Permissive Parent

Puddingsandpilates · 2025-02-27T14:30:33+00:00

My step son's mother had a permissive parenting style from his birth. His dad and I have a firm but fair approach when he's with us. It just breaks my heart because he is a lovely boy underneath it all but he just want his own way all of the time. He's 8 and his school sent a very firm letter saying that if his behaviour doesn't change then he is more or less out. He throws and breaks things and when he goes back to his mother she defends him and goes to war with anyone who asks her to be more firm with him. Why is she like this? She can see his life falling down around him - I don't doubt she loves him - but she won't change her parenting style. I just don't understand.

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Thatsenoughadulting · 28/02/2025 08:01

I used to twist myself into knots asking why my stepkids mum did the things she did. All I can tell you is that it's a waste of energy. She's going to parent how she parents and all you can do is try your best to implement boundaries and discipline when you have your SS.

What is the custody split?

Original poster

Puddingsandpilates · 28/02/2025 12:32

Yes. That's true. It's like we take one step forward and 2 steps back - we were advised by the school that all the adults need to sing off the same hymn sheet for a consistant shift in his behaviour to happen. His mum bought him a mobile phone at Christmas and now whenever he doesn't like being told no he calls her and then it's a new palava. It's very frustrating.

We have him Tues and Thurs 5 - 7:30 for tea and then Saturday from 4 and he goes back on Sunday at 2:00.

OP posts:

Thatsenoughadulting · 28/02/2025 16:36

Puddingsandpilates · 28/02/2025 12:32

Yes. That's true. It's like we take one step forward and 2 steps back - we were advised by the school that all the adults need to sing off the same hymn sheet for a consistant shift in his behaviour to happen. His mum bought him a mobile phone at Christmas and now whenever he doesn't like being told no he calls her and then it's a new palava. It's very frustrating.

We have him Tues and Thurs 5 - 7:30 for tea and then Saturday from 4 and he goes back on Sunday at 2:00.

I mean first of all I'd be confiscating the phone off him so he can't just ring his mum. Just because his mum thinks it's appropriate for an 8yo to have a phone doesn't mean you have to allow it in your house. Your house, your rules.

It's going to be really hard to change anything when you have him so little. We have 50:50 and still came up against some battles because "my mum's let me....". Is there no way to have him more often, at least 50:50 so you can have a chance at tackling this?

Original poster

Puddingsandpilates · 02/03/2025 10:41

Thatsenoughadulting · 28/02/2025 16:36

I mean first of all I'd be confiscating the phone off him so he can't just ring his mum. Just because his mum thinks it's appropriate for an 8yo to have a phone doesn't mean you have to allow it in your house. Your house, your rules.

It's going to be really hard to change anything when you have him so little. We have 50:50 and still came up against some battles because "my mum's let me....". Is there no way to have him more often, at least 50:50 so you can have a chance at tackling this?

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Really good point about the phone. He has a iPad which we limit use of to 1 hour on the weekends. We can incorporate that with the phone too.

The agreement in place was such a battle and we have in place if the son requests to come over outside of what's agreed he can and he has started to request it more. But I agree, it's not enough.

One day at a time I guess.

OP posts:

BigSilly · 02/03/2025 10:45

With respect, it's nothing to do with you. Leave it to his parents and the school

Original poster

Puddingsandpilates · 02/03/2025 11:04

BigSilly · 02/03/2025 10:45

With respect, it's nothing to do with you. Leave it to his parents and the school

Out of curiosity, are you a step parent or are you a mother who's children have a step mother?

OP posts:

Thatsenoughadulting · 02/03/2025 16:23

BigSilly · 02/03/2025 10:45

With respect, it's nothing to do with you. Leave it to his parents and the school

I know it may be hard to believe but some stepmums actually care about their stepkids and want the best for them.

RandomMess · 02/03/2025 16:37

Can you work towards having him more like 60:40 at the least.

What does his Mum plan to do when they exclude him and she has to find a new school etc?

SnoopysHoose · 02/03/2025 18:05

@BigSilly
Stupid comment, OP clearly cares about this boy who spends a lot of time in her home.
MN on one hand expect step mums to love their stepkids but god forbid she has any say.

BoredZelda · 02/03/2025 18:25

Stupid comment, OP clearly cares about this boy who spends a lot of time in her home .MN on one hand expect step mums to love their stepkids but god forbid she has any say.

It isn't stupid at all. It doesn't matter how much OP cares, it isn't anything to do with OP how his mother chooses to parent. She isn't asking what she should do, she is asking why his mother does what she is doing. It is an invitation to judge a mother, with scant detail based on a one sided version of the story.

