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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepkids not being comfortable

11 replies

Snowygal2012 · 17/02/2025 19:43

Looking for some advice. Myself amd my partner have been together 9 years and 6 months ago decided to move in together. (Was a bit of a commitment phobe) .

I have always been part of his kids life but since moving in , they either make excuses to not see him or when they are here , they hide in there rooms and don't come down stairs.

It's really starting to get to my partner . I know it's to do with me why they are like this as I was recently away for work and they came to the house no problem and didn't hide in their rooms.

I've tried making myself scarce when they are here by sitting in the bedroom watching TV but that doesn't work , I physically need to go out the house for them to be themselves.

They are 10 and 17

OP posts:
Reversetail · 17/02/2025 19:45

Has your husband asked the kids why? Or do you know why? Surely can’t be out of the blue if you have known them for so long. Have they always avoided you? Opening up the communication if you haven’t yet.

festivemouse · 17/02/2025 19:46

Are you male / female? Are the DC male / female? Sometimes that can make a difference!

At 10 and 17 it's a huge adjustment to suddenly have another adults at their dads house and in their home, even if you've been together a while it's a huge change to be sharing a house with you. I hated my mums partner moving in, suddenly I felt like I couldn't be myself or be comfortable in my own home because there was a stranger (who I had no choice about) living in my home, using things, just taking up space and being there. It's a bit adjustment for them, especially with one almost an adult and one about to hit high school.

StormingNorman · 17/02/2025 19:47

It must be uncomfortable to have you in their house - if you’ve had a good relationship for 9 years, they should hopefully settle after a while.

Could you plan things to do as a family to coax them out of their rooms? Take-away, game night, movie night with popcorn and snacks, cook dinner together.

Original poster
Snowygal2012 · 17/02/2025 22:14

Reversetail · 17/02/2025 19:45

Has your husband asked the kids why? Or do you know why? Surely can’t be out of the blue if you have known them for so long. Have they always avoided you? Opening up the communication if you haven’t yet.

Edited

Yeah he has and they don't admit to anything . When we were living apart , before he moved in with me , our relationship with his DC were fine. We had to get some renovations done to my house for them to have bedrooms and kept them involved in every stage

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowygal2012 · 17/02/2025 22:18

festivemouse · 17/02/2025 19:46

Are you male / female? Are the DC male / female? Sometimes that can make a difference!

At 10 and 17 it's a huge adjustment to suddenly have another adults at their dads house and in their home, even if you've been together a while it's a huge change to be sharing a house with you. I hated my mums partner moving in, suddenly I felt like I couldn't be myself or be comfortable in my own home because there was a stranger (who I had no choice about) living in my home, using things, just taking up space and being there. It's a bit adjustment for them, especially with one almost an adult and one about to hit high school.

I'm female and the two kids are biy and girl.

It's my home that everyone moved into as I had a home with mortgage paid off and my partner had a rented house so it made more sense financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowygal2012 · 17/02/2025 22:19

StormingNorman · 17/02/2025 19:47

It must be uncomfortable to have you in their house - if you’ve had a good relationship for 9 years, they should hopefully settle after a while.

Could you plan things to do as a family to coax them out of their rooms? Take-away, game night, movie night with popcorn and snacks, cook dinner together.

They don't even want to entertain that. I've suggested bowling , game nights , movie night etc so I'm.literally at my wits end on what to suggest next

OP posts:
FakingItEasy · 17/02/2025 22:29

It might be because they've all moved into your house (as opposed to you moving into theirs, or moving to a neutral space). So it probably feels super awkward for them, like they're strangers and any space they have is technically yours, rather than their dad's.

I don't know what the solution is, apart from maybe talk to them about it, about how you could try and make communal spaces more "theirs" too

StormingNorman · 17/02/2025 22:51

Snowygal2012 · 17/02/2025 22:19

They don't even want to entertain that. I've suggested bowling , game nights , movie night etc so I'm.literally at my wits end on what to suggest next

Show quote history

I just saw that they moved into your house. They must feel quite unsettled and I think it will just take time until it feels like home. New house and a new member of the family is quite a big deal at their ages as they are both also on the cusp of educational (and friendship) transitions.

You sound lovely and I think time will be the big thing - and reassuring them it is their home, they can have friends round etc.

Do they have jobs around the house? That might make them feel like they have more of a stake in the place if they don’t do anything at their moment.

Endofyear · 17/02/2025 23:01

It's a big adjustment for them moving into your house. Remember, this probably wouldn't be their choice - it was yours and their dad's.

I'd play it down for now, give them time. Let them know their friends are welcome and keep offering a movie/game night every so often but also take yourself off out and about when they're there sometimes so that they can have time with their dad.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 19/02/2025 17:02

Hey OP, Sorry you're going through this. Sounds hard and you clearly have every positive intention.

Do you have good independent relationships with the stepchildren? Can you enjoy 1-1 time with each of them while the other has 1-1 time with Dad?

How long have you all been living together?

Is BioMum supportive of this move?

Could there be anything else going on which is making them feel uncomfortable?

Please don't feel you have to remove yourself from your home so they can have time with their Dad alone (unless of course you want to!). It's great for them to have time with Dad and that should definitely be encouraged but don't fall into the trap of feeling you have to remove yourself. They can also go out and do things as a trio, or do things when you're out anyway. But don't end up in a situation where you don't feel you can be in your home when you want to be.

At 10 and 17 they are old enough for you to have a conversation about it or do a little written exercise about what everyone wants the home to be like (sometimes this is less intense than a conversation!) I have some resources I can send if you're interested. Sometimes simple things like discussing what meals you'll have, what will be in the snack cupboard, who has first dibs on "the big TV" etc can help, as well as the bigger questions like "what's important to you about living in this new home?"

All the best xx

PrawnAgain · 20/02/2025 01:54

Op, this is not your problem to solve. And you certainly shouldn't be vacating the house you have solely paid for to accommodate them.

Your partner needs to figure out a way to make this work or move out if he can't.

I will say that I spent my teenage years in my bedroom and didn't want to sit with family. I think it's quite normal for some kids, although obviously it needs investigating if it's a new thing since moving in together.

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