I really need some good advice

[Jo3y1702]

Hi,
Finally feel like I have a platform to "talk"; no-one I know is in a similar position to me...
OK, before I start, this is very much a 'ME' problem but I'm struggling to "get over" myself.
I'm 2 months away from marrying into a family - 3 adult step-children and I've been very much accepted.
The problem is, I consistently feel, or put myself on the outside, and I've no idea how to stop it. I'm exhausted.
I've no children of my own and that is my decision. However, since my soon to be SD is about to have a baby I've had some unnerving feelings, including feeling like I have no purpose because I'm not a mum, or struggling with feelings of wanting to be a mum. It's too late for me now due to my age and to be honest I'm not sure if the feelings are genuine or born from a sense of jealousy of my SD having her own family.
Not sure really what I'm after here other than a sense check and a grounding, as I feel like my feelings are running me around.
How can I be part of an established family?

I think these are very normal feelings -- don't be so hard on yourself!

You're right i think -- you need to look at these emotions yourself, as they've exhausting you. Also, at some point they WILL accidentally leak out, and you'll feel rubbish about damaging relationships unintentionally (I speak from experience!).

Can you talk to your partner about this? Also, i know people always give this answer, but a few sessions of counselling could be really helpful -- just to untangle which bits are about you not having kids, which bits are about not feeling welcome, and which bits are just the reality of being a step-parent (which is that you ARE outside that core circle of people who've lived their whole lives together.... You can be part of the wider group, but that centre will always be them. And that IS ok). Good luck xx

You’re not part of the nuclear family and never will be and that’s both fine and your choice. You can throw yourself into being a step-grandma, or you can focus on the things you chose over being a parent in the first place, which I’d assume to be career, travel, hobbies, friends? Reclaim yourself OP!

So what's interesting to me is you've said you're feeling jealous of SD new family, but also that you've been accepted into the family.

I am in no way saying that having grandchildren is the same as having children, but it strikes me that you are in fact joining the family which the new baby is coming into. You can be a lovely grandmother to this baby from when it is very little! The baby won't even remember a time when you weren't part of the family.

I agree with PP saying these are natural feelings and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

Timing is relevant here - you're embarking on huge change and unsure of your new 'role' in a new family. But unresolved feelings about not having children are very real. If you can afford some private therapy I think you'd find it really helpful to work through these feelings.

My other thought is that families are not always as perfect and close-knit as they appear from the outside and having someone (you) as a fresh, untainted and objective new part of their lives could bring huge benefits to your stepchildren and their families.

I married into an family of 4 just over 2 years ago been together longer obviously. My situation is a bit different through as my stepkids are younger so we all live in the same house. I think you're actually in a good position in that they have accepted you. In many cases adult stepkids don't and feel a certain way about their parent remarrying.

I'm very involved in my SKs lives but I always used to have this feeling that I was just "dad's wife" to them. Then they'd go and surprise me by getting me mother's day gifts, telling their friends they have 2 mums etc. I'm not saying your SKs will feel this way but what I mean is that they probably hold you more dearly than you think they do.

If you have a good relationship with your SD maybe have a chat about the role you'll play in her child's life. Kids can have more than one grandmother. Maybe she'd be happy to consider you a grandparent but you'll never know unless you have the conversation. Just be completely honest and vulnerable with her.

My nephew's gran on the other side of the family is my SILs stepmum but she's always just been gran and they married when the kids were adults. My SD calls my parents gran and grampa. I know if my SKs go on to have kids I will consider them my grandkids as much as my DH does.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding OP!

You have nothing to feel bad about, your feelings are all valid and normal 🌺

Do you have the sort of relationship you want with your stepkids? Have you been able to form a family as such with them?

What do you want your relationship to be like with them? And with SD's baby?

Do you have a space to process these thoughts and try and get to the bottom of what is making you feel this way and then what you want to do about it?

you're about to become a step mother and step grandmother and it sounds like the SC are positive about you. So that's not a problem.

Have you considered some psychotherapy? It may help you get to the roots of what's really going on. I had some just before I remarried and the thing I thought was bothering me wasn't the thing at all

Hi,
My SD bought me a "Nan" charm for Christmas, so I think that's what she feels :)

All 3 of my SK's are really nice people and have accepted me easily, as I have them (with some internal navigation!), so really I'm very lucky. Our relationship is that of a "friend" and occasionally a confidant.

I am considering therapy as it's too much for me to work through on my own, especially as I've no idea how these feelings have materialised!

Definitely talk to someone before you marry.
How do you feel about being a hands on grandparent?
Its not for everyone, especially if it is suddenly in your face everyday with constant visiting.

If your partner is very excited at becoming a grandparent and wants to be hugely involved, you could find life quite different to what you expected.
There is nothing wrong or selfish about you exploring how you are feeling.
It is absolutely the right thing to do before you marry.

My single friend was going out with a nice man for a year when he became a grandfather. He was besotted with the baby and suddenly their weekend plans were vague until he had finalised his babysitting duties with his daughter.

This got old very quickly as his daughter was delighted to be getting baby free time every weekend.
She gave it a couple of months to settle down but then decided it was too much and reverted to making alternative plans as she didn't want to be spending her weekends childminding.

He was very disappointed she didn't want to share this with him.
He then found she was no longer free when he was and was upset.
She liked him but she wasn't interested in playing Granny to keep him company.

Give it all some thought as it could be your gut trying to ask you if this is really what you want.