In this scenario, what needs to happen is, the child's parents sitting down to find a resolution, not the step parent judging the mother.

PrawnAgain · 02/03/2025 20:34

BoredZelda · 02/03/2025 18:25

Stupid comment, OP clearly cares about this boy who spends a lot of time in her home .MN on one hand expect step mums to love their stepkids but god forbid she has any say.

It isn't stupid at all. It doesn't matter how much OP cares, it isn't anything to do with OP how his mother chooses to parent. She isn't asking what she should do, she is asking why his mother does what she is doing. It is an invitation to judge a mother, with scant detail based on a one sided version of the story.

In this scenario, what needs to happen is, the child's parents sitting down to find a resolution, not the step parent judging the mother.

I bet this poster also calls women who chose to stay out step parenting "cold" and says they should love the child "like their own".

Thatsenoughadulting · 03/03/2025 07:50

BoredZelda · 02/03/2025 18:25

Stupid comment, OP clearly cares about this boy who spends a lot of time in her home .MN on one hand expect step mums to love their stepkids but god forbid she has any say.

It isn't stupid at all. It doesn't matter how much OP cares, it isn't anything to do with OP how his mother chooses to parent. She isn't asking what she should do, she is asking why his mother does what she is doing. It is an invitation to judge a mother, with scant detail based on a one sided version of the story.

In this scenario, what needs to happen is, the child's parents sitting down to find a resolution, not the step parent judging the mother.

How is it not her business when the boy is throwing and breaking things? I'm sure if you had someone doing that in your home you'd have something to say about it. Maybe the mother deserves to be judged. If what OP is saying is correct then she's doing a shit job at parenting and it deserves to be called out.

Bakedpotatoes · 03/03/2025 09:25

Is he neurodiverse? I know it can seem like permissive parenting, but parenting ND children is exhausting and low demand parenting can be recommended if there are extreme behaviors such as throwing and breaking things. It's also difficult if you don't have the tools to parent effectively in these situations.

Cassy2000 · 03/03/2025 09:49

You can’t change it OP. There are millions of shit parents, unfortunately you have a front row seat to this one.

Original poster

Puddingsandpilates · 03/03/2025 10:26

Bakedpotatoes · 03/03/2025 09:25

Is he neurodiverse? I know it can seem like permissive parenting, but parenting ND children is exhausting and low demand parenting can be recommended if there are extreme behaviors such as throwing and breaking things. It's also difficult if you don't have the tools to parent effectively in these situations.

This is a good question and point. However across his development he didn't showcase any signs of neurodiversity, also ruled out by the GP and school.

OP posts:

Bakedpotatoes · 03/03/2025 10:32

Puddingsandpilates · 03/03/2025 10:26

This is a good question and point. However across his development he didn't showcase any signs of neurodiversity, also ruled out by the GP and school.

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I wouldn't rule it out completely due to the GP and school not agreeing - parents fight for years for a diagnosis.

What are the school doing? Even children with poor parenting tend to confirm in school to fit in. What have they suggested is the issue?

KatMansfield6 · 03/03/2025 19:57

You need to go to court for more access. At the moment, you have only four nights a month and no full days. This does not allow your DH to parent.

Originally after his divorce my DH had an informal arrangement of 50:50 but this was then gradually restricted by his ex to a point where he was seeing his kids about 6 nights a month. Eventually his ex took us to court to further reduce access to 4 nights a month. We did a counter application and now access is back up to almost 50:50 and is court mandated.

We are still dealing with the legacy of 2 years of minimal contact. Though the relationship between my ex and his DCs remained excellent, inevitably the children's attitude to school and behaviour has been set by their mother's home and not ours.

I continue to be frustrated that my DH's passivity and desire to keep things amicable had such a negative impact on his children. As soon as access was restricted, he should have taken his ex to court. In this respect at least he failed as a parent.

Court was stressful and expensive but not as much as i had feared, and it has transformed our lives for the better. Not only do the SC see so much more of us, but there is less tension with his ex because the court has ordered the access arrangement. She can no longer unilaterally decide he is not allowed to see them. We are also seeing some gradual improvements in behaviour.

From experience, to impact his behaviour and values you need time with him. You can't change his mum, but your DH can step up as a parent. Sounds like both parents are equally failing him atm.

TheLurpackYears · 03/03/2025 20:13

What is stopping the child's father from parenting him more equally? He barely sees his dad.
(Disclaimer: mother of dc with a step mother who's ex sees them slightly less then your Dp sees his, by choice. I am exhaustedand get an awful lot of stick for failing my children)