On the verge of leaving

[UniqueDeer]

Partner and I have been together 5 years. Shortly after we got together his 2 children came to live with us permanently.
Step son has always been difficult. We have clashed many times. Partner does not support me ever.
He is so over protective of his son.
Now, step son is 20 years old, still living with us and not working.
I am constantly clearing up after him, repeating myself daily.
I have asked partner to help me with this since day one.
He has just told me that it is me with the issue and his son doesn't need to change.
I have spoken to my friends about this numerous times and they are in agreement with me but would like some neutral help.
I am sat here seriously considering leaving (this is not the first or tenth time)

You need to remember how you survived on your own with your son for 10 years. It was only 2 years ago, how have your finances changed so drastically in the last 2 years that you are now financially unable to leave?

Or has he just conditioned you to think you can't survive without him?

I've been with him 5 years.
Haven't had to work as he earns good money so work part time. All my savings and earnings have gone on family, shopping etc etc.
We don't share money, I'm not allowed to ask where he spends it. He will drop some into the joint account if I'm desperate.
I've let myself get into this situation financially by trusting him. Very stupid I know x

He is now home (found him in the lounge) we haven't spoken and I've just come back to bed.

Not stupid at all op, everything was good and he treated you well so you trusted him and now he has betrayed that trust.

I would suggest you start looking for full time work. Does your son work? Can you combine finances with your son and get a place together to rent for the short term

I think you just need to get out asap, then can look at a long term plan after

You need a full time job ASAP. His house his mortgage not yours. Start saving every penny you can. Stop shopping for him or his children or doing anything for them. Speak to women's aid, you are in a financially controlling relationship if all your money is spent including on his children.

If he kicks you out at least you will get accomodation. It's not ideal but it might be your only choice.

Can your son find a room in a house share?

It's financial abuse. He's put you in a position where you rely on him financially. This is what abusive men do so that their partner can't leave them. You've not been stupid, you've been trusting in someone you thought loved you.

Even in a situation where one partner earns more, in a true partnership both should have visibility on how the money is spent and have access to that money. It's never a good idea to do this outside of marriage because you aren't protected when the relationship ends. I assume you went part time to be available for free childcare for him so he's benefitted from you working part time? Absolutely ridiculous that you've had to use your savings to get by when he earns enough to keep you both.

Reach out to women's aid. They will be able to help you with the next steps. Also get your name on the council/social housing list. Tell them you're stuck in an abusive relationship and unable to get out due to finances.

Time to get a full-time job and move out then. If your son is working he can find somewhere for you both initially.

You need to go back to work ft.
Buy food for you and ds only. Spend £0 on anything for him and his kids. Save save the rest.

How much rent does your 20yo pay? Is he working or at uni?

Stop engaging and talking to his son. Leave him be. If he makes a mess, leave it. Let his dad notice and do something about it.

Consider increasing your working hours and start putting money aside, because it's no fun when you're stuck financially and dependent on another human being.