How much do you contribute to SC when they’re over 18?

[Galinda1]

DH has a daughter who is 16 and in year 12. She mostly lives with her mum, seeing us about once a month and joins us on holidays three times a year. We’d love to see her more, and used to, but we understand her social life near her mum’s is more exciting!

She’s bright but has never been particularly studious and although she’s scraped into sixth form, isn’t enjoying her A-Levels and is increasingly talking of dropping out. She’s had a few shifts waitressing at the local pub and some babysitting and seems content to do more of that. Obviously DH and I want her to focus on her studies, and have been trying to make her think long-term, but this has been an ongoing battle for about a decade and frankly, it doesn’t feel like one we’re going to win. Her mum also does part-time shift work and has younger children.

DH and I are aware we need to continue sending maintenance money (it’s £550 and we also buy her a lot of clothes and pay her phone bill and travel, probably £8-900 total) until the summer after she’s 18 (or 21 if she’s in education but that’s highly unlikely). But after that?

DH and I both moved out for uni and have been self-sufficient since then but I’m aware more and more people are staying at home and it’s no longer the norm to be self-sufficient.

Would you continue paying to SD or her mum post-18 in these circumstances?

Interesting points,I do think 18 is young and that they still need support
But I am probably a soft touch
I was very skint at that age and don’t want that for mine

@Thatsenoughadulting shows how if the OP's DH had taken on 50% of the parenting and ensured 100% school attendance on his time, homework was done and a work ethic installed throughout teen years, then kids who lose their way a bit can be put back on track.

But it sounds like your DH took the easy way out and saw his DC once a month and on holidays, leaving all the school/homework battles to mum and then when the DC doesn't live up to your standards you can blame her mother and stop child maintenance.

The time for DH to get involved was every single day of his child's life, not see her once a month, let her get to 18 and go "well you've not turned out how I'd hoped so I'm cutting off your financial support."

He could have gone to court to get 50/50. Taken her to tuition and if she'd refused to go, taken her phone, pocket money, grounded her or whatever it took to focus on her education and improve her grades.

He lost his child's respect a long time ago because he stepped back. Blaming the mum for the child's lack of ambition when he only sees his child 12 weekends a year is bullshit.

Maintenance stops as soon as child benefit does. And CB will stop when she leaves school so if she drops out.

I have DD15 24/7 & DSS 13&11 50/50. I would financially support all our children while they are studying/starting their life. I wouldn't support them to sit about. I definitely wouldn't support via ex-partner!

Thankfully our kids are keen to get careers but I do get frustrated at the two houses with different rules. DSS' mum says she will let them live for free in her house so no requirement to pay keep ever. Personally disagree with that & also doubt it will happen when she loses all her benefits! It's hard when you can't make changes/have consistent consequences with there being another house

I am probably too soft too but it feels really harsh to stop financial support at 16. I thought it was the summer after they were 18, at earliest.

I thought the same about the child benefit too so I guess that means her mum’s household would be down about £630? I don’t know the ins and outs of her budget but I’d be surprised if she could just absorb that

She knew her child was getting older so she should have planned for that. Anyone else with kids is in the same position once CB stops.

I think you need to carry on supporting her until she is 18 whatever happens.
After that, it depends. If she is literally sitting at home doing nothing, you could provide her food if she's living at your place or contribute to her food and share of utilities if she's at her mum's while she decides what to do next, but nothing else - no phone or clothes or treats, so that she has an inventive to earn some money of her own.
But hopefully that won't be the case for very long, and she will find her direction.

Had this exact discussion with my DH last year when DSD turned 18 and had dropped out of education for over a year. We decided to tell her that if she couldn't be arsed to work then she would have to do what any other adult did and subject herself to claiming benefits. Of course it wouldn't have been that cut and dried but we agreed with her Mum to say it was.

She quickly got an apprenticeship and now pays her Mum the same as maintenance money and we provide all the extras. She needed a kick up the arse.

The thing is if she has a nice paid-for lifestyle whilst working a few shifts a week for pocket money, she’s going to be in an even worse position at 18 with fewer options available to her

If she leaves school at 16 I would still pay the mum until she was 18 as she should still be in education and the mum will still be funding her really. I wouldn't pay her mum the summer after she turns 18 unless she is in full time education.
If I was her parent and could afford it I would pay for all driving lessons so at least she had that under her belt and could get to future job interviews etc if needed. I wouldn't also offer to pay for any courses even if they weren't what you would choose eg nail tech courses or anything she interested in.

It's tricky isn't it, but I'm not sure what you can do except offer her what you feel comfortable with considering her age and abilities. I think I'd give her some time covering her food and board and eventually say she needs to move out and either work or see if she can claim benefits. It's worrying for you, but she's very young and has much potential for change.

Minimum wage is going up by £1.15 for under 18s in April, so even less incentive to stay on at school.

