Differences in households

[tartanpuppy]

Hello!

I was chatting to my sister recently about this situation and it got me thinking - I don't want to say exactly who said what as I'd love unbiased opinions.

Essentially - should it be expected that step-children's outcomes/life is different from their half siblings based on the fact that they have different mothers?

Here's our situation:

Myself and DH have 2 primary age daughters, and he has a daughter in college.

Myself & DH are 'high' earners (we are not wealthy - but comfortable, mortgaged home, 'nice car' etc) have always worked full time, DC were in nursery and then wrap around care once they started school. Holiday clubs etc.

DH's ex rents (in a not so nice part of town), works part time, term time only. DH pays above expected CMS and then extras where needed like ipad, laptop, school trips etc.

I guess my question, which only entered my head when I had this chat with my sister - is to what degree should 'lifestyles' be the same when the mums are so different? Where they share a dad we've always tried to do as much as we possibly can to make things as equal as possible, where we can (we can't control the mum's housing etc of course), whereas my sister said that we need to understand that it might not always be 'equal' as they've come from quite different backgrounds, by nature of mums, despite sharing a dad.

If you're a stepmum, how equal do you manage to make things? Or do you just accept different parents = different lives?

Or do you just accept different parents = different lives?

That one.

I don’t think there’s any expectation that life in each household should be the same.

The sooner kids learn this the better - just like their standard of living isn’t the same as friends.

In our case, my DH & I (I’m the DSM) are both university educated & have good / well paying jobs. We’re both grafters. We own our own home and live within our means.

The SC’s mum left school at 16. Refused to work for a long time (one of the reasons I’m told their marriage failed). She now does work - but works PT (kids are 16 & 19). Despite getting a £200k payout when the FMH was sold she hasn’t bought a home and instead has spunked the £200k of equity she received on renting a £2k a month house & all inclusive holidays. Completely her choice.

Kids are bright. They know things are different in homes & easily adapt. What we did find was that the line ‘your dad & NorthernSpirit’ have loads of money, they’ll pay for it’. This had to be nipped in the bud as we aren’t made of money.

It’s not your responsibility to make up the shortfall OP.

People will argue that your SD’s mum was disadvantaged by having primary care, but she’s made her choices and so have you. Sounds like you do more than enough already.

Exactly this. We are similar here, I have a career and their mum still only works PT despite the youngest being 14. That's her choice but it certainly isn't up to me to make up for her!

I generally end up subsidising our lifestyle here and taking them all on hols but us living in a larger house in a much nicer area isn't something i'll be sorry for, i don't even think really that kids notice those kind of things! As long as there is wifi, they are all good!

Yes you accept that different parents mean different lives but that doesn’t have to mean different outcomes as you do have influence there depending on how often they’re with you. However they will be more influenced by where they spend the most time, how can they not be?

Absolutely fine and normal. There’s post about first wife being upset her kid isn’t going to a wedding of the sm’s friend abroad. Sm is taking her partner and child and the other daughters mum “can’t understand why he won’t take their child” yet that mum is taking her child away later this year whilst the other 2 siblings won’t be going away with them. That’s fair for her though 🤯

for me it’s normal. Just as kids friends have different lifestyles and opportunities just life.

I wouldn’t put too much thought into it. It’s your job to provide for your children and give them what you can and their dad’s job to do the same. I imagine if your kids wanted a new pair of trainers and dad couldn’t afford but you could you’d make it happen but if you couldn’t afford it, wouldn’t matter if your SCS mother could afford to buy her daughter the trainers .

swings and roundabouts. If the lifestyles are drastically different, wouldn’t surprise me if sc wanted to live with you to gain access to that.

Your husband needs to treat his three children equally in terms of his resources and time, taking into account the age and circumstances at the time. that's the best he can do with the situation he's in.

Thanks everyone - it makes a lot of sense. I think I'd be overthinking things out of my control and feeling guilty for doing stuff for my daughters but you're right.

DH treats them equally (as much as age allows of course) but I did worry about the differences at times but I think you're all right - I think 'lifestyle' aside mine vs DSDs mums personalities/values etc are very different also and that's reflected in DSDs own values so even if we tried to equalise things 'materially' actually things would always be different anyway

Are your SD’s values the same as her mum’s? Is that where she’s spent most of her time?

We’re in a similar position (I have a career, SD’s mum doesn’t really work) though my SDs are younger than yours. I do sometimes worry about their lack of work ethic. Like @NorthernSpirit we get a lot of “mum says you’ll pay for it” and I’m reducing how much I spend on them because of it.

@Dartagnat yes exactly this. Not interested in work at all. Was a battle to even get her to college despite being 16.

