I don’t know what to do

[Stad86]

Hi

I am at a bit of a loss, I have 2 step children and a son with my wife, her eldest daughter is 18 and had to leave our house when she was 16 as she was very disruptive to the family, the police were always at our house because she has either been shoplifting or setting fire to things and she was drinking to much. She went to stay with her grandma as everything we tried to do seemed to make it worse and the house was affecting the other kids as well as my wife and I.

Shes now 18, alcohol services are involved and she’s regularly involved with the police and no one else can cope with her so she’s coming back to live with us.

I don’t know what to do, or how to deal with this and Iv just shut off from my wife over it. I’m very worried about the effect it will have on the other kids now especially the 5 year old as the others do know what she’s like and are old enough to understand that it’s not acceptable behaviour.

Im convinced this will be the end of my marriage as it nearly broke us 2 years ago and I just need advice and help.

I work full time running my buisness , I’m also autistic so change is hard and someone not obeying rules is a big issue for me. I understand kids don’t follow the rules but she’s taken it to the extreme now.

I don’t know what to do or how to act now, the truth is that I don’t want her here which I know is really selfish

Sorry for the rant I feel completely exhausted and burnt out by it

Honestly, I wouldn't have her back with a young child in the house. How is your wife feeling about everything?

It's hard to answer without knowing the exact dynamic and specifically what she's done but she does sound like a nightmare.

What led to her behaviour being so bad so young? Trauma? ND? Something set this off - happy and well adjusted 16 year olds don't shoplift, drink and set fire to things.

I would start there. The "why" behind her behaviour.

Does she deserve another chance? Can there be the agreement reached - if she moves back home then she must agree to a solid set of expectations and the moment she crosses the line she's gone.

Have you discussed in much detail with your wife? How does she feel about her return?

I would leave with 5 year old tbh. She sounds like she needs help and needs her mum. But alcohol issues, police isn't a safe environment for a 5 year old..parents have their children removed for safeguarding with chaotic behaviour like that if it was you or your wife acting that way. Also given your struggles with change and the instability, you will be stressed which will effect your parenting towards your youngest child. It's probably best all around for you and 5 year old to build a calm home and your wife do some intensive work with her eldest.

her early years were living with her father who was/is alcoholic and then later in life she stayed close to him and then she’s followed in his footsteps

we did try and create a stable , safe environment and I think we succeeded , no arguments in our house, no drinking and no disruption

She does need her mum, and my ideal situation would be to leave with my son but that would mean him still spending half of his time with my wife and that would feel even worse not knowing what he was seeing from the teenager

She thinks life will now be a nightmare because I won’t adapt and that a breakdown of the relationship will be my fault

She thinks I should sell the house, pay her off and separate

Losing my son half the time will be awful, I also have a great relationship with her other child

Your wife should be putting the marriage first here. If her moving back in is going to impact your marriage then it shouldn't be happening. On top of that it's going to affect the other children. I know 18 is still very young but she is technically an adult. She is responsible for her own behaviour and her own actions. She obviously needs a lot of help and support but I don't think it's fair on anyone else that she gets that while living in your home. Have you spoken to social services? They should be able to help house her either in her own home or in a residential home.

Sadly after reading this post I think your marriage may be over. It sounds like your wife has already made that decision but is shifting the blame onto you because you can't adapt which is very manipulative. This is on your wife. She's decided that your marriage doesn't matter enough to her and she's chosen not to prioritise it. She's choosing to do something that will be disruptive to the marriage but making it your fault because you won't adapt. Not many people would adapt to this situation. Do not let her make you feel like this is all your fault.

You say your autistic so maybe it's more difficult for you to see that this is pure manipulation and lack of accountability on her part. How is the marriage in general? How were things before there was talk for the daughter moving back in?

It will impact the marriage , she’s said that she thinks separation and me giving her half of the equity in the house is the best option because I’m not flexible enough to tolerate the actions of the 18 year old

She won’t talk to social servcies about housing her and thinks she should be the one to fix her

we didn’t give up on her, we tried everything to help a few years ago and partially hoped she would grow out of it but it didn’t happen

It’s a good marriage, it’s quite old fashioned in that I work and she looks after the kids but we like it that way and she’s allowed me the time to grow a successful buisness by it not being an issue when long hours have been needed. We don’t really argue and it’s all quite smooth really.

I really do feel like I shouldn’t have to have this put on me, she left for a reason and it wasn’t taken lightly but now it is my fault for not wanting her back.