Where does she stand with the requirement to be in education, employment and training till 18? Is it enforced?

So it’s all hit the fan tonight. DH texted SD to invite her to lunch at the weekend, she said she can’t as she works three shifts a week now, and it’s come out that she hasn’t been to sixth form since before Christmas and won’t be going back.

He’s called her and told her that he’s going to stop paying maintenance (we will still pay her phone bill, and for travel / driving lessons when she’s 17, and she’s welcome to live here if she’s back in school or college or working full time). Apparently she was unfazed and is going to be working twenty hours a week and loves her new job.

Ten minutes later her mum started messaging DH with a load of insults, calling him a deadbeat dad. She’s also saying that she’s the only person who can report that SD’s quit college to the child benefit office, and that he has to pay maintenance until she does.

As far as I can see this is actually correct? Does anyone know?

If she's left school her mother needs to inform the child benefit office because as of the 1st March she isn't entitled to claim and it's fraud if she does.

He has parental responsibility so he could call and let them know she has left school, they may not accept it as they might want proof she's left. They might contact her mother though and ask for proof she's still at school if she denies it.

Does he have a court order on the CMS with an end date? If not she can't stop him calling them and telling them his child has left school/college as that is usually when it stops being mandated once the child is 16.

So yes it's her claim so she is the only one who can end it but you can report her for benefit fraud. She shouldn't be claiming CB/UC if DSD has left school. He will have to keep paying until CB stops unfortunately but he can give the money to DSD instead of ex if he wants. You could technically give her the money & she uses it to pay mob & driving lessons etc

My view would be

• you always have a home here but

Full time Work or uni or a trade (hairdressing or the like ) or College. No money, until you pick one of these. Not a chance would I allow My kids to "drop out"'without a plan. Not everyone is suited for uni. But a plan needs to be in place. I wouldn't pay a penny of maintenance the minute she stops school.

Well your DH certainly shouldn’t be enabling them to commit benefit fraud, and since he has parental rights too I’m not sure why he can’t report that she has dropped out of college …

But anyway, she’s 16, working 20 hours a week, and I would assume on pretty low wages. So not financially self-sufficient even if she isn’t in education anymore.

If she lived with you, then you would be subsidising her. On that basis I think you should continue paying maintenance to the mother. But not as much as before, because girl can now contribute towards board from her wages. (And I would definitely pay to the mother, not directly to the girl.)

She does need to be given some kind of ultimatum about going back to college, doing an apprenticeship, getting a full-time job, whatever. But realistically she can’t do that overnight, so you need a solution in the interim.

If there is no health reason why SD can't work full time, and if full time work is available then I wouldn't be paying any maintenance, regardless of whether the mum has deregistered for child benefit. If the mum won't accept this then just say you will tell the benefit office that SD has left school. Also, doesn't she legally have to be in an apprenticeship or a job with training until she is 18?

I would however save the maintenance money for, as you say, driving lessons and then towards a car/rental deposit/other big life stuff.

I think it's not good for youngsters to think they can choose low paid and part time work without having to face the lifestyle consequences of this choice. After a few months of full time work she may choose to go back to education as reality hits, but if she is artificially financially cushioned then probably that's way less likely.

DH has called the sixth form and they’ve confirmed she’s being unenrolled after half term. She hasn’t been in this year and her attendance was poor last term too.

He’s called CMS and they will only accept proof from the child benefit people, who will only accept a change in circumstances from the person claiming it so SD’s mum. Who has no intention of doing so.

SD won’t answer DH’s calls and he’s still getting abuse from her mum. It feels like we’re going to lose SD over this, at least for a while, but neither outcome is good. Being a stepparent is really horrible sometimes.

Ds is 19 and works full-time on a decent salary. He pays me £300 monthly for food and bills. I no longer subsidise him. His dad stopped contributing as soon as he was 18 but in fairness ds had his Child Trust Fund which was 4k from me.

I have always instilled a strong work ethic in my children. I firmly believe that meaningful activity is vital for mental health.

My 23 year old strongly disagrees and has absolutely zero ambition. I’m not sure if he thinks exiting my birth canal entitles him to benefit from my labour forever but at some point he will find out.

Its very easy to talk about how you would parent and what the outcome would be when your children are young but they make their own decisions as they grow up (or at least grow older, growing up appears optional)

Report SDs mother for benefit fraud. Lovely example she is setting for her daughter while verbally abusing her father.

I’m not saying SD would have turned out perfect if she lived with us full-time, but that we would have expected her to be in full-time education and training until 18 (as does the law). If she didn’t have any other options, she would have to be doing that.

What does your son do now? Do you subsidise him not to work or study?

It looks like that’s the only way to formalise stopping paying the maintenance but we aren’t keen to do it as it’s a nuclear option and would probably have serious consequences for SD’s mum. I’d be surprised if she’s declaring her boyfriend and I’m pretty sure she works cash in hand.

That's what I'd do.