Does anyone else's SP situation work really well?

[OtherCoraline]

I'm not the SP, DH is.

You'd never know he wasn't their dad until you heard the kids call him by his name. He treats them like they are his own, does the school runs, makes their dinner, plays with them, drives them to clubs, we clothe shop for them together etc. We do have boundaries ie I'm the only one who showers/baths them and help my DD get dressed but day-to-day, our lives work really well. After reading some threads on here, I feel very blessed that we have this family dynamic! I always thought that you should only get into a serious relationship/married if you all got on but then I've never been in the position of liking someone that didn't like my DC and I've never been a stepmother. Anyway, I just wondered if I'm in the minority or if other people's step-family situations also work really well?

Hi , my left dd1 and I when she was 3 months old . I got together with dp when she was 5 , he has raised her , everyone assumes he’s her Dad , her bio “ dad “ has g seen her since she was 5 , she is now 26.

Stepfathers are generally expected to do a lot less than stepmothers with children, due to societal roles. The bar for a good stepfather is a lot lower than a good stepmother.

Often stepparents form a closer bond if they live with the children for the majority of the time, so often as mothers are the primary carers, this means it’s normally stepfathers who get that opportunity.

Parents, not stepparents, tend to have a rosier view of how it’s all going.

Hope that helps…

The happy setups are usually where the stepparent doesn't have children of their own and comes into the child's life relatively young. The other type are nearly always miserable for the children though can work for the adults.

@ChonkyRabbit yes I guess that's our situation so makes sense.

@Galinda1 I think that you're generally right, but DH is very active and involved in their lives day-to-day; we raise them together, although I do have the final say. Has been in their life since 2&4 so they don't remember a time pre him there so that makes sense.

@ChonkyRabbit , my dp didn’t have children which helped .

So you have the magic formula which means it’s working well for you. Partner with no children, met the children when young, I’m guessing you have majority, if not all, custody and your children aren’t yet teens?

I wonder how your children’s father feels about the set up, or his partner, or how your children will feel in their teens especially if you have more children with your partner. Good for you that it’s working at the moment though.

@Galinda1 they go EOW. Don't really care what EX has to say given that he sponges off his mum so doesn't work and gives me no money ever (CM even said he doesn't need to due to no income apart from benefits). However, if they want to see him more when they're teens then I won't stop them from doing that or cause an issue. And he was horrible to me. So that's not something I give headspace to, he's happy for DH to provide for them financially as he sees no need to do it himself.

Out of interest - does he have any biological kids. I often see that causes issues, as he would likely be the non-resident parent there and bringing other children into the house can bring out the issues. If his focus is only on you and your children, I can see it could simplify what can be very complicated.

My DCs’ step mum is the most wonderful
person, and a fantastic plus in their lives. She has DCs of her own, who are now young adults and lovely people in their own right. I always appreciate her advice with parenting matters (she works with teens and has far more insight into what makes them tick that I ever will).

I think it helps that xDH is fundamentally a decent man (we were wrong together, but he’s not a bad person and is a really good dad) and that I’ve always felt that the more people that love my DCs the better. In fact, when my youngest told me that he feels like he has two mums not one, I texted step mum to tell her because it felt like such a special moment.

We’re all incredibly lucky to know her.

Stepdads have a far easier role that stepmothers especially if there is no bio dad on the scene. We have a blended situation were we are both stepparents to each other’s children. He is a fantastic step father to my dd . He wouldn’t say the same about me but the situation with his children is far more complicated. By and large we all muddle along fine and I’d say on the whole the children have definitely benefited from us blending. I don’t think that’s true of a large percentage of blended families

I have a happy step family situation but like the others have said it was probably helped by the fact I don't have any bios and wont be having any with DH. The kids were 2,13 and 14 when I got with DH. My DSD and I are very close and people always assume that I'm her mum because I treat her like she's my own.

I've never really played a parenting role with the boys as I felt it was inappropriate at their ages to come storming in telling them what to do. However, DH has always discussed rules, routines, discipline etc with me but he's always been the one to speak to them about things. They're 17 and 18 now and we have a good relationship. I've helped them write CVs, look for jobs, taught them how to cook. They come to me for advice and we can also just hang it and chat shit. DH has done a great job in raising the boys so we don't seem to get a lot of the issues other families have with teens.

I think that's another important factor in happy step families, having a partner who has your back, supports you, actually parents properly, doesn't have the entire world revolves around the kids and can also make you a priority.

I had a very happy step parenting set up for many years. I'm now divorced from ex husband (step daughters dad) but I retain partial custody of her and she still lives with part of the time. She is my child just as much as my two biological boys are.

I was lucky to have her in my life from around age 2 so she didn't know any different.

I'm a long-time stepmother (25 years now) and also had a very easy time of it (mostly!) compared to others.

I don't think there's a secret to this. Every family is different. We see the more troubled relationships on here, and that's natural as people are coming for support. We don't see so many happier families as they are just getting on with being happy.

Dh is step parent to my dds. He came into their lives even they were 4+6 but took it slow so he didn't move in for a couple years. And there was a natural transition . Dh gradually took on more and unfortunately their dad took on less. They both see dh as their dad in that for 15 years he has loved and supported them like his own children and treated them no differently to his own son.

I do agree though I think stepdads have an easier experience than step mothers.

I hope it can work well! We are in the process of buying our first house together and moving in. We both have bio kids, the youngest five of which will be living with us. (I’m a widow, partner’s kids have supervised visits with their mother but he’s been the primary carer for years.)

I do also think it depends on ages and sexs. My DH is an amazing step dad does all the things you say too. But my dd who was 13 when she met him is still a bit meh about him. He helps her with collage applications ect but they haven't had time to bond. She's distrustful of males anyways due to her bio dad. My younger ones were 2 and 4 and they sometimes when speaking to others call him dad but when calling him is always by his name.
Think it's harder for teenage girls to accept a step parent.
The kids get supervised visits with bio dad.

both myself and my DH are Step Parents. my DH has an incrediable relationship with my children. He treats them well and with respect, and they likewise reciprocate. My step children are a living nightmare! they treat me like something on their shoe, in the 14 years i have known them i have never once received a please, thank you, a birthday gift, card.. nothing!

i do envy those who have made it work.. i've now given up trying

My husband has been their dad since they were 7 and 5.
We also have a child together. The word 'step' has never ever been used in our life or home. Their sister is only that.
Their bio father had nothing to do with them prior to my meeting my 2nd husband and then he died so they have never known any other dad.

We were lucky to meet him.

Throwing five children with significant trauma together in one house. What could go wrong?

Yup. My DH pretty much raised my eldest 2 from childhood as their dad was a useless twat who barely saw them twice a month and had them overnight 2-3 times per year. It was DH doing the school runs and the puke mop-ups and the homework and hobby drives…he didn’t change his hands on he was with them when our two kids came along. He loves his grandkids from dd1 and will be the one to walk her down the aisle should she marry… we are very lucky.

We’ll never know how it would be compared to living apart. As it stands our relationship with each other’s kids is positive.