I do my best by the other kids and try my hardest but the 18 year old will just ruin things.

i know autism will add to me being a pain in the way I deal with things, but I’m really high functioning with it but I do struggle to let things go

Please do not let her put the blame onto you. None of this is your fault. If the marriage is truly old fashioned then she'd understand that a marriage should come first. She's not doing that. The fact that she is so ready to give up on the marriage before her daughter has even moved back in tells to everything you need to know. Sometimes having no arguments isn't a good sign. It's a sign that one or both parties don't care enough to fight for something. I don't mind if my husband has to work late occasionally but if it was a regular thing I would complain because I want to spend time with him. Do you spend quality time together? Do you go on dates, have an active sex life? Is it really a good marriage? Or is it just not bad? It can't be that good of she's so quick to just throw it all away.

Have any ground rules been agreed for your DSD's return or is it a free for all?

I feel for your wife because I can't see myself letting my child flounder , even at 18, but while love and support would be unconditional and I'd put as many things in place to help her, living here , particularly with younger siblings would be conditional.

She’s got what she wants from you then, which was the money to raise her kids, and now you’re surplus to requirements. I’d be feeling pretty used. Sorry OP.

Thanks for the message

she does complain if I work late repeatedly and I do have to reign it in and then not do it to many times a week otherwise she will have something to say, but overall I’d say she’s understanding with it

we don’t really do much in the way of dates, seems to be hard to get child care so it is tough although I do take days off to do things whilst they are in school when possible

sex is good, both very adventurous so we don’t have any issues connecting on that level at all

im aware we don’t really argue, I don’t really know wha to think about that to be honest as I’m just not an argumentative person, although I do like to make sure things get done so maybe she just goes along with it

in this situation we are obviously arguing over this, Iv gone into myself and in the short term I have no choice but to let the SD come back but I’m lucky enough to own a few houses and have enough cash about my to buy somewhere else if needed to leave with my son and I think that’s where my head is at

rules will me put in place for her return, they won’t be enforced or stuck to and then it will all go to crap within a week or so m

for now I’m going to keep my head down, keep out of the way and just get through this period

You won't lose your son half the time no judge would give her 59/50 custody with her adult daughter (with her history and issues) staying in the home she'd be lucky to get supervised access out of the home.
The fact is by allowing her dd to return to the home under these circumstances your younger child is being put at risk, simple safeguarding say that this would create a dangerously unsuitable environment for your child.
Please safeguard child by taking them and leaving, apply for full custody and do not allow your stbx take your child to the home she shares with her adult dd

Family therapy might help. If your stepdaughter is alcoholic you could try contacting recovery lighthouse.

Sadly a lot have said the same, Iv had it happen twice where Iv been taken for money by partners

I Clearly have mug written on my face

Can you not get full custody off son based on unstable home?

I’m going to look into it, it’s new to me and I don’t have any freinds or family who have ever had to do anything similar

You’ve mentioned another child. What age are they? Would they not be impacted as well?

The wife should absolutely be putting her child first. Balancing the needs of older daughter and her child with OP - yes. The marriage? Not top priority. OP doesn't necessarily sound super easy to live with tbh. Not his fault, but being triggered by people breaking rules would be tough even with an easier teen.

@Hoardasurass I think your message is an overreach honestly, it's not clear the younger child would be at risk.
OP is absolutely not justified here in going for "full custody" (are you American?) and removing the child from their mother, the primary carer. I wouldn't be so sure it's what will happen.
OP you seem to feel quite sorry for yourself about money but your wife is raising your joint child, does she have mug written on her face?

If you can't prioritise your marriage you shouldn't get married. The marriage should always come first and the couple should be a team and a united front. We're not talking about a toddler being neglected here, we're talking about a adult child. She has to take some responsibility for her own behaviour. You don't get to behave like an absolute dickhead and ruin everyone else's lives.

yes, without a doubt but also my step
child and the returning teenager caused nothing but issues which is why she had to leave in the first place

sadly me leaving with my son would leave the 14 year old with the 18 year old and it would be a downward spiral again I fear

She thinks she can manage her and cause minimum distruption, but it’s her daughter soni get that she thinks she can change her etc

the SD is back this weekend so it’s and since I was told it was happening she hasn’t really mentioned it much, I have very much gone into myself and not really spoken at all whilst I figure it out but I think I’m mainly waiting to see what happens on her return

I often just go into myself when things like this happen and just focus on work and then just playing with my son when I get home

I think she feels she did a good job on pushing me into accepting the return and then her job is done and she’s gone back to normal

if I’m honest I know I haven’t dealt with it how I should but I think I need a bit of time to consider my options