our dogs were aggressive towards DD (they were not)

Thing is, I am so scarred by all the stress, I am seriously considering ending the relationship. I have spoken to DP about this and he is devastated saying that he has done everything to minimise the contact with ex and his family due to what they put us through and this is very true!

But I don’t see the relationship with SDD every recovering and that is such a shame as she is a sweet little girl, I am just so anxious when she is with us incase another allegation comes out.

How do I move forward?

I can't believe his family believe the Ex over their own son..its in a way agreeing with their sons loss of contact and the court process by the ex as they think she is right.

Do they still believe it?

I honestly would leave too, in all honesty I would of left at the first allegation. People capable of throwing children under the bus for their own gain are very unpredictable and you will spend your days waiting for the next drama, that's no way for you or your child to live.

The ex is not originally from the UK so his family have always held in with her because they worry she will take SDD to another country.

I think I need to too but we have such a good relationship

Relationships are a package deal? I would have left (or friendzoned) early doors and not looked back .

Sod being in a relationship with all that drama. I wouldn’t like the effect it had on my life and my child’s.

I think you should leave too. Protect your DD and live a quieter drama free life for a while. His DD is 6? That’s a minimum of 10-12 years more of organising contact via the ex wife and having her and her nasty games in your lives. It does get easier once the DSC are 16/18+ and organise their own relationship with their parents more. But I’d walk away, hurtful though it is. If that means the ex has “won” so be it.

Why on earth did you subject your own daughter to this shitshow?? She had to endure school and home visits by SS?
What does she think of your relationship?

I think I’d of been gone when she fucked with my career. She sounds like an utter maniac. I think you’ve put up with so much a probably feel to walk away would mean it would all be for nothing but what’s next? Clearly this woman stops at nothing to create drama and stress and I’d say.. enjoys it.

my biggest worry now for you is the lies surfacing around the dogs and probably insistence from her they are PTS could you live with yourself if she did that and got away with it?

I think there are apps where you can speak to exs only about children so no phone numbers etc but I think you’re well past this

OOH, the fabulously toxic ex's! I feel your pain!

I'm sorry to say it will not get any better, she will always be his ex and mother of his child and that means she thinks she can say and do what she wants. You will forever struggle to have a relationship with the daughter, not because you are the problem but because of that forever voice in her ear.

She will however come to regret it when she needs something from you but then the damage will be done and it will be too late.

I would walk away, I wish I had, my life would have been a lot easier - I stuck it out though and it took 12 years to come out of the other side, DSD knows what her mam is like now, we have a semi decent relationship now she is in her 20s but her and her mother were rotten to me (I don't blame DSD for what poison her mum poured into her). DSD no longer has a relationship with her mother.

She gets on well with DP generally and has always been old enough to explain to what has been going on. She obviously knew the allegations were completely false as they were ludicrous but it still caused her a lot of stress sadly

Absolutely, the last couple of years my DD has mostly arranged her own contact with her dad. We have a casual contact arrangement because we both work similar shifts. Never been any drama between me and my ex.

Thank you, there were murmurs of reporting my dogs but it has so far never happened. DP now adamant she will leave us alone as she has found someone else, I think the damage is done though. I feel anxious a lot, have lost a lot of weight and I know because it was stressful for DP too he is just so keen that we move past it all so he doesn’t get why I am so upset by it all

Echoing previous posters. I think you should leave. I couldn’t live with the constant anxiety of this negativity in your lives.

I am sorry to hear you have been through similar.

I feel in the trenches with it as SDD is so little still. It’s always something to cause stress even minor things that don’t actually impact on my but upset DP so it all feeds in.

I genuinely don’t understand why some women are so bitter? Me and my ex just cracked on for our DD, I don’t care what he does and he doesn’t care what I do so long as DD is ok.

Yikes that sounds exhausting and tough. I agree with everyone I would have been long gone too.

However, looking at the present and future I think I would stop living with DP until kids are much much older. If it’s a good relationship it will survive living apart and your DP should understand the pressure his ex has placed on you and your DC and respect that you want to live apart.

Walking on eggshells in your own home is no way to live

Thank you all. Tbh, I don’t know if the relationship would survive living apart. This has already rocked us significantly because I would go to the ends of the earth for my DD and as I would expect DP has and would do the same. A lot of the stress was caused by his pandering to ex in the fear she would take SDD away. It was frustrating but I also wouldn’t want my DD to be taken from me (although it was at risk with the allegations made, yet DP doesn’t think it would have happened so apparently I can’t compare).