I try and ask her what would make her happy and just get hit with ‘I don’t want a career I’ll just get a job’ constantly. It’s difficult isn’t it. I suppose where I’ve been stressed is thinking that we should try and change that/get her to take opportunity that we try and give her but she just doesn’t want to. Likewise with a Saturday job - DH gives her pocket money and said he’ll continue even if she gets a part time job but she just won’t even look.

Yes any big/expensive purchases are automatically directed to our household. A little nervous of her turning 17 in the summer as I expect we’ll have to cover the car and lessons etc.

I hope my 2 follow my work ethic a little more.

Its been an interesting read - I really did stress myself about her not ‘achieving’ or having the same ‘lifestyle/outcomes’ etc but seems I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

There was a large earnings/ lifestyle difference between me and DH's ex-wife, plus I prioritised education very highly which my DSC's mum did not. As a result DH's children with me had a very different educational experience and also had a lot more travel experiences.

It wasn't something I worried about too much, my children's childhood was driven by me tbh and my DSC were virtually grown up by the time we were making choices for the 'second' (my) family and it would have been churlish to limit opportunities because the first family didn't have the same 10-15 years earlier.

They're all grown up now and I haven't seen any adverse consequences, though they're not close with a big age gap and a lot of miles between them all.

As adults, we have found it is much easier to treat all the DC equally, we ensure we give the same level of financial help to them all. Practical help is not equal because of the physical distance, but I think that's understandable.

Fundamentally dad needs to be fair to all his children but everything else is not. We are similar to you and my children (one my DP one not) have had a much better start in life and stand to inherit a lot more from my family and that’s just the facts. In our house we treat all the kids equally but I can’t undo DSC having a mother who doesn’t read with them or attend parents evenings, who feeds them so much junk food that they’re overweight and never takes them to any extra curricular activities (and not due to lack of funds as they’re PP so could access school ones for free throughout primary).

my DP pays for sports lessons (on our time as she won’t take them on hers), music lessons, a tutor and reads with them all every night. He’s closing the gaps he can but 50% of their lives is junk food and TV on tap and we can’t alter that.

But my DSC are wonderful children and will go far in life because of their dad’s help and the fact that their mom loves them, so despite not helping them achieve in certain areas of life I have mentioned I know that they are more likely to succeed in life because of that love building their confidence and self-esteem.

Yes any big/expensive purchases are automatically directed to our household. A little nervous of her turning 17 in the summer as I expect we’ll have to cover the car and lessons etc.

Why default to this, though? I’d happily subsidise things like this for DSC if they try their best academically and have respect and awareness of how money requires work.

But there is no way in a million years I’d encourage a ‘handout’ approach for a child who opts out, especially if the other parent encourages this.

It will do DSD zero favours to be so dependent and lacking in choices and independence into adulthood. Could you try a compromise instead - if she wants driving lessons I’d offer to match whatever she earns to pay for them.

Then she needs to sit down and calculate car and all running costs and work out how SHE will pay at least half of these on an ongoing basis.

We have issues now with dss who is late 20s. He has a massive chip on his shoulder about the difference between his childhood and our children’s. There is a big age difference between them. Things like my kids having more holidays than he had or going to private school ect. We were in a different financial situation then bur we did do lots of holidays not as many overseas though, and we did offer to pay for private school but his mother refused to let him go. Honestly the difference is not dh treating them differently but having me as a mother.

That's a lovely balance you have achieved. Being a step Mum is not an easy job. Your DH sounds lovely trying to support his DC with reading. Their Mum loves them but maybe just values education less. I'm in a similar situation with a foster DC. At our home he has to do his hw, reading and spellings. Before he came he never did any of it. The other day I told him to take a shower after he'd been playing sport and he said but I already took one yesterday. I told him shower is everyday also cleaning teeth and putting on deodorant. I've bought him a PE kit so he isn't the only kid without one and got him school shoes so he isn't wearing trainers to school. My adult DC have been very encouraging with him too. When he occasionally goes back to visit his birth family under supervision I have no idea what he's told them but certainly his life is vastly different than it was at his family home where he rarely got a hot meal and had no hobbies or sports.

It’s hard won and honestly on the days when it feels that we get the hard drudge work of parenting (especially with one child having SEND) whilst mom gets to Disney parent with no rules, I can be resentful. But I do try my best to let it go and remind my DP regularly how lucky they are that he’s their dad and doing all the hard things (like toilet training and teaching them to read and ride bikes). The kids have come on leaps and bounds with his help in so many areas and now eat almost anything (even my DSS with autism) and are gaining so much more confidence in school and with their chosen sports, so it is all worth it.