I also feel bad that he has really tried to put this right, so far as possible, uses an app to communicate with her etc has the court order, low contact with his parents etc but I still just can’t shake this horrible feeling

No man is worth this amount of stress or drama.

I would have been out of there at the first sign of her causing trouble and 100% gone once she’d involved my daughter.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

This. If your kids were the other way around and his was 16 then maybe it would be worth hanging on but your SDD is 6. That is another decade at least of this.

Even if she is easier now she is in a relationship she doesn’t sound like the type who will “meet someone nice and live happily ever after”. There will be endless drama. And every time it goes wrong she will take it out on you.

I'd have broken off the relationship when she reported me to SS. No relationship is worth that hassle and trouble - trouble for your daughter too. I'd have been long gone and would certainly break up now.

You’d go to the ends of the earth for your daughter, yet stayed in a situation where SS entered her life and could have destroyed it if you lost your job? Not to mention the effect of the stress you were under and her?

bit of a contradiction there…

How long have you been with your DP?

I, too, am amazed you stayed around while these extreme things were happening.

One thing is sure and that is because your SDD is so little, this will go on for another 12 years at least. That's the part you have to consider.

It's taken too long for you to realise that you need to leave.
The damage this has done to your own DD is horrendous.

I’m also a SM (have been for 11 years). My now DH has been divorced for over13 years & his EW is still as bitter & vitriolic as the day he left.

She has spent the last 13 years dripping her bile & position into the kids ears (now 16.5 & 19.5 YO). She’s done everything in her power to stop the kids seeing their dad (he spend years & £000’s getting a contact order & taking her back to court for breaching it).

I could spend hours recalling her batshittery…..

I’ve only seen her twice in the 11 years - both times she was highly abusive & the last time she had to be removed by the police (after turning up at our house for something she wasn’t happy about) screaming abuse and was given a verbal warning by the police. This was all in front of the kids (then 12 & 15).

The kids aren’t allowed to have any relationship with me (due to the loyalty bind she has created) and they are only ‘allowed’ to call their dad ‘him’ in front of her (and me ‘her’) as anything else upsets her.

They aren’t ‘allowed’ to take anything of theirs to dads. And conversely - if dads gets them anything (birthday, Christmas presents etc) they aren’t allowed to take it back to mums house.

And no I wasn’t the OW. She’s just bitter & emotionally unstable.

In those 11 years she’s had 2 short term relationships and it gets slightly better. But once the fellas see the light & leave her, the batshittery starts again.

It’s absolutely exhausting. It really affected me for a while and I considered leaving. Then I discovered the NACHO method of step parenting (look it up). It’s been an absolute life saver and there are some great podcasts on there. Basically - step away, ‘let them be’ (you can’t control her actions, but you can control how you react).

In my case the SD stopped all contact 4 years ago (after the above police incident). I’m gutted for my OH who is devastated but for me it’s a huge relief as it was miserable when she was here fir me (wouldn’t look at me, talk to me, monosyllabic answers and was a misery to be around). Mum has created such a bind for her, it’s easier not to see him. By the time SS suspected parental alienation she was 15 and they said it was too late to intervene.

The 16 YO boy has started to realise what’s gone on. He still visits, despite his mum making it difficult for him.

It does get better as they get older, although you have a few years to go.

My tips would be:

Grey rock her (look it up). Only engage on child related matter and do so in a short, business like way.

Make sure you have a watertight contact order so there’s absolutely no ambiguity.

Pick up / drop off at school (my DH wishes he had done this sooner). Takes away her control and you can stop her silliness if you do it at hers.

Have absolutely nothing to do with her. I’ve never met her or spoken to her. I have absolutely no need to.

Good luck, it’s hard but it will eventually get better🤞

In my experience the ex’s new partner actually eggs her on, so it’s not necessarily true that she will improve unfortunately.
You are on a very tricky road if you stay-and only you know if the relationship is worth the daily stress. If you stay your partner has to maintain his boundaries and you may have to accept a more distant relationship with DSD as her mother will get to her one way or another. It’s bloody sad that adults behave like this.

In your shoes I would ask DP to move out. If you want to sustain this relationship, think it is worth saving and if he is a good guy, you can date and live together when his DD is not there. As sad as it is, for the sake of my peace and mental health I wouldn't want to have any contact with his DD until anything changes or she gets older and less influenced by her mother. It is his ex, distance yourself and let him deal with it. Moving in together will be on the cards once DD is an adult I'm afraid.
Protect peace at home and keep the drama away from your DD.
How long have you lived together and whose house is it?